Roger is the man!!

Federer Amazing Shot at the US Open 2009 semifinal

I cannot watch this guy without crying. He is the epitome of class.

A few years ago, everyone was talking about him, saying he was not human.

Uh? It's quite the contrary, it's his ability to embrace his humanity that makes him so spectacular.

He was not always as good as he is now and he knew it. He knew he needed work so he went after it. He worked on his game and got really good.

There are two tennis analogies that I always remember when I am in the depths of despair, filled with fear, thinking that I am not strong enough to make  it.

The first is when a tennis player had a weakness if the try to go around it, it gets weaker, so they have to go straight at it in order to strengthen it.

The second is something that I heard Billy Jean King when she was describing her plan to play Bobby Riggs.

She initially thought she was going  to go at him aggressively, but once she hit the court, she switched her plan. She decided to make him run and run and run, and eventually he tired himself out.

I apply this to my life constantly, being aggressive = stupidity, it's a sign of a lack of emotional strength. You will always burn yourself out and lose.

Also the ability to be flexible and change your plan under extreme pressure show a looseness that anyone could benefit from.

The night before my second audition for the movie "The Fighter" I sat in my hotel room over looking the Charles River and watched last year's Wimbledon's match between Nadal and Fed.

I lay there thinking, yeah they can have their coaches,their families and their girlfriends in the stands but when it comes  down to it, they are the ones on the court.

They are the ones who have to show up for themselves.

Fed lost, and he handled it with such grace that I took that with me into the audition the next day.

I got the part, but even if I didn't, I would have been proud of myself because I showed up for myself and I would have handled my defeat with the same grace and dignity that Roger did because it's all part of the journey.

If you let the defeats harden you, you get stuck in the past and your not available to show up for the future.

Every time I grow a have a weakness come up that needs to be strengthen and sometimes i  look silly exposing it but the long term gain is so worth a little short term uncomfortableness.

Roger's journey brought him to yesterday, where he was loose enough to he hit a shot between his legs and it was in!!

Who knows, maybe it was pure luck,but the most important part of that whole shot was that he laughed about it.

Because for me, to be that great is not the reward, to be that great and be able to enjoy it and not take yourself so seriously is the true gift!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

no guts no glory

to continue about money... I find it interesting that everything good can be used as a weapon. Sex, love, money, words, God.  The only way it can't be is if it comes from love. And I know alot of people consider themselves loving people,and I can only speak from myself, but  alot of times when I thought I was being "loving" I was really being controlling.

I even think about the point I made in my last post about how I paid people not to beat me. Even that is controlling, or the illusion of control. Because lately I really am starting to believe that everything is and illusion.

Everything but love. LOVE is the only thing that is real and because love it truth if you really dig to get rid of anything that isn't love only the truth will stick.

I'm amazed at how much I have tried to control the outcome of any situation. Weather it be "if I just had money I would feel better" or" if I just had a boyfriend" or "If I just got that job."

LOL in all honesty, all, and I mean all, of my opinions were based on nothing. I literally think I made them up in my head and then pushed them so hard that I usually did get what I wanted, but it wasn't what I needed.

I thought if I was rich, if I was this that, blah blah and, and, and, I had all that all of it, and adulation on top of it. And guess what? I  couldn't feel any of it.

I had to strip away all of it, to get to the root of the problem. Just like an excavator, i dug and dug using different tools along the way, and when i got close to my core i only needed a slight brush.

And like with any treasure, the discovery usually brings money. And I'm ready for it, because it will all be used from a place of love.

$ is an extention of my guts....

Have you ever been around a cheap person? If you have, then you know that it does not feel good.  The level to which you really feel it, depends on how much you are in your body. And of course, how much $ runs your own life. If you are full of fear, then you might hoard your money, if you are insecure and want people to like you, you might spend to much. If you are scared, you might  pay people off so you don't have to set boundaries, by using your words which is how I have operated in the past. I guess its all a lack of boundaries giving too much and withholding. I had a friend who once told me that whenever I'm confused to follow the money.

I bet if everyone really looked at their money habits they would directly correlate with their personal relationships.

I think money needs to be respected, but the only way to have respect for money, is if you have respect for yourself.

Hmmm sounds heavy right. I know. I mean we need money to survive, but where are not supposed to base out survival on it.

Great ,now how do we do that? I'm not professing to be a money expert, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that for me, the closer I get to my authentic self the less the money seems to be an issue.

I am starting to realize my own value and that is manifesting it monetarily And because i know my likes and dilikes I'm not as swayed by keeping up with the jones'. That was all fear based. when i was a kid I wanted one nice thing for Christmas and my mother would buy me 10 shitty things. Now i buy myself one nice thing. The thought that i used to shop every day slays me. I hate shopping now!!! So it' pretty obvious that that wasn't who i was at my core (nature), it was something that I adapted from my nurture.

