Fate part 3

So we shoot our scenes and as I'm leaving Laurence gives me  a huge hug and says "Sue don't ever quit, your so talented and authentic they just don't get you yet." I remember walking away feeling great and as if my stomach had dropped out at the same time. All my life I have always had this secret fantasy that someone some day was going to come along and take complete and total care of me. So, every time a situation arises that magnifies the fact that I am the only one who can do it,  I get that feeling.

That was the week that I started to write my show Minus 32 Million Words.  I worked on that show for ten years knowing full well that if I wanted people to see me I was going to have to show myself.

I remember being a teenager and hearing God talk to me, asking me to change and I would say out loud, I'm not doing it God, I know what you want me to do and I'm not strong enough and then I proceeded to drink my face off to squelch what I know was the truth.

Needless to say my whole life has been a bunch of re occuring signs with the same theme. So here it is ten years later and I see that Laurence is staring on Broadway. I make the decision that I want to go and thank him.

My friend and I buy tickets and when we get to the theatre I am so nervous I almost want to run away. The fear and doubt was making me want to go to sleep. I got up the guts to go to the stage manager and ask if I can see Laurence after the show. She is abrasive and mean and yells, "you'll have to go to the stage door after and ask."

Now my shame and fear is telling me "Sue, don't do it, he won't remember you anyway." I watch the show and revel in how amazing he is and talk myself into going to the stage door after.

After the show, I walk to the stage door and there are two big mafioso looking guys with sunglasses on. I ask if I can see Laurence. The ask who I am and tell me to wait. Again, I have to keep myself from running.

He comes back and motions for me to come in. We have to wait in the hallway because he has someone else in the room.

The people leave and he motions for me to come in. Right away, he hugs me and I say " if no one has ever told you that you made a difference in their life, you made a difference in mine."

I look up and he has a tear in his eye. We sit and chat for a while he gives me his cell phone number and asks me if I think he was funny. Imagine Laurence Fishburne asking me? He said he usually plays the darker rolls so it was nice to be able to be funny. And immediately I thought of course he's human he just wants to be seen like the rest of us.

I leave and sleep for 3 days. My friend that was with me said that it was the most authentic moment she had ever seen. And i thought how much more energy it took for me to be generous and direct and reveal myself only because of my fear leading up to it. Otherwise it was invigorating.  And now that i had done it once the next time would be easier.

So i got the news about the role in the Fighter and my first thought was to call him. I waited a til this sat. I left him a message saying the reason i did so well was becuase of that day when i walked in the room and he was sitting in the window sill.

Later that day my friend calls and asks if I want to go to my friend Sean's restaurant in Brooklyn.

We walk in and Dominic Chianese is there. He was in Laurence's movie with me, all of a sudden his phone rings it's Laurence, Dominic tells him that I am there and he says "put her on the phone right now." He is so happy for me  and tells me to tell Christian Bale that he is a huge fan.

How fucking generous. When I saw him on that stage I saw his greatness and I wanted to be like that. He was great because he was being generous with the audience, he was giving himself to them.  That greatness is humility and generosity. Couple that with putting yourself out there and fate can be the only result.

Fate Part 2

So........ I finish the audition and Laurence says "you got the part!"  I literally turn on my heels and run. The Irish Catholic in me said, get out quick before they take it away. But on my way out Imake the assistant pinch me, just to make sure I'm not dreaming. Now, I forgot to mention that I had another appointment scheduled after this one and now I was supposed to be uptown in like 15 minutes.

Okay, so I go downstairs, call my agent and tell him I got the part. He says "but there are no female parts." I respond, "I know, they made me the cop." I hang up and run to get a cab.

Now I'm standing in the street wrestling with two feelings, one being OMFG I'm a movie star and the other one being, get outta here quick before they take it away.

All of a sudden, I hear "SUE!" it's a mans voice and I'm afraid to turn, my first thought was, here it is, they're coming to tell me that they made a mistake.

I turn around and squint through my conjunctivitis and see that it's Laurence and his friend. He  yells "where are you going?" Now I'm thinking OMG he wants to give me a ride, but I have to go uptown and he's a downtown guy, I'm supposed to be at 57th street in like 10 minutes now. But I want the ride so I blurt out "34th street!" He says, "c'mon I'll give you a ride."

Now I'm in the back seat of Laurence Fishburnes car FREAKING OUT. I'm sticking my head against the glass so everybody sees me. And I can't just sit there and be cool, I have to open my mouth again.

