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Hahahaha I left my computer charger in the hotel room so I only got a little battery life till tomorrow. So this might be good: I have to say what I want in a few words. This weekend I went to a movie premiere, saw Lenny Kravitz, and danced for like 5 hours straight. Now tonight, Minus 32 Million Words. Life is good and I’m smiling.
OMG OMG OMG OMG I never knew it ! I was pulled to the dark for sooooooooooo long. I thought i was shit so i went with the shit and I manifested shit!!I let people talk to me however they wanted, I let their needs come before mine, and usually it was shady people trying to get me to conform to their ideas of life. Trying to make me come into the darkness to make them feel better about themselves. I have always been honest, always it's just what's inside of me, I have had friends and boyfriends say to me "we're not all like you Sue" which would cause me to hide in sham e. To push myself down. I would be miserable. I was to scared to stand up for myself and I felt like weirdo, like there was something wrong with me. I just wanted to fit in So i would make myself ugly to fit into the ugly. Well no more !!!! There is a new sheriff in town. You want to hang with me you got to connect on the up and up cause that's the only place I'll be hanging from now on:)
That Pat Benetar song comes to mind as I write this. Where she sings something about how she is afraid to speak up for herself and then she says or maybe I'm afraid of my own strength.I think that is it with me. When I take care of myself it's like a power surge that i didn't know was possible. when I was 18 I was put on a jury. The kid that was on trial was a accused of driving the get away van for a another kid who mugged and old lady. I remember the judge looking me in the eye and saying that my decision had to be beyond a reasonable doubt. Well the cop that testified was so aggressive that I didn't trust him and the DA was a sleezeball. And more importantly, they did not prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt in my head. I was 'Not guilty and the other 11 people were guilty. They were all making their decision based on emiotion. Yes it was sad that the old lady got mugged but this guy wasn't being accused of it. Guess what? I turned that jury around. Their was so much doubt that I couldn't go for guilty. One guy said "what if he does it again? and i said what if he doesn't? what if he never did it to begin with. Reasonable doubt! I believed it with every fiber of my being . I didn't even have to fight them that hard. they knew I was honest and that I wasn't budging and they had no real basis for their guilty verdict. So not guilty he was. I am working really hard to bring that 18 year old girl back but this time i want her to believe that she deserves the same passion and commitment when it comes to her self worth, beyond a reasonable doubt.
Only have a minute, on account of I got a show tonight. But, I just wanted to write a few words about my shitty weekend.I got treated like shit and I was really mad on Sat. I was so mad I thought I was going to freak out. But I didn't and I didn't deny it either. I felt it I kept it inside and talked about it appropriately and By Sunday I felt a little better. And by keeping it inside I don' t mean that I turned it on myself I mean I didn't act out and take myself and everyone around out with it. I channeled it hopefully will use it to propel myself forward. I will tell you that i noticed this little thing that i do that I don't find attractive at all. When I am that mad I get weepy and I caught myself Saturday night when I talking to a few friends. I caught myself and was actually able to articulate it. I said i'm pretending to be weepy because it's more socially acceptable. Girls aren't supposed to get mad. The I growled really loudly, and they all laughed. Dunno about you but I find a chick handling her anger in a healthy way, way more sexy then some weepy shiwshy one trying to pretend that she's not angry. Just sayin:)
Words used to bother me SO much, so much so, that I shut myself down out of fear. Â Lately I've been realizing that people are capable of saying some nasty things, but what does that mean really? NOTHING, absolutely nothing, it's just chatter, just noise, that if you let it, will get in the way of your primary purpose.
Which is to move a head and do something that means something.
I don't mean don't pay attention to people and their feelings.
I have found that if people express real heartfelt honest emotions it's easy to hear but if they are just blabbing hatred because they have nothing better to do with their lives  it's hard to respond to. There is an automatic gut reaction to reject it. Unless you listen to it, then you become just like them.
Who cares really, I mean it's nice when people say that they appreciate my work, but really if I built my life on that it would be built on something that others have power over.
Imagine if someone told you you were aweeome 374 days a year? What would you do on day 365? when they forgot, or were having a bad day or didn't think you were so great that day.
I think the humanity of knowing that you're not the best, or the prettiest or the smartest is where the freedom comes in.
What a relief, now I can get down to the business of getting something done.
