New Yawk Citeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I"m back in the city... I had the most awesome time on the cape and the vineyard.

Tonight in yoga the instructor said that he wanted us to go full on into the pose and then if we didn't like it, we could stop but he wanted us  to  make an educated decision; as opposed to just doing it half hearted.

Which is how I'm choosing to live my life lately.

I am beside myself with gratitude for all the people who were so gracious to me up there and tomorrow morning, I will begin to break it all down. But, for now, I want to give a shout out to taking  jump and letting the net catch you.

Carpe Diem

Well I can't figure out how to get onto the full blog so I have to do it on this.seize the day baby!! I am having such a beautiful weekend. I needed it. A few months ago I reconnected with woman that made a HUGE difference in who I have becomeas a person. Many years ago I went through a terrible break up and I was so angry that I wanted to tell everyone and she told told me not to. She said that I needed to act like a woman of dignity and honor. It was the first time anyone had taught me that it I would be doing my self an injustice if I acted in a way that be littled myself. A few weeks ago she invited me to come see her on the cape. I have spent the last two days on Cape Cod with her and her Awesome husband. We watched the sunset and had scallops in Provindence Town last night. Today we went to the pool and then golfed. I hadn't golfed in 15 years and it all came back to me. I hit it straight and long. I asked her if she was surpirsed and she said "no I saw you stand on your head this morning!" Tommorw off to the vinyard for two days why? Because I was invited and I am all about showing up and living out loud today!

i cant blog for some reason

I am on the cape and for some reason my blog is busted. I'm trying this quick press thing. Happy 4th if I don't get it back up!! But keep checking back cause I'm not giving up!!

A sweaty face and a dumb ass

So, yesterday I was waiting for the train at 86th street. I walked down to the platform and this older( fancy) woman was coughing and sneezing and not covering her mouth. I sensed that she had bad energy and moved to a different car door when the train came. Wouldn't you know,  once we were on the train,she still found her way right beside me. And, I was right, she had no spacial awareness and was banging into everyone; no one said a word to her.

At the next stop, this older black guy comes barging on the train with a sweaty face.  Before this, I had noticed a guy sitting, he has a lot of tattoos on his arms and he looked really mean; so mean, that I checked his eye for a teardrop. Which I've been told means the amt of murders committed while incarcerated.

Well sweaty guy walks past him and spit sprays onto his arm. I brace myself, thinking that sweaty face is about to catch a beaten.

Well, I was wrong tattoo guy just wiped it from his arm.  Then, of course, fancy lady sighs so loudly, and moves away from sweaty face. She wanted the whole train to see her disgust.

Then another guy asked him if he wanted his seat. And another woman pulled out a paper towel, a full square of a paper towel; it wasn't even wrinkled. She handed it to sweaty face, all the while averting her eyes.

He asked, "what is this for?" and she motioned to wipe his face. He didn't. I stood there, still thinking, what am I feeling?  This guy is gross, but he's still a human being and is he really doing anything to offend me or hurt me? The answer was no. He was just causing a lot of us to have tons of feelings. Everyone, including sweaty face got off at 42nd street except for me and the tattoo guy. He looked up and asked if I wanted his seat.

So, I was right about the old lady, but wrong about the tattoo guy. At least in that moment. This is what I find to be the biggest struggle. To trust my gut while being open to the possibility that I might be wrong.

Which brings me to my trip home. I am waiting at 14th street and the platform is packed. The proper train etiquette is to wait to the side while people exit the train and then enter. Lot's of people don't like this, (I'm assuming some it it caused by all the feelings provoked) especially the guy standing behind me. He was trying to push me with his body and I stood my ground.

Guess what he did to deal with his feelings of being upset? He pinched my ass. As soon as I felt it, I elbowed him. We walked on the train and he said "lady what's wrong with you?" I said "someone just grabbed my ass."  He had two bags in his hands and replied, ""how could I do that, I have my hands full, and I have a mother and a sister." As he was speaking, he wouldn't look me in the eye, at which point, I knew he was lying.

As I was leaving the train, I told him to keep his hands to himself.  I went to guy in the booth and told him what happened. He asked what the guy looked liked. I responded, "a black guy with a bright orange shirt."

At which point the guy in the booth laughed. I thought he was laughing at me. I held my composure and said "Sir it's not funny when a woman gets groped. He replied "Oh I know, I'm laughing at the fact he is wearing a bright orange shirt. The cops will have no problem finding him." Then it hit me, he had a bunch of perfume in those bags, probably stolen, so when the cops caught him; he'd be in double trouble. HA HA dumb ass.

So the moral of the day is,  I need to trust my gut and not act on impulse. I need to push through the feelings to see what's really going on.

Ignorance is contempt prior to investigation.

Fate part 3

So we shoot our scenes and as I'm leaving Laurence gives me  a huge hug and says "Sue don't ever quit, your so talented and authentic they just don't get you yet." I remember walking away feeling great and as if my stomach had dropped out at the same time. All my life I have always had this secret fantasy that someone some day was going to come along and take complete and total care of me. So, every time a situation arises that magnifies the fact that I am the only one who can do it,  I get that feeling.