He has music playing, it's Brandford Marsalis. I stick my head between the two seats and say "this music is sad but hopeful" I'm laughing at myself as I write this. He turns around, with his sunglasses on and says, "two things happened to day that made me think that my movie is going to be a succes,  this music and you."

At this point I have literally left my body. We pull up to 34th street and I realize that i have to get out. Now, I have about 4 minutes to get to  57th street. I run around the corner, jump in a cab and next thing I know the cab is right beside Laurence's car. I had to lie down in the back seat so he didn't see me; I didn' t want him to think I was Crazy.

The first day on the set, I tell him the story. I say, "I thought you were a downtown guy so I said 34th street but I really had to go to 57th street, and my cab pulled up beside your car so I lied down so you wouldn't think I was crazy." He laughed so hard. He said , "Sue I already thought you were crazy, and I was staying in a hotel on 59th street......

to be continued......................

Fate

I met Laurence Fishburne back in 1998. My sitcom had just gotten canceled and I was kinda stressed. I had conjunctivitis, let's just say that I looked like the cat lady here in NYC.

So, I get a call to meet this casting director. "A general" its called. Usually that means you go and meet the casting person so they can keep you in mind for future rolls. Normally this is done in a fancy office.

I tell a few people that I have to meet this person and they are like "sue she's big time omg, sometimes she makes you wait" but I was so depressed about my show, that  it didn't even really register, plus I wasn't doing anything else.

So, I go downtown and walk up to the building with address that I was given. It's a crickity old building and in my stomach I feel that something is wrong.

I get on the elevator and get off on the designated floor. I walk up to the door and there is a sign that says "Riff Raff Productions." Again, I feel like I"m in the wrong place, but I proceed anyway. Cat eyes and all.

I walk into the waiting area and every single person is black. There is a pause and they all look up at me. Being  the doofus that I am, I blurt out "oh I'm in the wrong place" and turn and run.

I get half way down the hall and realize that I was in the right place and now I have to walk back in, looking like a judgemental racist.

So, I decided the move was, to not say anything  else controversial, that I will just  try to blend in. They are all talking about the film, I have no idea what they are talking about, but don't want to ruffle anymore feathers, so I just go along "oh yeah the film, blah blah"

All of a sudden, this white guy, Billy, comes walking out and says "hi Sue I knew you were coming in." This guy Billy is one of my ex's best friends, and ex that I dumped, so again, I don't want to get into anything deep for fear that he might bring up the break up.

He says, "I'm the second AD on the film" and again I say, "oh the film."  He brings me into his office shows me around, (you would think I would ask one person what the film is, but no)

I go back to the waiting area and another woman comes out and says, Sue we need to take a Polaroid of you. Ok at this point, any normal human being would ask a question, but not me, I just walk up with my cat eyes and let her take my picture.

She exits, and I sit again. Finally she comes out and says Bonnie will see you now, she's in there with Larry but she wants to see you."

I automatically think "Oh Larry must be the head of the agency." I walk into this tiny room and there is Laurence Fishburne sitting on the window sill and the casting director is standing behind the desk.

I immediately think, sue pull it together. I sit down and the casting director is like "this is Sue, she is very funny, and very talented." And again the doofus that I am, with my conjunctivitis, I get cocky, I start telling him how I tried to do some important and socially relevant with my sit com.

We are staring into each others eyes now and the casting director says, Laurence, let's put sue in your movie." I can't contain myself. I blurt out "yeah let's put me in your movie!" Mind you, I still have no idea what the friggin movie is.

He says "there are no female parts." She says "let's make her the cop."  I say yeah let's make me the cop. Now I have completely forgotten about my tv tragedy because now I am going to be a movie star. He says "yeah lets go"  he gets the script, I cold read, 3 times with him, in front of one of the biggest casting directors in Hollywood and.........................

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW........

withhold from me withhold from you

Thurdays night, I walked into a restaurant and one of the waiters came right up to me. I asked if I could sit at the table outside, he told me that I would have to wait for the host. The host came over, the waiter asked, and the host said "sure, the people have just paid their check, you can go stand over them so they will leave. "

Mind you, the waiter was all flirty flirt, telling me he liked my hair blah, blah.

So, I'm outside and my friend is in the bathroom. The waiter comes out and says that the host made a mistake, that there are only open tables in his section.

I know full well what he is doing, but I go along ,becuase the girls at the table I wanted were taking forever.

We sit, the waiter is all flirty, flirty, telling me that he just wants to get all the other people out so we can be alone. I notice he has a wedding ring on.

