Controling the world with my ass cheeks

I really thought I could do that. I really thought that if I just squeezed my ass cheeks together, then I could control everything outside of me.  That would actually make for a funny super hero, becasue it definitely doesn't work in real life. The only good that has come out of it, is that I have a nice ass.  Which we heard all about yesterday. Enough of that, anyway, somone once taught me that a control freak eventually controls themselves out of a life.

I did that, I made my life so small because I couldn't tolerate any feelings, which sounds sooooooo crazy as I am writing this.

I am very happy that I have worked hard to release alot of that control and in turn, my life has gotten a lot bigger and I am much more free.

I got a business email this morning that I knew was going to make me have feelings and as I was reading I was thinking OMG in the past this would have crippled me.

I was so sensitive. EVERYTHNG hurt my feelings and I took everything as a personal attack. I also thought I was the center of the universe. I didn't know it at the time, but that much self loathing is really just self centeredness to the extreme.

It's nice to know that I'm just like everyone else. The way I express it might be authentic, but inside way deep inside we are all the same.

God don't make no junk....

Have you ever really looked at a baby? Why do we love babies so much? Because they are a direct delivery, fresh from God. They are the beginning, they are untouched, unscathed by life and the humans that live there. I have always heard that saying "this wonderful gift called life" and I would think, oh yeah what a gift, because I had so much pain inside. I would think, what is all this for? Is it some sick joke that we were all thrown here to figure it out by ourselves. It's like the blind leading the friggin blind.

But then I I decided to grow up. and open my eyes and take responsibily for my life and realize that, if I am a child of God, who am I to be making shit out of it?

Then I thought about the mind and the body and how growing up they taught us if you think it its a sin, it's real. So I asked myself  "why doesn't that work the other way around? What if i decide that good things can happen?"

It sounds alot easier than it is. To feel that I am worth it in life is sometimes so excruciating that I would rather not do it.

So, I act as if. Someone once told me that if a healthy person gets treated poorly they walk away.  I have decided that I will do that, even if it takes a while for my feelings to catch up.  Even if I don't feel like I deserve more, I will take a different action.

Why? because someone else taught me that if I keep doing the same thing, the same thing will happen.

At first, I would  go really fast and make things happen so I didn't have to feel and that usually ended in more pain.

So now I go slow and take good care. Self preservation can be very lonely, because it reminds me that I am alone in the world and that others are going to do what they do. But i f I lean on God,   and let him guide me and protect what he made, it will lead me back to that child I was when I began.

And  baby needs to be taken care of everyday all the time so I'm have to do it for myself the good news is, I'm not a baby and I have words.

You have a nice ass.........

Ok in honnor of full diclosure I can't begin this post without being honest and revealing the inspiration for it. It's the Bachelorette. Okay, so I watch it.  Part of me watches it to nurture the hopeless roamntic in me and the other part watches it for my brain. I like to find the loop holes. I watch it like a detective to see where I'm being dooped and then there is another part of me that watches it purley, because it turns me on.

Okay, now that we cleared that up, this season there was  a guy who a bit agressive (at least that's how the edited it) and in one scene, he told Jillian that she had  a great ass, while touching her inappropriately.

So, they show that scene last night and the audience is pissed...... The host (what's his face) asked the women if it's ok to tell a girl that she has a nice ass and the hiss.

I'm lying on my bed feeling like my enitre world is being rocked.  I have had many guys tell me that I have a great ass and I've liked it. Mind you they weren't touching me inppropriately against my will while saying it)

See the show makes me think. Now I'm thinking that was so set up the way they worded it. The guy even defended himself, he said they had been dating for a month and mind you, the scene was in private, minus the cameras.

She never said "stop talking to me like that or don't touch me."

I sat there in awe that the audience had no problem with her having sex with three guys in one epidode yet "nice ass was way out of line."

I started to go over in my head the guys that have told me that I had a nice ass. They were sexual but always respectful of me. I remember one time asking a guy to talk dirty to me and he asked "how dirty, cause I can get pretty dirty." Lol I responded, "not too dirty." and he laughed and respected it.

