status qo, staus schmo

When I first started to learn about art, I saw an Ed Hopper exhibit and all the wall there was a description. The description said, that Ed Hopper did not need a lot on the outside because he had a lot going on on the inside.

I remember standing there thinking, what does that mean? I was frozen. It was like everything i had learned was being turned on it's head in that one moment. MY whole life was built on trying to feel safe and stuff and people were the only ways I could find to do that.

I always believed in God I guess, well not really, i believed in God as long as I thought i was had some control  I never allowed my self to fully surrender, to fully give in and see what happened.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't have glimpses of knowing thaI had something inside me that wasn't of my own making.

I remember reading A Return to love by Marianne Williamson, she talked about how God can't come straight down because it would too powerful, and scare us.

I definitely associate talent with God and love, I think we all have it, in one form or another.  But to let it flow freely through us is so intense.

I used to be afraid to talk like this for fear of the nasty backlash. But now I don't care, i would rather talk like this than be ugly. I also realize that the attacks are just them attacking that within themselves that they know is in there but are afraid to have it stirred because it might take a little work to get to it. So it seems like the easier thing to do is to try to make me stop saying it.

But once it is achieved, you don't need anything on the outside to comfort you. You can reach down and pull it out anytime.

Kristen Johnston invited me to her vacation home after seeing  me perform once. I asked her why she let me come because she didn't even know me. I said I could be crazy. She responded with anyone with that much talent can't be crazy.

I was shocked that she could see in me something in me that I hadn't completely seen in myself.  She also asked me why I left my neighborhood. I said, " because I've always wanted grow, I would have left any neighborhood. She responded, "you knew you had talent."

Maybe I did, on an unconscious level. I have always searched for something more in my life.  I have always wanted to express myself. Thats' all I've ever wanted yet I found myself buried by all this stuff.  There were many times that I stood on stage, and I could feel that I wasn't being myself. I would feel like i wanted to stop the bullshit and just talk.

It wasn't until all my stuff was taken away that I found my own worth. I had to let go, I  wanted to let go, I wanted to face everything and see what would happen. I wanted to work so hard that it felt like I might die. I wanted my insides to shake so much that i wanted to take back my control and not do it. I wanted to reach past all the things and get to the insides so that just in case I live until I'm a hundred i will have a safe place to live.

Inside my own skin.

I feel like I have disciplined myself enough to keep myself from self sabotage, and disciplined myself enough to feel joy.

I look forward to continuing my journey because nothing is ever still,  I saw a billionaire on MSMBC say that he didn't believe in status qo, because anything that isn't growing is dying.

Your Move

So, yesterday was my second chess lesson. This guy had volunteered to teach me.  The reason why I want to learn how to play chess is because I've heard that it helps exercise your brain. He kept telling me that he only likes to play with a timer. He doesn't like that people take a bunch  of time to think.

I said, "don't you think that maybe that's a mind game. If you told me that, I would see that as a weakness and take my time because it would drive you crazy and then I could win." He responded "no."

He proceeded to teach me that the Queen is the baddest mutha f*ckah on the board.  And that you should always be a few moves ahead of your next move.

Then I won lol.

Yesterday was the second lesson.  As soon as we sat down this cute little boy came over and starting giving me rapid fire tips.  He talked alot and really fast. He told us that his older brother was much better at the game than him. He said that his older brother was better than him and t everything. I said to the guy "wow and it never changes, you are always the younger brother."

The guy proceeded to say (with so much aggression mind you ) "No my younger brother worked for me."

I took note. Then the kid told me that the guy had taught me the wrong name for one of the pieces. He told me it was called a castle, and the kid said it's called a rook, (i already knew this because I went on line and studied in between the two lessons)

The guy got all insecure and said "he knows more than me."

Then the older brother came over and started to help me. He was must calmer and took longer to think. As the pauses were happening i was beginning to realize that the guy was bullshitiing me. I had asked him a few questions that he didn't have the answers to. He would just tell me that the only way to learn was to play.

I asked the older boy to help me by asking me questions, to lead me to making my move, instead of just making it for me. He did it kindly.

The younger brother was still knocking over pieces and  acting rambunctious. Then out of no where, another little boy came over and asked who's ball was lying beside us.

The little one responded "mine." and just as the kid was walking away he said, "you can use it."

He knows what it feels like to have an older brother, so he shared.

Then, we were back to the game. I kept my eyes on the guy the whole time.

At one point he intimidated the older one,  jumped on him before he was able to make his move. I saw the shame come over his body. He was getting the unconscious message not to make the guy look bad.  I let the kid finish and  then It was time to go.

I politely said I had somewhere to be. I bent down looked in the boys eyes and thanked them for their help and told them to never stop being great at chess, no matter what.

As me and the guy were walking to the street, I thought, that's why he likes to go fast, so that no one will see him for who he really is. Which is  really just a 6 year old kid, without the empathy.  He had no more moves, he just showed me who he was in an hour. Check mate.

sailing....

