Christmas is over…

This year I spent Christmas with my most favorite person in the whole wide world: me. I went to breakfast in my PJ's and took very good care of myself. So much so that when I saw my friends last night they were like, "Sue you look so well rested!"

I spent a lot of time thinking about how any action I take in my life should be life-affirming, as opposed to life-depleting.

I spent many many years shopping or going to boyfriend's (who I never really loved) parents house. It would take me weeks to recover.

I would buy things for people instead of being authentically loving. I have found that sometimes it feels more exhausting to be authentically generous, but the truth is that it's actually life affirming.

For me, when I first started doing it, it was like a muscle that I hadn't used in a very long time. It took all my energy and usually I had to sleep for a while after I did it. But, eventually it became easier and almost second nature.

As opposed to the other way, which was like a dull pain that never added to my life, but slowly  depleted it.

Two stories come to mind as I write this. The first is the night of the Last Comic Standing finals. We were in Las Vegas and the show had just finished. The show where Brett Butler freaked out because the whole show was fixed. It was awful. Everyone felt bad. I went to my hotel room and cried really really hard. I cried for like 20 minutes. After that 20 minutes, I stood up and felt energized and the first thought that came to me was, I had a boyfriend for 8 years who was practically a dead body just so I didn't have to feel 20 minutes of acute pain.

The second story is about Laurence Fishburne. I did a movie with him way back when. The day I wrapped he looked me in the eyes and said, "Sue don't ever stop doing what you're doing, they just don't get you yet."

I remember walking away feeling both flattered and frustrated. I thought what does that mean? And how do I keep going if no one gets me and why doesn't he help me?

Well after that day I sat down and began to write my show. 10 years later Laurence was on Broadway. I went to his show. I was terrified to ask if I could see him after. And of course I had to go through 8 really condescending people.

I was already so scared that he wouldn't remember me, so to fight through all these people made it even harder.

Well he poked his head out of his dressing room and said, “Get in here Costello.”

He hugged me so tight as I told him, "If no one has ever told you that you changed their life, you changed mine."

He cried. My friend was with me and she said she almost stepped out the room because it was such an intimate moment.

I have his number in my phone now and he helps me when I need help. He helps me find strength within myself to keep going.

So instead of looking for something from him I gave him something and in return he gives back.

How can something so easy be so hard?

laughter its contageous

I have always been amazed at the power of laughter, but lately it's been hitting me in a way that it never has. I have always loved the fact that I could spontaneously make a room full of people laugh. I mean, its so universal and guttural.

I've been able to make the grumpiest of people turn that frown around in a second.

When I was a kid, there was a guy at the Savin Hill train station who worked the booth.

He looked so miserable, so every time I went to take the train I would set my mind to make him smile.

He never would, until one day, out of nowhere, it happened! He smiled and I went to pay and he clicked the turnstyle and let me through.

I remember he let me ride for free from that day on. I was too young to make the connection between kindness and currency back then and as a teenager my anger caught up with me and I learned about sarcasm and began to use this power in a bad way.

It hurt others but mostly it hurt me. It was like a depleting life force.

There is something so powerful now about the fact that I use my ability as a life-giving force. I have control over it. I don't just react out fear and hurt others with it.

I remember sitting with an Italian chef who spoke only a tiny bit of English, and telling him stories about growing up and he was laughing uncontrollably.

I was fascinated with the fact that the connection was deeper than words — it was an energy.

The only way I can describe it is that I used to do it for attention, make people laugh I mean, but now I do it to make people feel good. I want people to feel better. I want them to stop worrying. I want them to turn that frown upside down.

I do it as life-affirming and life-giving. I have a child's heart and a grown woman's self-restraint.

sawry I haven’t been wrting

I'm in Florida, heading home today! Needed a little break but I'm all re-energized and I'll be back to the blogging tomorrow! Also, If you're in Boston New Year's Eve, come see me at Tommy's Comedy Lounge! 7:30 show!

I can see cleary now...

What I think matches what I feel, which matches with what see, which matches with what I say then do. It's taken a long time and I am by no means finished with my journey. I'm actually excited to find out how much more I can learn. One of my favorite things lately is getting back in touch with my tough side. I grew up in the streets of Boston and like anything, there was a lot of both good and bad that came along with it. I had to let go of a lot of it in order to rebuild and I have to say I'm psyched to be rebuilding my tough side. I used to have no impulse control. So in reality my so-called tough side was really just a dumb weak side because it usually got me into a lot of trouble and took away from my life instead of adding to it. I would have so much misdirected anger because of my past that I would screw up my future. I can honestly say that now I get mad at the appropriate things and I'm able to express it in a healthy way and sometimes that means thinking enough of myself to remove myself from a situation. Now self-preservation is my tough side. I'm tough enough to be alone and stand in with my own convictions. I need people, but only people who help me move forward. Move forward — that's an action; that is where true love for one's self lives. It's not a thought or a feeling or a something you see, it's what you do.

