Hi y’all! Whew what a whirlwind of a month!!! Please go see The Fighter — everyone in it is awesome and if you're around tonight come see me headline at Gotham!! Also I write a lot during the day on my FB page so friend me there :)
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Lately I have been thinking a lot about how long it has taken me to have my insides match my outsides. For so long they were not matching up. Whether it was that externally, I looked bad and felt OK on the inside, or vice-versa. I have made it a point in my life to search for my true self.
Since I was a kid I wanted to do it, which is weird because as a kid you have not become yourself yet; you are still developing. But this just backs up my whole theory that you are born a fully realized person, but that person gets lost in the socialization process.
I bought a t-shirt in Fanuel Hall when I was a teenager that said, "I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul." I never knew where that quote came from until I watched Invictus the other night. http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/william-ernest-henley/invictus/
I felt like my equilibrium had been rocked. I had no idea that that quote was going to be the precursor for my entire journey. I sat on my couch and thought, Nelson Mandela spent 30 years in a prison cell because of something he believed in. If he can do that, then surely I can stand to have a few uncomfortable feelings.
That's what it takes to change: the ability to have uncomfortable feelings and to tolerate them over and over again until the new becomes the norm. It sometimes feels excruciating but, for me, the end result has been love.
I had it all twisted inside. What was love hurt and what was bad felt good. I kept going though, no matter what.
I used to stand on stage doing my "act" and feel my insides wanting to push out. I wanted to do more, say more, be more.
A lot of what has been happening to me lately is that I'm realizing that I've always been who I wanted to be. I just didn't allow myself to feel it because I didn't think I deserved it. And sometimes society likes to have us believe that we are not safe if we love and forgive. Well, I disagree wholeheartedly.
I'm not saying nothing should bother you — actually, it's quite the contrary. You should go through all your feelings so you can eventually know who you are and what you feel instead of having others tell you.
When I first moved to NYC I was teaching aerobics to these kids from broken homes. There were 2 programs — one in Hell’s Kitchen for very small kids and one in Harlem girls 13 and 14.
I taught the one in Hell's Kitchen. The guy who taught the class in Harlem was one of Madonna's back-up dancers. I had never met him but one day I got a call that he had quit and my first thought was, I can't leave those girls like that. People have probably abandoned them their entire lives. I can't teach the class but I sure can go up there and end it respectfully.
So on the train I went. I got off at the stop and got lost. I saw a gangsta-looking guy leaning against a mailbox. He was the angriest looking dude I'd ever seen, and I've seen some angry dudes. I walked right up to him and said, "Excuse me, do you know where such and such address is?"
He looked at me like I was CRAZY! Like, how dare she talk to me, no one talks to me. But then all of a sudden, his face softened, he cracked a smile and gave me the directions.
I walked into the class and these young girls looked and acted like they were in their 20's. They were all Latino and African American. They did not trust me at all. They had walls up so high that I thought I'd never get through to them.
Well, my instincts told me to be goofy and goofy I was. I started doing the worm on the floor and within seconds they went from being hardcore women, to the silliest, most vulnerable teenagers I'd ever laid eyes on.
I told them that we were going to have to cancel the class but I wanted to respect them and come up and tell them myself. I wanted them to know that they were important, and that it wasn't because of them that the class was canceled so abruptly; it was because of someone else's lack of professionalism.
I think about how fearless I was that day because I knew what I was doing was right. And how I trusted my instincts and how I was goofy and how even the angriest man in the world helped me. Back then, I had no problem doing such a thing for others but now I'm learning to do it for myself as well. Im learning to show up for myself even when circumstance happen beyond my control. I'm also learning not to internalize other’s bad behavior.
Because really, the more I do it for myself the more I can share it with others. I will add to the peace in the world instead of adding to the chaos. And that is all I have ever wanted to do, and I can now because "I am the master of my fate and I am the captain of my soul."
OK, so I have been owed residuals for a while from a TV show I did. I knew they were way behind so I called AFTRA. I was nervous about the tenacity that this was going to require because my new way of taking care of myself — "showing up and not being a victim" — means lots of calls and lots of uncomfortable feelings but I knew it was the right thing to do.
Well, they put me through to the person who monitors such things. She told that there are all sorts of penalties for late payments as well. I was so excited. Finally, I have learned how to take care of myself and also isn't this why I pay dues to belong to a union to protect me from this?
Anyway, this went on for months. I was great, I followed up, I called, I asked for what I needed and what I thought was right in a calm manner, all the while understanding that things take time and that people are only human and red tape can be a huge hold up. But I trudged on.
Finally, I got an email that my check had arrived. I was like "Yes!!" This whole “taking care of myself” thing does work, it is worth it.
I was so excited about the prospect of this check that I couldn't wait. I had to call to see how much it was for. I mean, with all the penalties and all my hard work I knew it was gonna be huge...
