Is it me or is it you?

OK last night wasn't as good a sleep as the night before because I had a nightmare about a girl I grew up with that used steal my boyfriends. As I was lying there trying to fall back to sleep I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday about going back to Boston so I could straighten out what was in my head. Let me preface this with saying that up until recently I would have described myself as someone who came from abuse and remained attracted to it especially when it came to men.  I wrote a whole show about trying to come to terms with my past so it didnt' have to become my future. Well, recently I have had the pleasure of going on a little soul searching mission. It started a few months ago when I was in my friends back yard in Boston. There was a guy that I grew up with there who kept telling me that we made out when we were teenagers. I don' t remember, but he kept saying we made out once and you told me that if I didn't want to be your boyfriend than you weren't going to make out with me anymore.   I said, "good at least I had self esteem back then" Then, a few months later I was at a party in Brooklyn and I saw another guy I grew up with. We have mutual friends here in New York and they had been telling me for years that I wouldn't go out with this guy. Again, I didn't remember. So, when I saw him, the first thing he said to me was "Sue remember when I asked you to go to that wedding with me and you said no?" I said, no why did I say no?"  He said, " because I asked you the night before and you said it wasn't enough notice."  Again, I felt wow, I had good self esteem.   Then, recently, I was in contact with an old boyfriend. I went out with him 22 years ago.  I quit drinking 20 years ago and I always joke that most people quit drinking when they loose their family or they go to jail, but I quit drinking because I got put on probation at McDonald's. I was always hung over so I kept getting my head caught in the drive through window. But, the truth is, I quit drinking because I wanted my life to get better. And for 2o years I told the story of being up at Salem State lying on the couch in my McDonald's uniform. (I had to work there because my family didn't help me financially) And, the girl who used to steal my boyfriends ran by. The boyfriend said,"hey so and so you look great have you been working out?"  and I said "what about me?" and he responded "you look like you have been eating a big mac for the past two months."  Those words affected me for twenty years. First of all, because my self esteem was so low that I had to ask, and secondly, because I had a boyfriend who would say something like that to me. Anyway, about a month later I dumped him, we were making out and he tried to have sex with me and I dumped him the next day.  I quit drinking two years later. I saw him a few times after that and felt like he hated me. Because of who I am as a person no matter how someone treats me if I don't respond in a way that matches up with my integrity I need to fix it. So, I felt bad about dumping him so harshly. A couple of years ago he emailed me and I responded and he never emailed back. I was going to apologize. I had it in my head that he was this nice guy who I had been so mean to because I couldn't tolerate niceness. Well, recently his brother got in contact with me and said that they were all going to come to my show in Boston. I remember thinking "really I thought he hated me?" But, I had so much else going on that I didn't really think about it.  So flash forward to the night of my show, before the show, I run by Starbucks and there is a knock on the window. Now I HATE seeing people before my show. Well it's the old BF and his brother and his friends. I run in, say hi, but don't let myself feel to much accept I did think "he doesn't look that good."  I leave and do my show. After the show I come out and they are waiting for me. I say hi tell him that there is a line in the show about him and that I am sorry but he did say the McDonald's comment to me. (remember I am completely vulnerable because I just ripped my guts out in front of every one I grew up with.)  He turned to his brother and said "would I ever say anything like that?" and I melted.  That one move made me forget my gut and go with he is a nice guy that I hurt. Well we started emailing back and forth and I took that as an opportunity to apologize. I remember reading it to my friend on the phone. She was like "Sue you have to be straight forward, do not hide behind jokes." and i did, i sent it and I cried for an hour afterward. He responded with "don't beat yourself up that was a long time ago."  A few emails later he said, "about that McDonald's comment, I'm not saying I said it but if I did I was being sarcastic. I always say the opposite of what I'm thinking. You are as thin now as you were back then."  He also said he thought I dumped him because he attacked me.(when i didn't have sex with him) which of course made me feel bad. OK, so a few weeks later we hang out and have a lot of fun. I was surprised that it was as nice as it was. Anyway, he was driving me to the train and said something harsh that made me go OUCH. But, of course I was like "sue does it need to be said? does it need to be said  now? Does it need to be said by me?" I decided to wait and if it was still bothering me I would bring it up when we were in a more comfortable situation. Because that's how I roll. The next day it was still bothering so I told him and his response was "don't you think you're being too sensitive?"  