That was the week that I started to write my show Minus 32 Million Words.  I worked on that show for ten years knowing full well that if I wanted people to see me I was going to have to show myself.

I remember being a teenager and hearing God talk to me, asking me to change and I would say out loud, I'm not doing it God, I know what you want me to do and I'm not strong enough and then I proceeded to drink my face off to squelch what I know was the truth.

Needless to say my whole life has been a bunch of re occuring signs with the same theme. So here it is ten years later and I see that Laurence is staring on Broadway. I make the decision that I want to go and thank him.

My friend and I buy tickets and when we get to the theatre I am so nervous I almost want to run away. The fear and doubt was making me want to go to sleep. I got up the guts to go to the stage manager and ask if I can see Laurence after the show. She is abrasive and mean and yells, "you'll have to go to the stage door after and ask."

Now my shame and fear is telling me "Sue, don't do it, he won't remember you anyway." I watch the show and revel in how amazing he is and talk myself into going to the stage door after.

After the show, I walk to the stage door and there are two big mafioso looking guys with sunglasses on. I ask if I can see Laurence. The ask who I am and tell me to wait. Again, I have to keep myself from running.

He comes back and motions for me to come in. We have to wait in the hallway because he has someone else in the room.

The people leave and he motions for me to come in. Right away, he hugs me and I say " if no one has ever told you that you made a difference in their life, you made a difference in mine."

I look up and he has a tear in his eye. We sit and chat for a while he gives me his cell phone number and asks me if I think he was funny. Imagine Laurence Fishburne asking me? He said he usually plays the darker rolls so it was nice to be able to be funny. And immediately I thought of course he's human he just wants to be seen like the rest of us.

I leave and sleep for 3 days. My friend that was with me said that it was the most authentic moment she had ever seen. And i thought how much more energy it took for me to be generous and direct and reveal myself only because of my fear leading up to it. Otherwise it was invigorating.  And now that i had done it once the next time would be easier.

So i got the news about the role in the Fighter and my first thought was to call him. I waited a til this sat. I left him a message saying the reason i did so well was becuase of that day when i walked in the room and he was sitting in the window sill.

Later that day my friend calls and asks if I want to go to my friend Sean's restaurant in Brooklyn.

We walk in and Dominic Chianese is there. He was in Laurence's movie with me, all of a sudden his phone rings it's Laurence, Dominic tells him that I am there and he says "put her on the phone right now." He is so happy for me  and tells me to tell Christian Bale that he is a huge fan.

How fucking generous. When I saw him on that stage I saw his greatness and I wanted to be like that. He was great because he was being generous with the audience, he was giving himself to them.  That greatness is humility and generosity. Couple that with putting yourself out there and fate can be the only result.

Fate Part 2

So........ I finish the audition and Laurence says "you got the part!"  I literally turn on my heels and run. The Irish Catholic in me said, get out quick before they take it away. But on my way out Imake the assistant pinch me, just to make sure I'm not dreaming. Now, I forgot to mention that I had another appointment scheduled after this one and now I was supposed to be uptown in like 15 minutes.

Okay, so I go downstairs, call my agent and tell him I got the part. He says "but there are no female parts." I respond, "I know, they made me the cop." I hang up and run to get a cab.

Now I'm standing in the street wrestling with two feelings, one being OMFG I'm a movie star and the other one being, get outta here quick before they take it away.

All of a sudden, I hear "SUE!" it's a mans voice and I'm afraid to turn, my first thought was, here it is, they're coming to tell me that they made a mistake.

I turn around and squint through my conjunctivitis and see that it's Laurence and his friend. He  yells "where are you going?" Now I'm thinking OMG he wants to give me a ride, but I have to go uptown and he's a downtown guy, I'm supposed to be at 57th street in like 10 minutes now. But I want the ride so I blurt out "34th street!" He says, "c'mon I'll give you a ride."

Now I'm in the back seat of Laurence Fishburnes car FREAKING OUT. I'm sticking my head against the glass so everybody sees me. And I can't just sit there and be cool, I have to open my mouth again.

He has music playing, it's Brandford Marsalis. I stick my head between the two seats and say "this music is sad but hopeful" I'm laughing at myself as I write this. He turns around, with his sunglasses on and says, "two things happened to day that made me think that my movie is going to be a succes,  this music and you."

At this point I have literally left my body. We pull up to 34th street and I realize that i have to get out. Now, I have about 4 minutes to get to  57th street. I run around the corner, jump in a cab and next thing I know the cab is right beside Laurence's car. I had to lie down in the back seat so he didn't see me; I didn' t want him to think I was Crazy.

The first day on the set, I tell him the story. I say, "I thought you were a downtown guy so I said 34th street but I really had to go to 57th street, and my cab pulled up beside your car so I lied down so you wouldn't think I was crazy." He laughed so hard. He said , "Sue I already thought you were crazy, and I was staying in a hotel on 59th street......

to be continued......................

Fate

I met Laurence Fishburne back in 1998. My sitcom had just gotten canceled and I was kinda stressed. I had conjunctivitis, let's just say that I looked like the cat lady here in NYC.