I was too pooped last night to write. I had the most glorious day sailing yesterday. I love the water. There is something so healing about floating around on nature like that. There were a few times when the wind was so strong and the boat was literally on it's side.

At first I would tighten my body but after a few times, and realizing that we were not going to tip over, I gave into it and lied there a few inches from the water.

It was exhilarating. I realized that by tightening my body I was giving myself a false sense of control I do it when I'm flying too. As I'm writing that it seems ridiculous like I can somehow control the world by squeezing my ass cheeks together.

Every time I let go and give into fear I fly, Literally leave my body. I think that is the feeling that people who do drugs chase after.

I had some body work done of Fri and the practitioner asked me what my definition of surrender was, and I responded, "acceptance." She said "most people don't say that. I responded with , " I'm not most people."

And yesterday on the boat this girl said to me "Sue you are really really smart." Both she and my other friend said they like hanging around with me because it must mean that I think they are smart too.

I think everybody is smart, we are all born with the same gut. I think that the emotions get in the way. One you are clear your gut (which is your second brain) and your head help to support each other.( ah ah pooped is the way I started this blog off and I didn't even realize the depth of that)

The only way I can describe is, as humans it's our job to remain open. To continue to learn how not to sabotage ourselves to stay centered so then the divine intervention can come in an sweep us away, and the next thing we know we are sailing away.

If that's not a high I don't know what is.

going sailing........

will blog about it later:) Have a beautiful day....

do something kind for yourself...........

everyone will get zapped..

My phone rang around 7:30pm last night. It was my friend Violet, she was really upset. Violet owns a restaurant in the Meat Packing District and her customer of ten years, dropped dead yesterday. She called wondering what the meaning of life is. I wrestle with that question everyday.  She was uncomfortable with how upset she was. I comforted her and told her that she had every right to be sad. The man  ate in her restaurant 3 to4 times a week for ten years.

As I'm wiring this it's coming to me. That is the meaning of life. To feel your feelings and to not be ashamed of them. To not judge yourself. Sometimes the feelings are excruciating, but if you don't feel them the get repressed and when you repressed the bad feelings the good ones have to go as well.

I was having lunch with her last week when a man walked in and V asked him if he wanted his table. Apparently he sat at the same table all the time and we were sitting in it. He smiled and said "no worries."

He died a week later. Maybe he was telling us something. Maybe he had no more worries maybe he was ready to be zapped.

I think the meaning of life it to grow and feel and love and get angry and heal and do it all over again and again.

I think the meaning of life is to accept that we are all going to get zapped, and the sooner we accept it the sooner we can get to the business of living because it's not until you are not afraid to die that you are truly free to live.

Greedy = Needy

For much of my life I was living in oblivion. I have always been acutely aware of what was happening around me but in order to survive I had to squelch my instincts. It has taken me years to dig myself out of all the confusing survival tactics that I used in or to survive. Notice that I said survive.

Somewhere along the way I made the decision that I didn't just want to survive, I wanted to live.  And in order to do that I need to go through some pain.

I discovered that one of my biggest  weaknesses is, not being able to see the dark in people, including myself. Because I am honest, I thought the whole world was honest. But also, being a good girl is another weakness it's gotten me in a lot of trouble.

This weekend I was sitting in Vineyard Haven with my friend and there was beautiful Buddha hanging outside a store. I said to her, "I just had the impulse to steal that.' Now mind, you I have stolen one thing in my entire life. It was a sweater vest, from Filenes, when I was in high school. I did it because everyone else was doing it. It made me sick to my stomach.

My friend was amazed that

a.) I would say that out loud,and

b) that I am that aware of my impulses.

I guess it 's all the yoga and the therapy. Also being an actress. Anthony Hopkins said we all have it in us the good and the bad.

My theory is that it's a choice. A choice to act on the up and up. But the choice gets clouded by the unconscious. If we do not look deep, we will act out of impulse and create circumstances. Then we will be confused by the circumstances. Saying things like "how did this happen to me? I'm a good person."

I found it lately with negotiations, there have been times lately where it appeared that I was in the weaker position, but because of someone else's greed, I won.

In the past I wouldn't be able to tolerate that somone could do something so low level. But now that I am not unconcious and i know that the temption is always there. ( and mind you it comes from a weakness and fear that there is not enough)

I was able to see that they were trying to take advantage of my weakness and get more  in the deal.

They got more alright, they got more of "how could this happen to me I'm a good person?"

If you asked any of these people if they thought they were living a low life, they would be horrified.

But the truth is in the truth. If you live in the dark your life will be small. Simple as that. It literally caves in on you. And not until you have the guts to dig yourself out, will you be able to escape it.

My point is, the answer to life is not to not make yourself vulnerable because someone might take advantage, (because then they win) the answer to life is to be vulnerable and aware at the same time. Then make the conscious decision to take what you need and lave the rest. Admit that you might want more, then decide that for yourself, for you to live in your skin, you are going to only take what you need. Otherwise you get  a whole lot of "how good this happen to me? I'm a good person."  It's not good or bad, it's authentic.

