Becoming visible

My friend Josh Lehrer's photos "Becoming Visible" are breathtaking. Eleven cyanotype portraits of members of NY's homeless teenage transgendered community. They are the fastest growing homeless demographic and therefore becoming invisible. Josh is bringing them into the light and personally, I think it's fUcking fantastic!! Robert Miller Gallery 524 West 26th street NYC.

Standing there the other night, on West 26th Street with all the fabulous people. And I mean fabulous! Patrick McMullen taking our pics, I was able to stay in my body and really see what was going on and sometimes it's not so nice and sometimes it's so beautiful it hurts my eyes.

First let me start this off with telling you that Josh came all the way to Boston to see my show. That's the kind of guy he is. We had lunch before I left, some funky fish thing with ginger tea down in the Village. We sat and talked about life and what it meant to put ourselves out there. We talked about the excruciating task of looking at ourselves and asking how much work it takes to stop destructive behavior to be successful and feel the love.

Well his show the other night was him walking the walk. As I stood outside getting some fresh air I was amazed at what I saw. I was talking to these two people and a third approached. The third person said, "I love it! It kinda reminds me of high school yearbook pictures" and immediately the too other people said "Don't say that!" They squelched him immediately. I mean it's art, you can interpret it any way you like. I couldn't help but defend the guy. I said, "Wow, that's pretty cool if you ask me. Here are these young homeless kids that are outcast by mainstream society, and if Josh was able to conjure up a universal, familiar, safe way for someone to view them, that juxtaposition is pretty amazing. Here are kids that society has turned their eyes away from and Josh has presented them in a way that we can see them.”

They all agreed. I was able to give them a different perspective and let the guy express himself. I mean that's what Josh and I were talking about at lunch that day. That's why we do what we do.

Then, a guy told the girl beside me that she was really pretty, then turned and said to another woman, "Hey so and so, I found a girl way prettier that you."

It was awful and so uncomfortable. Here this guy was, trying to become visible by hurting another. He was visible alright — the lady beside me said, "What an asshole."

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are two ways to become visible. The first one is the courageous, brave, and life-giving way. The other is the cowardly, hate-filled, life-taking way, which really only takes away the life of the one doing the hating. Which is ironic because all the hater really wants is love. But we are not children anymore and any attention is not always good attention because you are only hurting yourself.

hiya sugar muffins

Just wanted to drop a note to let everyone know that I'm not going anywhere. In fact I'm just getting started, so put your seatbelts on — it's gonna be a wild ride. The strength I got from doing my show in Boston is like a huge —

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! In my belly!

I'm gonna take that fiah and keep spreading the good word.

Hugs not hate man, but if you do hate, I will not roll over, I'll push you back with love :)

You wanna be around me? Trying to knock me down is not going to work ;) I grew outta that a long time ago. I wrote a show about it, memba?

Peace out homies :)

fo real...

4 the record, my sister went to BC undergrad and BU law. She took out student loans to do so and paid the rest with the $ she made as a waitress at Amrheins. I went to Salem State & UMass for free cause my mom worked in the maintenance dept. I worked at McDonald’s to supplement my other expenses which included paying my rent. So 4 the hatahs make sure you got the story straight b 4 you hate :) K?

The complexity of human beings

I'm back in NYC and I sat by myself today thinking about my trip to Boston. I was thinking about how proud I am of myself for going up there and expressing what I feel. I was thinking about how much I have changed since I moved away and how much that has helped me to see people as humans more than I ever have. That is because I see my own humanity. I see my own fears and doubts but the best thing that I have learned in my life is to sit still with all of these feelings. The end of my show is about controlling my impulses and feeling my feelings and having my bad thoughts but not letting them run my life. To be able to be in my body to see the good while protecting myself from the bad.

My whole experience in Boston was about holding onto myself and not reacting. I heard in a yoga class one time that even a star needs to pull in on itself to pulsate out.

I have never forgotten that. It makes so much sense. I always wrestle with being a loving person and having to see that people can be really mean. But I'm a loving person who had the capacity to be mean. Today I thought about how sometimes people can be mean one second and loving the next and sometimes at the same time.

Most people don't have control over their emotions. I found that when I tell someone kindly that their behavior is hurting me or not acceptable, most of the time they feel bad. Why?Because they can't stop themselves. They are so happy that I didn't tell them to fuck off.

I don't think anyone wants to be alone. I think it's the hardest thing in the world to show yourself, to remove the mask and protect yourself at the same time.

But to me that is intimacy. For a long time I thought I was supposed to make excuses for people. Oh they hurt so they are hurting. It wasn't until I realized that I was hurt that I was able to hold myself responsible and in turn hold others responsible.

Isolation is the number one killer in this country, so to all of you reading this, try to put yourself out there — even if you make a mistake. To risk ridicule is the scariest thing in the world. But I realize that sometimes people don't even mean it. They just had a bad thought and instead of pausing and letting it pass through their heart to feel if it's true, they blurt it out and then they can't take it back.

We all have secrets and we feel that if we ever told anyone, they would hate us, but I have found that the complete opposite is true.

Joy- happy- smiley- shiny and wicked pissa

Just a note to thank Boston for all the LOVE. Who knew? Yes it means the world to me but it is definitely a bonus because it just adds to the joy that I feel performing every night. To all of you out there that might be a little afraid to do something you always wanted to do. Do it! Start now. Do a little, do a lot, do anything — just do something. Do one thing today that is different from anything you have ever done. It will rock your world. Break out of that comfort zone. Take a risk, be gentle and nice and care about yourself. You are worth it!

Jan 29th REALLY?

Ha sawry again... I'm so human... I've been wicked busy producing Minus 32 Million Words. It's been stressful, but also incredibly rewarding. I was sitting here this morning thinking, OMG I have just put this all together. I never thought I could do it. It made me think about how many times I've heard that we are much more powerful than we ever know. I love, love, love having nothing and turning it into something. It's really simple: all you have to do is take good care of yourself, don't feed into the negativity, do as much as you can, rest, and have a little fun. So simple yet so friggin hard. I hope you all can come out and see Minus 32 Million Words at the Boston center for the Arts. Tickets for Minus 32 Million Words in Boston are one sale now!

This is embarrassing...

I somehow think if I write that I am going to get back to blogging, that I will. That guilt will actually make me do it. But alas, no. No excuse, but I'm in Boston working my little tail off to make the run of Minus 32 Million Words a huge success. I swear on my soul that you get more with honey than vinegar. That doesn't mean that people aren't mean and they don't screw up. But I find if you stay above it you can actually fly. I have a dance that I do and I think as penance for not writing in a while I will share it with you. It's called the shake it off dance. You shake your whole body, as hard as you can, flap your arms (to mimic flying) while wiggling your hips and sticking out your tongue. This dance should be done whenever you come across negative energy. I actually have found a way to do it internally while in the presence of yuckiness. But I still do a full-on version when I get home. So everybody tonight, before you go to bed, do a shake-it-off dance and think of me :) I hope everything is spelled right in this post and the grammar is close to correct. I'm typing on a small version of what I am used to. I'm sure if it's not perfect, I will hear from all my favorite grammar police officers!

Ive been a very bad girl...

I have not blogged in a while and I have no excuse. Yes I'm very busy but this should be part of my every day. I should wake up and do it the first thing in the morning and today I pledge to do it every day when I wake up. I'm human and sometimes I get off track but the only way to fix that is to try again, and again and again and again if that's what it takes!