the cutest kids are all kids

I was on the train this morning on my way to jury duty and it got stuck in a tunnel for 20 minutes. There was a cute little kid sitting beside me. When the train stopped I turned and said, "Uh oh" and immediately I saw terror go across his face. I said, "Ooh did I make you nervous, I'm sorry, there is nothing to worry about." His face softened and he asked, "Then why are we stopped?" I said, “The conductor just said that there is congestion ahead…” (I repeated it because I knew he heard it but didn't understand) “…which means that there are trains ahead of us, and we have to wait for them to move before we can move." He softened a little and asked, "How long?" I said, "I dunno but probably not long." He completely softened and said "OK." I don't know what it was about that tiny exchange but it really moved me. I've been practicing yoga for about 10 years now and I'm always amazed at how you can always go deeper in your practice. The philosophy being, you do the vinyasa so that you can calm your body down to meditate, to be present.

I feel like it's working. Instead of being worried about being late to jury duty I made sure I was sitting and breathing very deeply, and because I was in my body I was acutely aware that I had scared the little boy and was immediately able to calm him down. His little "OK" let me know that I had respected him and acknowledged him as a person.

I forgot about my street cred...

I was so afraid of how rough I was growing up that I somehow thought that if I moved and pretended, then I could be someone else. I let go of my suit of armor and there was a jelly fish underneath.

I was so filled with fear and I had no ability to function without my old ways.

But just like they say, the unhealthy things you use to survive usually turn on you as and adult. So they had to go. Offering someone out, which is how we asked someone to fight growing up, didn't work in the rest of the world.

Lately, I have really been having some deep revelations about myself.

I am remembering things that people have said to me over the years and how I always took them as bad, instead of good. I had so much shame inside about who I was authentically, that that is how I saw the world.

I let go of all of my toughness because I never wanted to be a "bitch," but I'm realizing that if I take my street smarts and mix it with what I've learned as a person there is nothing I can't do.

It just boils down to respect. I need to have self respect, then I can have it for others.

This guy posted something filthy on my Facebook wall this morning and I deleted and posted on his wall "be nice."

We ended up having a really nice exchange. He said, “I thought you were ‘blue’ so it was OK.” Which is a defense. There is no excuse, but rather than say that, I just showed up with kindness. I said I promote funny and kindness and if you really look at what I do, I do touch on sexuality but I do it in a classy way. He was projecting his own "blueness" onto me.

He responded, “Thank you so much for talking to me and not calling me a jerk.” I said, "Calling you a jerk would not be promoting kindness."

I remember my therapist saying to me years ago, “Sue, people are happy that you treat them with respect because most people just call them an asshole and walk away.”

The reason I don't do that is because I have compassion. There were many times in the past where I talked poorly about someone — not because I really meant it but because a bunch of people were doing it and I wanted to fit in.

Well when that person found out about it and confronted me, I felt terrible because I didn't even mean it.

I have learned my lesson.

I used my inner street cred to show up with kindness. Who knew that would take more courage than being in a street fight?

I am amazed at how much closer it brings me to people.

I have always loved people but was so ashamed that I was who I was, I became like others to fit in. Which is a gang mentality.

No more. I just remembered when I auditioned to do a half hour comedy special for Comedy Central and their response was, "We don't know what to do with her energy"

I was so hurt at the time, but now I get it: my humor is not mean, I'm very proud of that and if it takes me a little longer to get people to see it — so be it.

I'll start with one email at a time.

2 Jobs I would never want.

The first is a bill collector and the second is a camera person for a reality show. I was thinking about both of those jobs last night. The bill collector because one of my friends called me so shaken because she had just gotten off the phone with one. She had called to try to make a payment arrangement on a card that had already been shut off. The woman was so rough with my friend that she gave her best friends phone number and now she was terrified that they would start to harass the friend. She was in a shame spiral by the time she got to me.

Don't get me wrong: I think people should pay their debt, but I don't think it's that simple. I just look at what happened on Wall Street and think they didn't have personal shame about the fact that they swindled the American people by enticing them with the so called "American Dream" and then lent them money that they knew they would not be able to pay back. No, they were not ashamed — in fact, they demanded that the government bail them out for their mistakes. And the government did, with our money. As I'm typing this, I'm literally laughing out loud. I'm thinking it's no wonder the Europeans think we’re dumb.

The credit card companies essentially did the same thing: gave credit to people they knew would not be able to afford it and then charged tremendous interest on top of it.

Now, the way they think they are going to get their money back is by shaming people and emailing them at work. Ummm they could lose their jobs if you do that, then they will have no moolah to pay you back, stupid.