The little girl at the next table saw my open toe shoes and like my polish,so she playfully tickled my toes.

The waiter walked by and said, "note to self, she likes he toes tickled."

I told my friend that he was brodering on creepy. He was gorgeous btw, so he prob gets away with more than average looking guys.

Anyway, all of a sudden, he says to my friend, "she's a comedian huh?"  Then he looks at me and asks if I'm still boxing. Which at this point makes me want to run for the hills.

He starts in with little tid bits about me that normally only a guy that I dated would know. I ask him how he knows me and he says "i'm not telling ,I like to hold information back when it comes to women."

At that point I knew it was time for the check.  He sensed I was having none of it and tried to recover. He said I know you from 4 years ago I told my friend how cute I thought you were and "you still are, you look great, not  a bit different. When you walked in I remebered that you have a great personality".

You see in the past I might have fallen for that withholding stuff. I might have chased a bit, but now my first instict  is self preservation. What a sick way to try to connect. He liked me 4 years ago and obvioulsy didnt have the guts to talk to me, he jsut looked at me from afar, gathering information, becuase I don't remember him. It made me think of another time, when this guy came up to me and told me that I look pale and in the next breathe asked me if I wanted to go to Miami with him.

I said, "you just insulted me, why would I even want to spend another second with you?" He said, "oh that's how I do it, I tell you that you look pale then you will want to go to Miami with me to get a tan."

I responded "save that for someone with no self -esteem."

It's kills me, they want to be around me, so they think if they withhold and insult me, that  it will bring me closer;but the reality is, it repels me and  they actually  end up witholding from themselves, because they don't get to be around me, which is what they wanted to begin with.

Good News..

Short and sweet, Monday, I got cast to play Christian Bale's girlfriend in the movie "The Fighter."

Need I say more????

minumum effort maximum results

KEEP COMMENTING!! My brain hurts as I think about what that really means, minimum effort maximum results. Because it can mean two things. One meaning is oppressive and the other is empowering.

If we take the path of least resistance all the time, our lives will not only remain small  but they will get smaller. There is no such thing as status qo you are etiher growing or dying that's it.......

The path of least resistance feels like less work but in actuality it creates more work and work that gets you no where. Like the gerble on the wheel going round and round. The definition of insanity is , doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If we do the hard work of healing our insides then the work outside actually becomes seamless. Ah, but something so simple, can be so complicated. There is that age old adage that pain is the touch tone of growth, but how do you know when you are causing yourself more pain or if the pain is just part of the process?  .

We could remain in misery our whole lives thinking that we are growing.

This is how you can tell. If your life starts to improve after each painful experience. If you learn something about yourself, if the insight you gain helps you have more compassion for another human being. Simply if your heart softens instead of hardening.

My yoga instructor and I were talking about how the grace is in the pause last night and how hard it is to pause. One of the most helpful sayings I've ever heard was "when you  don't know what to do, don't do anything."

That is probably harder than working 3 jobs. But in the long run it brings an easiness that makes your world open up. A flow that just happens.

Every single person wants to be free and happy and helpful but sometimes they have no idea how to get there. The impulses take over and sabotage the exact thing that they want.

That's why they say revenge is better served cool. I don't know if I like the word revenge, but there is something to be said about letting your emotions settle to actually see what is really going on. Someone once told me that people need to hear things three times because their past clouds their reality.

I have had that happen many times where the pain of what was going on was so excruciating that I couldn't tolerate it so I acted out, only to find out later ,that I was projecting on to the situation.

I looked up the definition of projection and it was something like a person projects their uncomfortable emotions onto other so they don't have to feel them. i.e. If I don' t like someone I say "I think they hate me."

When in reality I don't like them. But that used to make me feel like a bad person because i felt so bad about myself to begin with so I felt like if I expressed any bad feelings that  would expose how bad i felt inside. I had to pretend that I was loving and that nothing bothered me and you know what that got me? A very small world and an inability to be around people.

But now that I feel better inside I'm OK with having those uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes I get really mad at people, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes I read the situation wrong and have to apologize.

What a way more fulfilling way to go through life. Showing others my humanity so that they can feel safe to show their own.

I want to continue on my journey to becoming more human to feeling more love  I love that the process is progress not perfection. I  want to grow towards not being the reason for my own demise.

What is a healthy level of lust...

