I really thought I could do that. I really thought that if I just squeezed my ass cheeks together, then I could control everything outside of me.  That would actually make for a funny super hero, becasue it definitely doesn't work in real life. The only good that has come out of it, is that I have a nice ass.  Which we heard all about yesterday. Enough of that, anyway, somone once taught me that a control freak eventually controls themselves out of a life.
I did that, I made my life so small because I couldn't tolerate any feelings, which sounds sooooooo crazy as I am writing this.
I am very happy that I have worked hard to release alot of that control and in turn, my life has gotten a lot bigger and I am much more free.
I got a business email this morning that I knew was going to make me have feelings and as I was reading I was thinking OMG in the past this would have crippled me.
I was so sensitive. EVERYTHNG hurt my feelings and I took everything as a personal attack. I also thought I was the center of the universe. I didn't know it at the time, but that much self loathing is really just self centeredness to the extreme.
It's nice to know that I'm just like everyone else. The way I express it might be authentic, but inside way deep inside we are all the same.