Then, another time, I was dating a guy who  left me a message while I was at spinning class. He said I hope you are spinning your ass off, well not off, cause it's a  great ass."

When I was younger guys would refer to me as the girl with the "best ass in Boston."  But that wasn't all they would say. They liked how funny I was and how smart I was and that I was kind.

I used to stay over the" dirty talk " guys house. He would wake up early to go to work and leave me there, and every morning he would leave his Yankee's cap on  his pillow.  I would wake up, laugh and make his bed every time before I left.   He used to sleep on it made, because he appreciated it so much that he didn't want it to go away.  Also, we were on the phone one night talking about Marianne Williamson and he was like "I can't believe how nice it is to talk to you."

And the spinning guy lived in LA so we talked all the time on the phone and he said "sue I have never had conversations like this."

I have no judgement about people and how many people they sleep with but I do for myself. I need someone to respect me and see me as a person and treat me kindly, oh and think that I'm s sexy mutha fuckah:)

I am perplexed by the twisted views of sexuality in this country. It's seems to me to be all or nothing.Everybody is different . Everybody has a right to tell someone what they like and what they don't like. I think that your sexuality is a God given gift to be used to give back to the world, it is not to be used as a weapon.  Exploration is the key to find out what you like. I'm laughing as i write this remembering a time when I opened the door to one of those guys with my lacy short shorts and tank top on and he devoured me.  I told him after, that it was a bit too much for me that I had seen  it on TV so I tried it. LOL it's just wasn't for me. And guess what?  He laughed and that made him like  me even more:)

So just like I watch the show for my heart, my brain and my hopeless romantic I will continue on my venture to see what I like and don't like, using all of me:) and i ask all of you to do the same give back don't use it as a weapon use it to spread the love:)

quitting 5 miles before the finish line...

I read once that Tony Robbins said, that most people quit five miles before the finish line. I'm not a big Tony Robbins person, but I am a big believer in taking what you like and leave the rest, and I have to say, I identify with that statement. It seems like happiness and success is something that would come easy and feel comfortable. I have found the opposite to be true. I feel like the closer I get to my dreams coming true that the anticipation is so great, I feel like I could go to bed forever.

The pressure right before hand feels unbearable. As I'm writing this it makes me think about what it must feel like when you are giving birth.  I have never had a baby, but I'm guessing that after 9 or 10 months, the fear of the pain would be overshadowed by the need to get the baby out.

But then, while in labor the contactions must be so unbearable that you just want to stop. But there is no stopping, becuase the birth process had begun and there is no turning back.

I feel that way about life and destiny. You cant's stop it, but we can help with the contractions.  It's not until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, do we change. And even then, we have road blocks and obstacles.

I am completely fascinated with the idea of self sabotage. I have experienced it myself and I've been on the receiving end of someone else's.

If I had to describe it in two words, they would be self hatred.  I think that inside a lot of  us feel that we don't deserve even the basic of ours needs to be met.

So, when we get close to manifesting what is in our hearts, our mind gets in the way and takes us down. Because just like when you are pregnant, it 's the time in your life that meeting your basic needs and taking extra care of yourself is essential. For me, it' s the only way to keep myself from acting out over the uncomfortable feelings.

Life is like running a marathon. You need to go slow and steady because if you go really fast out of the gate you will burn yourself out. And even when you go slow you have to deal with the pains of self hated that come up. Just like when you get a pain in your side. You have to breathe through it.

And when you cross the finish line, you begin training for the next one.

silly and sexy.....

Today I bought a hoola hoop that glows in the dark and has flashing lights one it. I I LOVE IT!! It's to help me work on my hip moves for all the dancing that i'm about to put in my show. It's also to for the kid in me. I used to be able to make it move all the way up to my neck and then back down my body to my feet. Then, i could take one foot our and keep it twirling while skiping over it.

It is my mission to get back to that.

As  a kid I did it for fun, as an adult I'm doing it for three things,

1, exercise

2. fun

3. to enhance my sexy:)

That's the difference between being a kid and being an adult. You can still have fun, but instead of it being free floating you can focus it to get maximum results.

I heard that Sinatra song the other day about how you can't be narrow of mind if you are young at heart.