I said "no," and please don't say that to me. ( my family used to say that to me, they called me Sarah Bernhardt, but it's the loveyness that i have inside that they are all attracted to) ' I said it's weird, we had a really nice time and when I was leaving you said that. He apologized and we moved on.  We continued contact and he asked ALOT of questions like. when I get married do I want a big wedding or a small one?  I remember thinking this is weird, but I answered. He told me that people make fun of him for asking so many questions.  the nest time i saw him he looked as if 10 years had been taken off his life. He looked happy. Anyway, a week later we had another really, really, nice time and the next night he started with the questions. So I told him I was going to get him a radio show because he would be a good interviewer and he responded with "Oh You're being a real fresh pric* tonight" It was said with so much aggression, I had that feeling of OUCH again.  I said, don't talk to me like that. He said I'm sorry I get insecure about the questions and right then I thought, "well if everyone says it to you there must be something to it." Then he said "you were really selfish last night!" (Mind you the "last night" he was talking about was one of the nicest conversions I had ever had in my life.) I thought he's doing it again, being mean after something nice.  So he says he'll figure out what he's doing and we hang up. He then proceeds to not call for a week, punishing me, and then when he finally calls, he tells me he doesn't want to get married or have kids and that I am raw nerve.   The level of aggression was so much I can't even believe I held my composure. I was like Married?? I saw you twice??  I said no.... I asked you not to call me a fresh pric* and you punished me for a week and now your dumping on me that's what is going on here.  Thanks a lot a I really appreciate and hung up. I didn't sleep for two nights. I couldn't wrap my  brain around how someone could be so mean to a person that was nice to him.  Then it hit me...............OMG that 's the feeling I walked around with for 20 years! I thought I had been mean to someone who had been nice to me because I hated myself so much that I couldn't tolerate the goodness. And he did nothing to assuage that feeling. . I realized that it wasn't me, it was him and that he did say that McDonald's comment. Then, I remmebered that he told me that he says the opposite of what he feels, and that he is a raw nerve and that he's sensitive and that he wanted to get married and he is mean to people that are nice to him. And that I dumped him 20 years ago because he was mean to me, and could not be honest about his feelings for me. And that I did dump him because he attacked me, but it was verbally not physically. I mean really, he told me I looked like I had been eating a big mac every day for two months? Who would feel sexy after that? It all started to makes sense, I kept asking him " if I was so mean to you and you hated me, why did you come to my show?"   So, if he called me a fresh pric* and he says the opposite of what he feels and he projects everything that he  is feeling, that who is the fresh pric*? You see when you are a kid you take on the abuse you think it's you. Because how could you live with the fact that the people that are in charge of you are so mean. You wouldn't survive. But as an adult I get to see the truth. No one is in charge of me but me. The wound has healed so it can't get to me. I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.  In yoga they say you need to see the world though the eyes of a child and the body of and adult.  How cool is that? I get to see clearly...... I  am not any one's dumping ground anymore.I am not what people do to me, I am lovey and sensitive and I did not stop being that because of someone else's fear. . FREEDOM.... I know that as adult people aren't perfect, and alot of times they're actions aren't even conscious and that forgiveness is essential; but forgiveness doesn't mean you let people walk all over you. It's a sign of respect to let someone feel their own feelings, and sexy and attractive if you ask me. Remember, don't become your boyfriend's mommy cause then he has to find a girlfriend. You got to stand up to that darkness with light. Instead of stooping down to fear, make people step up to hope.   I wrote a show Called Minus 32 Million Words, because I needed to learn how to use my words so that I was not aggressively withholding my feelings and acting like a child; expecting others to take care of me.  They say communication is essential when it comes to relationships, and that isolation is the number one killer in the country. Imagine walking around life being buried by your own inability to express yourself?  Everybody needs people in their lives, that's why boundaries are so cool, because they are flexible. You can let people in and out of your life, but, sometimes you can't just tell someone not to treat you poorly, you have to show them.  Your actions are so loud I can't hear what you're saying.