I call and I say "Hi so and so, it's Sue Costello. I'm so excited that my check finally came. Can you tell me how much it's for?" …like we've known each other for years or that she cares.
She says, "Hold on" and comes back on the line and says "Sue, I got good news and I got bad news."
I say, "Lay it on me.” She says, "Well the good news is, I got your check. The bad news is, it's for $20."
All I could do was laugh and my laughter was contagious, she started laughing too. I said, "Well 20 bucks is better than nuthin." And she said, "Yeah it is."
Well, yesterday I called back, I said, "Hi so and so, it's Sue Costello and I spent my 20 bucks, you got anything else for me?"
She laughed so hard and said, "Hold on" and came back and sure enough there were two more checks. She cared. She was happy that she had more moolah for me on account of I was so nice and I made her laugh.
You get more with honey than vinegar and Patience is a virtue and don't shoot the messenger and all that other good stuff is true.
The Alexander Technique is a posture technique that I dabbled in a few years ago. I took a bunch of private sessions until one day, I felt like my insides were on the outside of my body and I quit. I wasn't ready to feel that open and vulnerable in the world.
That being said, I've been doing yoga for years now and am almost back to that point again. It's been a slower process and I'm more comfortable with it. I've been able to control it a little more and get comfortable with it at different stages.
There is a lot of talk about opening the heart in yoga and how your heart should be aligned with your pelvis and I feel like that is such a metaphor for life. The more I open my heart, the more my hips open and the sexier I feel. I also feel more sexy when I have healthy boundaries. I think I should care about the people I share my body with. I think I should care enough about myself as well.
I was thinking as I wrote Alexander Technique that it sounded sexual. It kinda is.
Think about what happens to us when we get old. We literally curl over; we cover our hearts and yoga teaches you to fight that, to keep your heart open. There has been many studies that say that people who live into the 100's do it by continuing to have sex.
I remember after 9/11 I went downtown to help serve food to the firemen. The were all flirting with me. I told my therapist at the time that I couldn't believe that these guys were flirting while they were in so much grief. Her response was, "Yes because sex is life." And I thought, Of course it is, that's how babies are made.
I have gone so deep in my yoga practice that I can feel that there is a knot in my heart. I've been working really hard to loosen that knot. The looser I am, the freer I feel, the sexier I am.
I have less aggression, I have more love to share and it makes me human. We are, after all, the only animals with our hearts on the front of our bodies.
Sexy, loving and respectfully connect with one another. Choose who to share your body and your heart with but by all means share it, or it will curl over and die.
I'm going to give the Alexander Technique a sex position name: it means having sex with your heart and not just dumping your aggression into another human.
I was thinking about how much I sometimes avoid writing on this blog. My new discipline is to write first thing before I do anything else. I was thinking about how much it's a metaphor for life.
Communication is the biggest problem in all relationships. People don't say enough or they say too much. People hear things through the eardrum of their past experience. Facebook has taught me a lot about this. I can post something and people will comment and not even read what I write. They're impulse is to react. I realize that that is why most people don't like to put themselves out there. It's a scary prospect.
Imagine being vulnerable and having someone crazy attack you? It's the same in intimate relationships. Someone once taught me that people need to hear things 3 times because their past clouds their present. I have come to realize this to be true. Most of the time if I don't react and say what I'm trying to say, in a calm voice, 3 times, people eventually hear me. The courage that it takes to trust that I deserve to be heard is like no other. But the benefits are astounding.
I always thought why bother? Why bother trying to talk if no one will listen. I realize that I was coming from a childish place. I wanted people to read my mind. I didn't want to have to exert myself to get what I wanted.
Well welcome to the more mature suecostello.com! I will expose myself on a daily basis and if for some reason you read it the wrong way, I'll try to elaborate; if for some reason we don't connect, it's OK too. Live and let live!! I love that saying, i just never realized I was only doing the second part. In order to live you have to be seen and you have to be seen over and over because most people are thinking about themselves.
When I get scared I try to control things and of course, because I can't ,that makes me get aggressive. And then I push away any joy or love I was after to begin with. They say a control freak can completely control themselves out of a life. I know for me when I try to control things I feel miserable and I look miserable, but when I let go and surrender into my humanity and open my heart, life happens beautifully. In a much more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. This doesn't mean people do what I want: it means I do what I want, which means to just get the hell out of the way of everything. I exert myself then I let go. I feel it all — good, bad and indifferent. The more I feel, the less fear runs my life. I used to spend my whole life trying to avoid feelings. I'm sure everyone can understand the romantic feelings. I was thinking this morning how much my desperate needy feelings come up during this time. I used to be aggressive to overcompensate and, in turn, pushed people away. Or I would do the opposite: completely avoid those feelings altogether. Now I can sit still, witness them, and know that they are old feelings and have nothing to do with how lovable I really am. Then I can show up lovable and attract that which I used to repel. Plus the more you get hurt the less it hurts :)