A free spirit needs to soar....

My whole life people have tried to put me in a box. Make me act in a way that makes them feel comfortable. And many times i was a willing volunteer. I squelched myself to make someone feel better about themselves.  I thought in some way that  I would quell their insecurities, but it NEVER worked.

The insecurities are there always and if they are not dealt with they get worse.

The only way I can simply describe it is a drowning person will step in your head to save themselves, but really all that does is kill both people.

It never works because eventually the real you comes out and everybody is disappointed.

So, today I ask you all to go out and let your spirit soar a little. Go out and dance or tell someone a secret about yourself, or give a stranger a hug. Who cares if they think you are weird. Don't hide your spirit so others won't feel bad go out and shine so they can see that it's possible.

I know this sounds like a little thing but it's the first step twoards freedom.

And think about it; if you do one of those little steps everyday, eventually you will be halfway there:)

Sharing is caring...

I just saw a little girl on the street who taught me that "sharing is caring: when she was 3. She is about the cutest kid I've ever seen. I have such fond memories of exchanges that I had with her when she was little.

I used to babysit for her all the time. It was the most awesome feeling to know that it was just me and her and we needed to communicate because there was no one else around to help.

I LOVED her freedom and she LOVED suspended reality. I would play this game with her, that I made up called, broccoli. I would go into her room and yell "OK everybody I'm going to take a nap." Mind you, she was already under the covers hiding. Then, I would lie down and  jump up and yell "what's in my bed? is it a bunch of broccoli? Is it a sack of potatoes? and she would jump out and say no "Costello it' s me silly!'

Then she would say "again" like 15 times.....

Then, one night, when I was putting her to bed, I tried to pull off her turtle neck and she freaked out. I asked her what was wrong and it turned out, her Dad had gotten her turtleneck stuck on her head once and now she had a little phobia.

I told her not to worry because if that turtle neck got stuck, Costello would run into the kitchen and get the scissors and cut it right off.

Through her tears and her hiccups she asked, Costello you'll get the scissors if we need them? Then she lifted her arms and I slid the turtle neck off.

As she was falling asleep, she asked one more question, "Costello, do big girls cry?"  Which brought a tear to my eye.

I thought, God, I've had times when I've been in my apt after wearing a shirt that was too tight and having to lie on the bathroom floor to get it off. And how I wish someone could have comforted me.

I responded "only the cool ones."

Then ,one night we were having dinner and she asked me what a word meant. I don't remember the word, but it was something that was really, really hard to describe. I tried and half way through she circled her fingers around her ears and said, "It's tooooooo confusssssssssssing." lol

Then, the killer was when they were filming me for Last Comic Standing and they asked her if she thought I was funny and she said "no." Everyone laughed and moved on, everyone but her. An hour later she was in the kitchen crying to her Mom.  She said I wasn't funny because, she wanted to say that I was pretty and she didn't know if I could be both.

Jeese she must have been talking to those Hollywood types while I wasn't looking. I sensed another phobia growing.

Sharing is caring only when what you are sharing makes the world and others grow. If you share with the intent to dump it takes away and  there is another word to describe that, but it's toooooooooo confussssssssssssing.

Show Day

I don't have a lot of time today because I'm gearing up for tonight. I'm very excited; my show is growing so much and exactly how I wanted it to, organically. The word of mouth is spreading. I am very happy to have put so much work in to something i belive in. Mind you it NOT even finished yet. I have been working on the end for 3 years.

The beginning took a while too. But the end is the hardest because how do you end something that is jsut beginning?

Also I have to pull the whole show through sum it up wihtout insulting anyones intelligence.

I found putting the show up when it's not perfect has been the hardest thing of all. But really it's the best thing I've ever done. Every time I do it sinks more into my body and sue becomes more of a character than me. I actually have begun to refer to her at "she."

Which is really cool because the show is about letting go but not forgetting.

I am enjoying the process so much even though some days I wish it would just all come out of me.

Slow and steady wins the race. And if I go to fast I don't feel anything and how in the world am i going to ask others to feel if I'm not leading the way.

Walking the walk:)