So, I get a call to meet this casting director. "A general" its called. Usually that means you go and meet the casting person so they can keep you in mind for future rolls. Normally this is done in a fancy office.

I tell a few people that I have to meet this person and they are like "sue she's big time omg, sometimes she makes you wait" but I was so depressed about my show, that  it didn't even really register, plus I wasn't doing anything else.

So, I go downtown and walk up to the building with address that I was given. It's a crickity old building and in my stomach I feel that something is wrong.

I get on the elevator and get off on the designated floor. I walk up to the door and there is a sign that says "Riff Raff Productions." Again, I feel like I"m in the wrong place, but I proceed anyway. Cat eyes and all.

I walk into the waiting area and every single person is black. There is a pause and they all look up at me. Being  the doofus that I am, I blurt out "oh I'm in the wrong place" and turn and run.

I get half way down the hall and realize that I was in the right place and now I have to walk back in, looking like a judgemental racist.

So, I decided the move was, to not say anything  else controversial, that I will just  try to blend in. They are all talking about the film, I have no idea what they are talking about, but don't want to ruffle anymore feathers, so I just go along "oh yeah the film, blah blah"

All of a sudden, this white guy, Billy, comes walking out and says "hi Sue I knew you were coming in." This guy Billy is one of my ex's best friends, and ex that I dumped, so again, I don't want to get into anything deep for fear that he might bring up the break up.

He says, "I'm the second AD on the film" and again I say, "oh the film."  He brings me into his office shows me around, (you would think I would ask one person what the film is, but no)

I go back to the waiting area and another woman comes out and says, Sue we need to take a Polaroid of you. Ok at this point, any normal human being would ask a question, but not me, I just walk up with my cat eyes and let her take my picture.

She exits, and I sit again. Finally she comes out and says Bonnie will see you now, she's in there with Larry but she wants to see you."

I automatically think "Oh Larry must be the head of the agency." I walk into this tiny room and there is Laurence Fishburne sitting on the window sill and the casting director is standing behind the desk.

I immediately think, sue pull it together. I sit down and the casting director is like "this is Sue, she is very funny, and very talented." And again the doofus that I am, with my conjunctivitis, I get cocky, I start telling him how I tried to do some important and socially relevant with my sit com.

We are staring into each others eyes now and the casting director says, Laurence, let's put sue in your movie." I can't contain myself. I blurt out "yeah let's put me in your movie!" Mind you, I still have no idea what the friggin movie is.

He says "there are no female parts." She says "let's make her the cop."  I say yeah let's make me the cop. Now I have completely forgotten about my tv tragedy because now I am going to be a movie star. He says "yeah lets go"  he gets the script, I cold read, 3 times with him, in front of one of the biggest casting directors in Hollywood and.........................

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW........

withhold from me withhold from you

Thurdays night, I walked into a restaurant and one of the waiters came right up to me. I asked if I could sit at the table outside, he told me that I would have to wait for the host. The host came over, the waiter asked, and the host said "sure, the people have just paid their check, you can go stand over them so they will leave. "

Mind you, the waiter was all flirty flirt, telling me he liked my hair blah, blah.

So, I'm outside and my friend is in the bathroom. The waiter comes out and says that the host made a mistake, that there are only open tables in his section.

I know full well what he is doing, but I go along ,becuase the girls at the table I wanted were taking forever.

We sit, the waiter is all flirty, flirty, telling me that he just wants to get all the other people out so we can be alone. I notice he has a wedding ring on.

The little girl at the next table saw my open toe shoes and like my polish,so she playfully tickled my toes.

The waiter walked by and said, "note to self, she likes he toes tickled."

I told my friend that he was brodering on creepy. He was gorgeous btw, so he prob gets away with more than average looking guys.

Anyway, all of a sudden, he says to my friend, "she's a comedian huh?"  Then he looks at me and asks if I'm still boxing. Which at this point makes me want to run for the hills.

He starts in with little tid bits about me that normally only a guy that I dated would know. I ask him how he knows me and he says "i'm not telling ,I like to hold information back when it comes to women."

At that point I knew it was time for the check.  He sensed I was having none of it and tried to recover. He said I know you from 4 years ago I told my friend how cute I thought you were and "you still are, you look great, not  a bit different. When you walked in I remebered that you have a great personality".

You see in the past I might have fallen for that withholding stuff. I might have chased a bit, but now my first instict  is self preservation. What a sick way to try to connect. He liked me 4 years ago and obvioulsy didnt have the guts to talk to me, he jsut looked at me from afar, gathering information, becuase I don't remember him. It made me think of another time, when this guy came up to me and told me that I look pale and in the next breathe asked me if I wanted to go to Miami with him.

I said, "you just insulted me, why would I even want to spend another second with you?" He said, "oh that's how I do it, I tell you that you look pale then you will want to go to Miami with me to get a tan."

I responded "save that for someone with no self -esteem."

It's kills me, they want to be around me, so they think if they withhold and insult me, that  it will bring me closer;but the reality is, it repels me and  they actually  end up witholding from themselves, because they don't get to be around me, which is what they wanted to begin with.