This goes back to my theory that Bullies are stupid. They actually fuck themselves. A person would be more apt to pay back the money if they were treated with respect and by respect, I mean with words and actions. The credit card companies could take some of the responsibility and negotiate with people, especially people who call to make a payment plan. Imagine waking up every day and your job is to scare and shame people that are probably already scared and filled with shame?

When I hung up from my friend and turned on BRAVO, there was a new show on about a couple with 7 kids. I'm sure a lot of what comes across on the TV has to do with editing, but they have to have the footage in order to edit it. The husband was lying to his wife right in front of the cameras. I thought, Here's a divorce waiting to happen. Then I thought, Who would want to shoot this? Who would want to get that close to a family with small children who have no say in the matter and invade their privacy like that?

Call me crazy but I think the world needs to slow down a bit. We need to stop and think about what we are doing and how it's affecting people. Just ask yourself, Why do I do what I do for a living? I know the answer will oftentimes be, "Money" but I don't buy it. Money doesn't make you happy and if you’re doing a job just for the money, you’re not living to your full potential because if you did something that you loved, something that added to the world, you would probably make even more money. I ask you to ask yourself: Am I doing my job because it’s a way to secretly discharge some of my own aggression? Do I have some repressed resentment about my life that I am not expressing? Do I have debt myself as I'm shaming this other person? What if someone videoed my life? Would I be any better? If you can't find it in your hearts to care about yourselves, the big people, care about those little ones. They don't have a shot. They will just grow up as resentful and un-nurtured as the rest.

Tonight do one thing for someone without telling anyone it will make you feel like a million BUCKS!

really? lol whatevs, I do what I want:)

I've been thinking a lot about how much of the world today is based in fear and from that fear comes a tremendous amount of useless chatter. People are not so interested in connecting in an authentic way. They are more than happy to use attacks and manipulation to keep the connection at bay. It's as if they want to connect but only so much. They want to connect but control how you see them, which of course never works. Because we end up seeing them even more clearly. It’s like they have a sickness but they are allergic to the antibody that will heal them. I can't control how people see me either, but what I can control is the way I react to it. Lots of people from my past have come my way since I've been back in the press. I have gone truthfully to lots of them, shown up with love and they had nothing. They didn't say anything to me, or about how they felt about the way I express myself. They just asked me if I wanted to fight them. These people don't want to have a real relationship with me.

I am a very logical person, so I ask myself, If these people hate me so much, and I'm soooo crazy, then why would they want to be associated with me? If I'm so terrible, my karma will come back and get me. Actually, if I'm so bad, then that is my Karma. I have to be me, which seems like a penance enough.

It wasn't until recently that my best friend pointed it out to me. She said, "They want a connection with you, Sue" and it's as if I hit the slot machine in Vegas.

It made complete sense to me. I'm mature enough to know that everyone is not going to like me or what I say, and I think that is important; I think it's a sign of success. But I never got that it was because they actually wanted to be around me. Because I'm so logical, I couldn't imagine that they would hurt me when they actually want to be around me. But then I thought about it. What else could it be? Why wouldn't they just leave me alone? If they really cared about what I was saying in my show, they would actually see the show and have an intelligent conversation with me. And, and, and if they really wanted to fight me, I was in Boston for 3 weeks. It was publicized where I would be each day and at what time.

So you see, the only logical conclusion I can come to is just like in the movie The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy finally got to him, after walking that yellow brick road through all the dark spots, after she killed the Wicked Witch through an act of kindness, did she get her courage, brain and heart. She finally realized that she was a person who had it in her the whole time. The Wizard was was just a little man behind a big curtain. That's what fear is: a thousand foot paper curtain.

You want to connect, do it through my heart. If you want to spread your fear (which is not real, only love is real) by looking for a fight just to discharge some of your own ugly feelings, I'm not available.

Seriously, it's really simple, but so hard to do. I just go to the people who love me.

I can't stop others from fighting but I can stop being a vessel for them so maybe they can feel their own feelings and maybe, just maybe, see that fighting is not the only way. It adds to the peace on earth for everybody.

Becoming visible

My friend Josh Lehrer's photos "Becoming Visible" are breathtaking. Eleven cyanotype portraits of members of NY's homeless teenage transgendered community. They are the fastest growing homeless demographic and therefore becoming invisible. Josh is bringing them into the light and personally, I think it's fUcking fantastic!! Robert Miller Gallery 524 West 26th street NYC.

Standing there the other night, on West 26th Street with all the fabulous people. And I mean fabulous! Patrick McMullen taking our pics, I was able to stay in my body and really see what was going on and sometimes it's not so nice and sometimes it's so beautiful it hurts my eyes.