if you want

…someone to see you, show yourself love, be loving kindness, become kindness, be generous and sexy, be horny :)

I want to win, and I want to win the right way

I was having dinner with a guy friend of mine the other night who mentioned something about my integrity and I told him that lately I've been realizing (and grieving over) the fact that I have never seen how valuable it is. I told him that I always thought that everyone had it. In fact I used to think that everybody had it put together and I was completely fucked up.

He said, "I can't believe with your personality that you even feel unsure at all."

Which of course is crazy because everyone feels unsteady sometimes, but I thought about what he said and people have always seen it in me. I just couldn't see it in myself.

I told him about one of the first times recently that I was able to be in my body and own my own integrity.

I was on date with this guy who took me out on his boat, then to dinner.

At dinner, he started talking about this public person — "a friend of his" — who has a rough image. He said that they are really nice in person.

I said, "Well they probably don't get treated like that.”

He proceeded to argue with me about how your persona didn't need to match up with who you were.

And I said, "I didn't say that. I said that person probably doesn't get treated like a nice person."

He asked me why.

I said, "Because niceness is not what they built their career on." I also said that I had compassion because sometimes something works once and you get carried away with it.

He said, "So you're saying they sold out?"

I said, "No, I'm saying that they might have gotten carried away with the image that they were putting out."

He still didn't get it.

I said, "You went to college right? Then you understand that every action has a reaction."

I also said, "That wouldn't work for me because it would make me sad and lonely. I need who I am to match up with my work."

To which he responded, "Oh I get it, you want to win and you want to win the right way."

I left that dinner thinking, What the hell just went on? I felt a little scared and a little ashamed.

I talked it over with a few friends and realized that he was defending himself. He wants to be a good guy inside but do bad things at work.

He wanted me to conform to his ideas without having any opinion even though I didn't realize that we were talking about him until after I left.

Essentially he would have liked it if I stopped being me so he could feel better about himself, and he was doing it through this so called "I have a friend" story.

This was the first time I held my own with someone like that, without taking someone else down, meaning I didn't have to talk poorly about the other person, like when he said "you're saying they sold out."

Because in the past sometimes it would come out purely and naturally, like it did, because that's usually how integrity comes out, and people would say "Sue we're not all like you" and I would be filled with shame and hide or say something bad about someone when I didn't even mean anything bad.

Also, that was the first time I walked away from a date and that shamed and scared me. In the past that would have turned me on.

I never called the guy again.

So, now I'm sitting at dinner with my friend telling him this story — mind you he knows how much I have struggled (emotionally, financially, etc) to write my show — and they said, "Sue you didn't sell out, you could have dated the guy with a boat so he could take care of you."

Ha! See? People see it. I would never date someone for money. The only reason I would have ended up anywhere near that guy is if I was still addicted to the shame and wanted to hide my light in his dark

But thankfully, that ship has sailed!!

homeless lady wants a makeover…

This one is going to be short, because I'm on a roll writing the end of my show, but I had to write a little blurb about this.The other night I was getting my nails done and a homeless lady with a mustache and a beard came in and told the girl at the desk that she wanted the works. Mani, pedi, facial and massage. She parked her shopping cart and took a seat. She took a look at the brochure and the prices and decided against it. When the woman left, the manager sprayed Lysol all over the place. I had so many feelings, I think the manager thought she could Lysol them away. Well needless to say it didn't work, at least for me. I really had to sit there and see what I was feeling. Of course someone that dirty can make us uncomfortable, but she is still a person. I haven't resolved it in myself yet because, the answer cannot be that you're only allowed to be groomed if you're already groomed. It just can't be.

homeless lady wants a makeover....

This one is going to be short, because I'm on a roll writing the end of my show, but I had to write a little blurb about this.The other night I was getting my nails done and homeless lady with a mustache and a beard came in and told the girl at the desk that she wanted the works. Mani, pedi, facial and massage. She parked her shopping and took a seat. She took a look at the brochure and the prices and decided against it. When the woman left, the manager sprayed Lysol all over the place. I had so many feelings, I think the manager thought she could Lysol them away. Well needless to say it didn't work, at least for me. I really had to sit there and see what I was feeling. Of course someone that dirty can make us uncomfortable, but she is still a person. I haven't resolved it in myself yet because, the answer cannot be that you're only allowed to be groomed if you're already groomed. It just can't be.