my walk around the reservoir

Last night i had the urge to walk around the reservoir. My friend was dropping me off after dinner and I asked him if he wanted to come with but he had to go home for a conference call. I usually never walk it at night on account of fear. Well, last night I was like screw it I want to go so I'm going.

I feel  like the walk brings me closer to God, but last night proved to be more spiritual than any other walk.

It was almost dark so the sky was a deep blue. The water was completely still and the view of the city was breathtaking.

But most of all, there was a full moon. The fullest moon I'd ever seen.

As I made my way around the reservoir I tried to be aware of my body and tried to be in the moment to feel this simple, free, pleasure.

As I walked around the track I thought about how the whole setting looked like a work of art.

I remembered my friend once telling me that you don't have to just look at art, you can feel it. So as I walked through the parts that were well lit I felt open an free and not aware of my surroundings.

But as I got to the darker points I found my body closing down and fear setting in. I would scan the area to make sure no one was in the bushes and that  there were people around me should trouble arise.

Then I noticed that at one point it looked as though the moon was behind me and then I walked a little further and it was ahead of me.

That walk was such a metaphor for life. I was scared at first but I did it anyway. First  it was ligh and then it was dark and then light again.  Then as I continued on, my perspective changed but the gratitude in my heart stayed the same.

who dissapears?

People who don't think they are worth it to stay and show up for themselves and for life.  This brings to mind that song from "Chicago" Mr. Cellophane. That song always makes me sad. When he sings about how people can see right through him. But why is that? People look through people who have nothing inside.

I was thinking today how any person that is not worthy to be in my life, will eventually take themselves out of the game.

I don't have to do anything but show up and be graceful and that grace will shine the light on the cellophane.  I don't even have to exert myself and the other person will leave. It's amazing.

The hard part is not stooping, because someone with nothing inside will try to take what you have inside and share it. They will try to pull you into the negative, to muddy the waters, so you can't see clearly.

I have always told me friends, that the person who is more uncomfortable will leave a room first.

Usually that person is the one who is at fault. But the key to all of this is being able to stay still long enough to let it happen.

It's kinda of like playing chicken while you are driving a BMW and the other person is driving a 1970's beat up pick up truck, with the spare tires attached.

You know who will win, but only if the BMW stays straight and narrow on the road and doesn't waiver, no matter how out of control the pick up truck gets.

omg Jive talkin just came on as I'm writing this.

So appropriate...."trying to take  away my energy"........

The idea is to hold on to your own energy and allow others to find their own.

I read recently that kids are not developing empathy in their brains because of technology.

Before all this tech stuff if two kids were playing and there was an uncomfortable moment one of the kids would reach inside and pull out something to help the two of them get out of it.

Nowadays they just text.......

I'm asking everyone to try to go inside, see if you have enough empathy to ask yourself to rise above it. and in doing so you are generously asking someone else to become solid...........

everyday i get up and do it...

The first thing I do when I wake up is meditate, then I make my coffee, then I pull up my blog. Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to write, but I do it anyway and eventually something comes to me.

Lately, I have been fascinated with this idea of being seen. The idea of putting myself out there so people can see me, instead of hiding and being angry that no one gets me.lol

It brings to mind a joke that I always wanted to do. It came about when some girl was trying to give me dating advice.

She told me all these rules. i'e ,if a guy calls you after a certain time don't answer, blah blah blah. The whole motive behind her tips was to play hard to get.

I wanted to do a joke about me sitting on my couch on a sat night ALONE saying "oh yeah I'm showing  them, I"m so hard to get!"

AHHHHH and I just turned on the radio and Janice Joplin's signing "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose!!" See if I show up and the dive intervention will follow.

I dunno, i'm just amazed that the level of fear that comes up when I put myself out there. And that song rings so true for me. I mean what the hell do I have to loose?

And the truth is, I get everything I've ever wanted when I do it. Which backs up my theory that I have an aversion to pleasure. I mean it's really crazy, I could see if I was getting negative attention then it would make sense but being afraid of being happy is to hard for me to wrap my brain around.

I mean what if I got everything I ever wanted? And by that I mean internally, what if I healed to the point that I could handle whatever comes my way. My whole identity has been I'm the girl who got f*cked over by life.

Now who will  be?

I"m not sure, but I got nothing left to lose and I want to be free so I'm to feel the fear and do it anyway....

into me I see.....

I have to laugh, as smart as I might be most of the time ,when it comes to men, sometimes I am a little naive. I mean, in terms of picking up when they are hitting on me. My friend Nancy told me last night that I need become more aware.

I guess it's true., especially f I want to enjoy it

Thank God I have better friends now, because in the past I would have friends that would notice that I didn't pick up on the attention and then steal the guys.

When I was in Boston I got alot of guy attention, so much that it embarrassed me.

It's hard, the only way I can describe it is, that it must be the same for someone who grew up fat and now looks great.

It's not easy to shake those inside feelings, especially for me, when it comes to something like looks. Because our society bases so much on them and I think of it as a shallow way to connect. Plus, looks will eventually leave, so the thought of building a life based on them seems stupid.

But if I look closer at that past statement, what I'm really doing is blocking my own pleasure. Why not enjoy it while I have it??? Why be ashamed of something that feels good?  I know, because I'm afraid someone might think badly of me, might make fun of me, might tell me that I'm weird.

It seems that a good balance between the two is to have a healthy awareness of what I look like in order to live in the world. Plus, the better I feel inside, the better the outsides look.

I was telling my friend yesterday that when I was in high school all the girls wanted to be beautiful and I wanted to be sexy.

I always thought sexy was better. Because it comes from the inside. Beautiful is outside. But now I think about it, why do I have to choose?

My Dad told me that I was" too much" growing up and my whole life I have tried to tone it down.