My whole life I have been terrified of money, so much that i used to pay a business manager 5% of my income just to pay my bills. And even then I banked in Florida while living in nyc!

Talk about neurotic...... the road less traveled says that often times the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have felt if we just faced our fears.

More on this tomorrow... in the meantime I'd love to hear your thoughts about your fear surrounding money....

lonely girl

okay it's Tues and i promisedm but I've been writing the end of minus 32 million words all day so i only got a minute.I was so lonely last night. Whew it was the end of the summer and i felt it. This summer I had a great time. I worked hard and played hard. So last night I let myself just feel it. I took care of myself by going to yoga but i really just let the feeling wash over me. As i was doing that, I was thinking that probably everybody across the country was prob feeling the same way. Energy is a really powerful thing and it was in the air last night. So cool that i can just sit in it because guess what? it passed. today I woke up and had so much energy and the writing just started to pour out of me. So I guess the moral of the story is .. the darker the dark the lighter the light... all you have to do is sit still and feel it!!!

a few sniglets ...

I couldn't resist....I had lots of fun last night but I must say it was weird when my two worlds collided. I went to party in downtown Boston last night and I walked in and this kid yells out uh oh New York City in the house..... Maybe thats what happens after a while... I have always identified myself as being from Boston but 15 years in NYC might do that to you. It's almost half my life... Anyway it was fun and this guy Paul whipped off his watch, handed it to me and busted a move....He was break dancing old school for a good five minutes. Brought my right back to the days of dance factory here in Boston. So I guess you can take the girl outta Boston but you can't take the Boston outta the girl.......

I'm a bad bad girl...

I don't know what happened but I got busy and I haven't been blogging. I miss it and you! Please don't loose faith in me I will be back in the saddle on tues and ready to rip it. In the meantime enjoy the last two days of summer. Tues I will write all about my escapades. One of them including seeing some of the best golfers in the world up close and personal. Not to diminish they're skills but they do have some nice booty's.

bad driver gettin better...

Ah ha, I'm in LA and I've been having a grand old time freshening up my driving skills. I will tell you one thing GAWD do I LOVE to LAUGH. Even if it's at my own expense. Actually let me re phrase that especially if it's at my own expense. I was out with Martin Snow the other night, he's the guy who taught me how to box in NYC. He opened a Trinity here in west Hollywood, so I went to work out then we went out to eat.

When I walked into the gym he started yelling "the mighty Sue Costello is here!" and then immediately started teasing me." Namaste sue, " making fun of the fact that I have practicing yoga instead of boxing for the past couple of years.

When we were done, he asked me to drive, now Martin is like 6"7 200 plus pounds and I'm a shrimpy. We get into the car and I tell him that he is a brave one, because I'm not a great driver. He says, "stop how bad can you be? we are only going up the street."

AHAHHAHAHAHA well didn't he find out. We went to eat and I had a hard time parking, and then while we were eating i got nervous that I left the lights on so I got up and ran. The back lights were not on so I asked him if that meant they were off. He said "yes." Well, when we finished, we walked to the car and the inside light was on, I got nervous and asked him, "is the battery dead?" and he was like "Sue the light wouldn't be on." LOLOLOL

Then he wanted to get frozen yogurt so off we went, I got us lost and turned to late then we had to go around like Chevy chase in vacation. "look kids big ben," Then after the frozen yogurt, I couldn't get the car to start. He checked it for me and said it was fine, then i couldn't get it again lol Finally, I figured it out, I wasn't pushing the brake down far enough.

More on this tomorrow...

I almost forgot for a sec..

that the dark never wins...... But, I am amazed at how strong the pull to the dark can be, in the moment it seems easier and quicker; even less painful,  but in the long run, it turns on you, blinds you, then fills you with fear. This week I had a lot, I mean a lot of dark energy coming my way. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like it takes over and I'm not myself anymore.

When it's coming straight at me It feels so strong, like nothing  I could do could stand up to it. But I breathe and I pause and I check my gut and most of the time if  I sit still when i am the most afraid I find my way out of the darkness.

The answers just come to me. The problem is that it's terrifying to sit still when the fear is the greatest but that is when it is most important. I think about what they tell  you if you ever find yourself drowning becuause the current i s pulling you, they say don't fight it go with it. Or how when drunks fall or get into accidents alot of times they have less injurys becuase their body's are loose.

Be still and know that I am just came into my head as I am writing this.

I'm in Los Angeles for work and I cannot believe how different I feel now than I did back a few years ago.

I have no "people"" I challenge myself to show up and be myself and take risks and find my way out of the hole.

I used to feel like I could collapse when I was faced with a situation that scared me.  Or, I would get someone "my people" to do it for me. Thus only putting a band aid on the fear.

Now I walk through it, I sit still, I pray, i ask for help and  I figure it out and the personal growth that I get from it is far more rewarding than any outside accolade i could get

It's like a wound that gets brought to the surface and heals in the air.