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENTS LETS GET THE COVERSATION GOING LOl that is the conversation I had with my friend last night. We were going over the weekend in Boston and I asked he what she thought of this guy that was hanging around me.  Her response was " I"m not a fan, he has an unhealthy level of  lust towards you." I asked, "what is a healthy level?" and she said "I don't really know, but you couldn't even have a normal conversation with him." As soon as she said it, I remembered him asking me if my feet were painted the same color as my hands. I also remember him asking if he could hug me and how in the moment, I thought it was cool that he asked, but after the fact, I realize that he might have hugged just a little too long.

The whole weekend was kinda like that. What happened and what is a healthy level of anything?  It was so intense to show up and no matter what went on I didn't let it throw me and I got the job done.  Now, that I have had a minute to reflect, I see that there were so many moments that could have thrown me.

I went to Boston on Fri stayed in a beautiful hotel, which was great, it made all the difference in my performance. So, that got me to thinking, okay what's a healthy level of need in general. I came to the conclusion that I need a safe place to stay while I am working. I love being around friends and family but I need to take care of myself.

In the past I think I would have thought that that might be a  bit diva ish but what I would have been doing is living in deprivation. There has to be a healthy balance. Which helped me on Sunday when I had to move hotels. I had to do something huge on Monday and needed to sleep well, especially after all the emotions of the weekend.

Nancy my bff and I went to the Copley Plaza on Sunday afternoon to get another friend of mine, a birthday gift. We got the register at Victoria Secrets and she realized she had lost her wallet. She was freaking out. Mind you, the last time I was in Boston doing my one woman show, she lost her wallet as well and I found it. She gets a little anxious.

So knowing full well that I can't let this rattle me, I stay calm. I have her call the hotel. I have her go down to the car and check. I have her call the breakfast place. I stay calm. Then we go down to the car a third time and she found it.

We go to my new hotel I change for my friends birthday party in the North End and my bff drops me off and heads back to NYC.

The party was so nice, it was surprise. Her friends from NYC came up for the day and she cried.

Ok, so then I go back to the hotel and this lonely feeling comes washing over me.I don't want to do anything to sabotage myself so I sit in the window sill  looking out over the Charles River and talk to God. I ask him to be with me because he's really the only one that can pacify me.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it's the girls form NYC that I'm gonna be working with on Monday. We go downstairs to eat and I leave early knowing that I have to take care of myself.

I go back to my room get in my big bed and turn on the T.V and the re play of the Federer Nedal 2008 Wimbledon is on. I watch it and Fed Loses Nedal wins. Nedal falls on the court crying. I thought that's what I'm going to do when I get back to NYC, but for now, I"m going to be Fed, classy and gracious no matter what happens. I thought yeah, their girlfriends and coaches and families can come and support them but when it comes down to it they are the ones on the court, by themselves with their talent (GOD). No human being can make them do anything at that point and as I fell asleep I thought, I have a need, I want greatness, a healthy level of greatness. and if that makes them lust so be it I can handle myself.

Big Risk Big Reward...

When I was a kid, I was pretty fearless. I had an innate sense of what was right and wrong. I was never afraid to stick up for what I believed and I loved the underdog. When I was  teenager, I was at a mall with my Mum and I had my money out. She said "sue put your money away, someone might take it." I was like "Mum, no won't."   I thought, how in the world can she even think that? It was just a strength a solidness that I had. Later, my sister told me that she told my Mum that no one was going to take my money, because she had studied premature babies in school and it said that they are stronger than most. And my Mum's response was "Don't tell Sue that."

That experience didn't take away my strength because no one and nothing can take away what God gave you, but it made me bury it a little. I internalized my strength as something to be a shamed of.  Something that might make my mother unhappy.

As an adult, I found people who didn't want me to have my light. People who were afraid of the light in themselves,I found people to hide behind, I tried to squelch who I was and it made me miserable.

I wanted to take care of you so you could take care of me. I would settle for a dead body sometimes, just so I didn't have to be alone. I somehow wanted others to feel better and have a good life and see their light, but I was really using them to hide my own and the most important underdog "me" got put on the back burner

Finally, I decided, that if I wanted people to see my light I had to be courageous and step out of the dark, even if that meant I had to feel a little lonely.

Well, all I can say right now, is yesterday I became my own underdog, I took a risk that gave a reward beyond my comprehension. I can't talk about it yet, but when I can I will let you know.

For now, know that if you are faced with a situation where you could either take the path of least resistance or the road less traveled; I implore you, go to the road that seems the darkest, because your courage will radiate from inside you and illuminate it.  It's okay to be scared, you can trust me, because I've gone before you, the darker the dark, the lighter the light.