First let me start this off with telling you that Josh came all the way to Boston to see my show. That's the kind of guy he is. We had lunch before I left, some funky fish thing with ginger tea down in the Village. We sat and talked about life and what it meant to put ourselves out there. We talked about the excruciating task of looking at ourselves and asking how much work it takes to stop destructive behavior to be successful and feel the love.

Well his show the other night was him walking the walk. As I stood outside getting some fresh air I was amazed at what I saw. I was talking to these two people and a third approached. The third person said, "I love it! It kinda reminds me of high school yearbook pictures" and immediately the too other people said "Don't say that!" They squelched him immediately. I mean it's art, you can interpret it any way you like. I couldn't help but defend the guy. I said, "Wow, that's pretty cool if you ask me. Here are these young homeless kids that are outcast by mainstream society, and if Josh was able to conjure up a universal, familiar, safe way for someone to view them, that juxtaposition is pretty amazing. Here are kids that society has turned their eyes away from and Josh has presented them in a way that we can see them.”

They all agreed. I was able to give them a different perspective and let the guy express himself. I mean that's what Josh and I were talking about at lunch that day. That's why we do what we do.

Then, a guy told the girl beside me that she was really pretty, then turned and said to another woman, "Hey so and so, I found a girl way prettier that you."

It was awful and so uncomfortable. Here this guy was, trying to become visible by hurting another. He was visible alright — the lady beside me said, "What an asshole."

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are two ways to become visible. The first one is the courageous, brave, and life-giving way. The other is the cowardly, hate-filled, life-taking way, which really only takes away the life of the one doing the hating. Which is ironic because all the hater really wants is love. But we are not children anymore and any attention is not always good attention because you are only hurting yourself.

hiya sugar muffins

Just wanted to drop a note to let everyone know that I'm not going anywhere. In fact I'm just getting started, so put your seatbelts on — it's gonna be a wild ride. The strength I got from doing my show in Boston is like a huge —

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! In my belly!

I'm gonna take that fiah and keep spreading the good word.

Hugs not hate man, but if you do hate, I will not roll over, I'll push you back with love :)

You wanna be around me? Trying to knock me down is not going to work ;) I grew outta that a long time ago. I wrote a show about it, memba?

Peace out homies :)

fo real...

4 the record, my sister went to BC undergrad and BU law. She took out student loans to do so and paid the rest with the $ she made as a waitress at Amrheins. I went to Salem State & UMass for free cause my mom worked in the maintenance dept. I worked at McDonald’s to supplement my other expenses which included paying my rent. So 4 the hatahs make sure you got the story straight b 4 you hate :) K?

The complexity of human beings

I'm back in NYC and I sat by myself today thinking about my trip to Boston. I was thinking about how proud I am of myself for going up there and expressing what I feel. I was thinking about how much I have changed since I moved away and how much that has helped me to see people as humans more than I ever have. That is because I see my own humanity. I see my own fears and doubts but the best thing that I have learned in my life is to sit still with all of these feelings. The end of my show is about controlling my impulses and feeling my feelings and having my bad thoughts but not letting them run my life. To be able to be in my body to see the good while protecting myself from the bad.

My whole experience in Boston was about holding onto myself and not reacting. I heard in a yoga class one time that even a star needs to pull in on itself to pulsate out.

I have never forgotten that. It makes so much sense. I always wrestle with being a loving person and having to see that people can be really mean. But I'm a loving person who had the capacity to be mean. Today I thought about how sometimes people can be mean one second and loving the next and sometimes at the same time.

Most people don't have control over their emotions. I found that when I tell someone kindly that their behavior is hurting me or not acceptable, most of the time they feel bad. Why?Because they can't stop themselves. They are so happy that I didn't tell them to fuck off.

I don't think anyone wants to be alone. I think it's the hardest thing in the world to show yourself, to remove the mask and protect yourself at the same time.

But to me that is intimacy. For a long time I thought I was supposed to make excuses for people. Oh they hurt so they are hurting. It wasn't until I realized that I was hurt that I was able to hold myself responsible and in turn hold others responsible.

Isolation is the number one killer in this country, so to all of you reading this, try to put yourself out there — even if you make a mistake. To risk ridicule is the scariest thing in the world. But I realize that sometimes people don't even mean it. They just had a bad thought and instead of pausing and letting it pass through their heart to feel if it's true, they blurt it out and then they can't take it back.

We all have secrets and we feel that if we ever told anyone, they would hate us, but I have found that the complete opposite is true.