False Alarm

Jesus H Christ, as my mother used to say. I have this old lady that lives next door to me. I help her out sometimes. We live in a doorman building so sometimes I leave my door unlocked. Well at 3:49 am, I was awaken by her, standing over me screaming, SUUUUUUE SUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I had my ear plugs in, so it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. Then it hit me.. OMG she's having a heart attack that's why she would do something so boundary less as stand over my bed and scream bloody murder at me.

My whole body was shaking as I prepared to hear that she was in distress. When I finally figured out what she was saying it was too late to shake off the fear.

Are you ready for this???? The battery in her fire alarm was beeping.

I got up and went to go downstairs to get a ladder. I realized that I was in my underwear and a tank top. I looked around my room to see if there were a pair of pants to put on. All I could find was a pair of shorts.

Mind you, my nervous system was still operating as if there were and emergency. I had a thought, that I couldn't be prancing around the building in short shorts and no bra. But my next thought was, no one will see me the guy at the door is a hundred.

Well the hundred year old was not at the door, it was a young guy. He was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. I called his name.

And low and behold, he opened them and proceeded to look me up and down. lol at this point I didn't even care. I just wanted to get the god damn battery out.

I got the ladder and removed the battery.

It took me two hours to get back to sleep.

I know I did the right thing, but would it be too much to ask to have the old lady tap me gently on the shoulder to woo me out of my sleep, and save the bloody murder for when she's dying?

the pant less wonder

Ok now I'm back and in full on work mode. Thank God for that break, my eye was beginning to twitch. That used to happen all the time when I had my T.V show. There is so much going on in my life and I needed to relax. I NEVER used to be able to. I can see now how important it is. To rejuvenate.

I spent two days on the cape with my friends at their house on the golf course.

I got there Thurs. I took a train to a cab to a bus and my friend picked me up. It was exhilarating to get myself from NYC to cape cod and then to Martha's Vineyard and back again.

I found being able to travel like that almost as rewarding as the actual vacation.

Thurs evening we went to watch the sunset on the beach. My friend and I walked out onto the sandbar. We were so deep into conversation and watching the sunset that the water rose around us and we almost had to swim back in fully dressed!

Later we drove to Providence town for scallops. I LOVE scallops, and they were delicious.

The next day I wrote for a while, went for a run around the grounds, then we went to the pool.

Early evening we golfed. I hadn't golfed in like 10 years. My friend was shocked at how good I was. I used to golf with my old boyfriend and I could always hit it straight and long.  I was soooo nervous at first, but as soon as  I got up to the tee, it came right back to me.  I think it's even better now because of all the yoga. Everything is better because of the yoga btw.

Then we had a bbq STEAK and potatoes, another one of my favs. Then off for ice cream and the beach.

The next morning they drove me to the boat. I got to Martha's Vineyard 5 hours before my friends were getting there. I planned this. I needed a Sue day.

I got there around 11am. The boat ride was exquisite. I got a sandwich and went to the beach. After a few hours I decided to walk into town. As I'm walking I hear "Sue Costello!" It's Katie McIntyre, joey mac from NKOTB sister. I went to high school with her. She had heard about the movie and was so excited for me. A few minutes later her sister Tricia called to wish me well too.

Then I went back this big lawn and did a little yoga and read. Next thing I knew my friends were there. I went to the house which was amazing! It was on a hill with a porch with a view of the pond and the marina, with acres and acres of grass.

We went and picked up their other friends from NYC and had cheese and fruit on the porch then off to Vineyard Haven. we got coffee and did a little shopping. We went into one store that had a whole display of every product you could imagine. I told my friend Ashley that I was going to test all of them. And I did we laughed so hard.

Then back to the house for a shower and dinner. The house next to theirs had a shower outside. I was going to ask if i could use it. I LOVE outdoor showers maybe  even more than I love scallops. I decided against it.

We cooked dinner then watched the fire works from the porch. I slept with the windows open.

Sunday we woke up had breakfast and went to the beach. When we were leaving on of the guys was supposed to meet us at the entrance to the beach so I didn't put my pants because my bathing suit was wet.

Well needless to say, he was not there when we got there so I was on the side of the road with my t shirt, no top underneath and my bikini bottoms. My friend here in NYC thinks it's the funniest thing that I wear a t shirt and no pants. She has nicknamed me the pant less wonder.

Anyway he finally showed up and we went back to the house for a private yoga session on the porch. AWESOMENESS!!! Then it was back to the boat for me.

The boat ride was gorgeous, and my friends husband picked me up at the boat. We got Thai food and turned in early.

He drove me to South Station the next morning. Not without a cup of Dunkin Doughnuts coffee.

The pant less wonder flew by the seat of her pants and had the time of her life!