But not really, I am an actress and a comic, so I've been putting myself out there, but not all the way out there. So I've been pretty much hiding in public.

I realize why though. I just did my hula hoop video for fun and lots of Boston people commented that I'm crazy and a nut and that there is something wrong with me. The rest of the world love it and said things like "for Christ's sake stay happy" and" that was the funniest thing I've ever seen."

In the past, the comment that there was something wrong with me would have made me ashamed, now I realize that  what I  learned in grammar school, " if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all." still applies.

And that is not for me, but for that person's own self worth.  Saying mean things, takes from the world.

I'm not weird, I'm happy and generous and loving.

If people want to connect with me they can be nice, because that will bring me closer, if they are mean and call me names, I will run, run, run.

As for the guys  it's the same question. I just hope I can feel in my body to know when they are giving it:)

I remember being in therapy and saying "i don't like the way that guy talked to me" and my therapist said "good cause that used to turn you on."

And lets be real.. isn't weird to not want to be mean to or not  around someone fun and loving and respectful and generous?

flexing is way sexier...

Oh boy, sorry I've been away for a bit.  I got a lot going on. I just booked another movie and I shot my hula hoop video yesterday. Today is Sunday and it's raining so, I may stay in my PJs all day drink coffee and read the New York Times.

But before I do that ,I must write about my latest discovery. Well, I always knew this to be true, but I think I'm finally able to put it into action.

Last night, Iwas talking to this guy about how growing up, we used to bust each others balls and how it felt like love.  Then, when I went to therapy, my therapist told me that lots of people connect through aggression. I had never heard it put that way. It's amazing how a different perspective can help in digging yourself out of your own self inflicted imprisonment.

On that day, I decided that I was not going to live my life that way.

When I first started to look at myself ,I didn' t like what I saw. I didn't like that Iwas sarcastic and mean. I also didn't like that fist fighting was always an option.

When I realized this, I put it all down, but then it was like I became nothing. I was in trouble because I couldn't survive in the world with no skin. So I had to learn a  new way of life.

I slowly learned how to get in touch with my healthy aggression and I learned how to express it in a healthy way.

I simple rule of thumb is; to push back when pushed.

Reflect someone else's behavior back to them.

That doesn't mean if someone is sarcastic and mean, be that back to them.

No, it means push them back with something more sophisticated.

A healthy expression of aggression.

I've worked really hard to untwist it. I used to think that love was hate and hate was love.  So now when people try to pull me down into their aggression to keep me close, but I just step off now. I flex my muscles in my legs and walk away.

I leave them with their own feelings of aggression. But, I leave the door open. If they want to come back and connect with me though love, I will always be available.

Also, I have come to terms with where I come from and I embrace it. It's just that I had to re cycle it a bit, to turn out a different product.

True freedom is becoming a wholly integrated person, muscles and all.

don't have time today...

but tune in tomorrow when i write about flexing instead of fighting...peace

oh to be a kid again..

Friday night I was on the train and there was a woman sitting behind me with her two kids. A boy around 2 and a little girl 4. They were a little rambunctious and I could tell the mother was tired.

I went over and began talking to the little girl so the Mom could focus on the boy.

I was listening to my Ipod and the little girl wanted to listen as well. Her mom was nervous that she was bothering me.

I told her "not at all" and put one of the ear plugs in her ear.

I put on Miley Cyrus'  the climb and she loved it, as do I.  We began singing it at the top of our lungs.

She was smiling and laughing hysterically.  I hadn't noticed her shirt beforehand, but I looked down at that moment and saw that it read HAPPY.

When we were almost to the station, she asked me if I would hold her hand when we were getting off the train. Of course I said yes.

As we were leaving the train, she asked if I would carry her, of course I said yes.

When it was time to part ways she blew me huge kisses and I blew her huge kisses as well.

As I walking away, I stopped for a minute and felt my body. That little exchange brought me so much joy. This little girl helped me to bring out the little girl in me.

In the past, I would have been too embarrassed to sing with her. I would be afraid that people would think I was weird.

Then the ricochet affect would happen.

I would tell her to  "shhh" because of my own inhibitions and fear of what others might think and I would squelch her little girl then she would not act like that again and prob grow up and do the same to her kid.

But that didn't happened and I bet you a dollar that if I had done that, she wouldn't have asked me to carry her and blow kisses to me when i was leaving.

Hence, I would not have had the great feelings inside me.

Interdependance is the key to life....

Jesus that’s a tough one. That’s seems to be the key to happiness. The key to freedom. Accepting my own humanity has been the only relief I ever get. As I continue on my journey down this road called life. I am beginning to realize that the only and I really mean the only, time that I am in emotional pain is when my ego takes over.

I was talking to my friend last night about how fascinated I am that most of life is really created by our thoughts.

I have a band on my arm that says" our lives are what our thoughts create."

I got it in a gift bag from a party I went to at Fred Segal in LA. If that’s not ironic I don’t now what is.

My point is that I hadn’t worn it in a while because I didn’t completely get it. But for some reason lately, it’s sinking in. Maybe it’s because I have more courage now ,to slow down, feel my feelings and witness my thoughts.

I was saying to friend that I cant’ believe how much of what goes on in life is just feelings, and how if they aren’t felt, they manifest on the outside.

She said she had never really thought about it, but now that I mentioned it, yes it makes sense.

Think about people who thrive in chaos.  It’s because they are not feeling their feeling they are dumping them on everyone else.

They think it’s a relief ,but it’s not ,maybe in the first second you feel better, but in reality you are creating your own hell.

As I am writing this it makes me think about the earth. How we have been lazy and just dumped everything wherever we wanted to and now it’s tuning back on us and if we don’t start paying attention, do our part  to come together, the global warming will literally turn us into a huge fire ball.