Who cares if people don't like you either. That's a price you pay for living in the world. It's  sign that you exist. And obviously are doing something to affect them because otherwise, they wouldn't even bother.
I'm not a baby anymore, as much as I sometimes still wish that the world would adjust so that they would see things the way I see them, the freedom comes when it doesn't matter if the rest of the world sees it.
What matters is that I see it.
If they love you or hate you it doesn't matter because you still have to do the work. You still have to get up everyday and make it happen.
And, it will happen much quicker if you look in instead of out for gratification.
So,, let em talk, let em hate let em love, it's all part of life, just keep your eyes on the prize and don't give into any of it.
Don't let the love take you too high and don't let the hate take you too low.
Be aware protect yourself, and b protecting yourself, i mean let it all roll off your back, don't respond.
Let everyone have their own feeling and you have yours. That is when the true reality is manifested.
Manifest what is inside you, if it's hate it will show and the same goes for love.
So, I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to write about my gratitude. Last week, I walked on stage and I felt fine. I walked off stage and I had a cold. I was sick all week and I'm finally feeling better. There is nothing like feeling better after being sick. Makes me so grateful for my health.Yesterday I went to my firends birthday party and there was a Frank Sinatra cd playing. "New York, New York" I told my friend that we used to sing it at every wedding growing up. We would form a line like the Rockettes and kick and sing. This morning while sitting feeling my gratitude I thought about that. I wanted to move to NYC. I did. I wanted to be on TV and in movies. I am. I wanted to write a show about my life and perform it . I am I wanted an apartment with a view of the water in NYC. I got it. I wanted to feel like myself inside and be able to express it without taking someone else down. I'm doing it!!!
I was standing in line at the grocery store yesterday and there was so much anxiety there. This particular store is always like that. I get the sense that the workers get abused by the management. Also, it's a store on the Upper East side of Manhattan to be exact. Lots of really wealthy people shop there.
I always wonder if that is where the anxiety comes from. You would think that it would be a much calmer place to shop because they don't have to worry about how much they spend on food.
Which has been boggling my mind lately. The fact that food is so expensive is literally killing people in this country. Oh what the hell food in general is killing people.
To little, too much, the chemicals. It's CRAZY to me, because food and water are the 2 things that we need as human beings to survive.
Anyway, I'm in line at the express aisle and this old woman was standing behind me. Her husband came along and screamed at her "you're in the wrong aisle, can't you read?!" and she turned and followed him shaking.
Then there is an old guy in a wheel chair screaming "get me outta here" and of course, all the rich ladies start giving him looks. So, what does his aid do? she leans down and hugs him; which to the naked eye, looks like a nice thing to do.
That aid should have taken him out of the store.
he was the only one with any reason in that God damn place. He just said what we were all thinking, and that aid was hugging him to stifle it .
Because really, what would happen if everyone turned and agreed? If everyone in that store said, " you're right." Get us out of here! Â Life is too short to payt oo much for food and to be abused while doing it.
The the whole fiber of this facade would fall apart, that's what would happen.
the workers couldn't hate the rich people, the rich people couldn't act better than.  We would all have to face the harsh reality of " How the fuck did our world turn into this? and I would like a hug, but a real hug, not one to squeltch me."
But no that's didn't happen because people think that it would be too much to handle to much reality. But the reality is that it would be a lot less painful than what we are already doing. I mean really, if it was working, at least somone would be happy.
Since I know I can't change the world I just turned to the woman behind me who had her hands full and asked if she needed help.
We got to talking and she told me that she needs to stop putting so much pressure on herself, that her husband would survive if he didn't have his banana's in the morning.
Then, she proceeded to tell me about a article that she read where a doctor suggested that you make a to do list everyday and then remove one thing.
It makes sense why not set yourself up to succeed, if you don't list it and you get it done then you feel even better about yourself. And id you don't get around to it you are not disappointed.
Living within our means both monetarily and humanely.
So, few  I have a guy friends who ask  girls out by sending texts, and they girls usually respond with a simple,  "K". Then nothing ever happens. I can't tell where the breakdown in communication is, but I'm thinking the whole texting thing is the major culprit.
It seems like an easier way to communicate without having to have a lot of feelings, but in reality, you have to have more feelings, because things get misinterpreted.
I have found that being direct, authentic, straight forward and honest has been the most exhausting  for me  at first. But in reality, it's just tiring for the short time right after you do it , but it's like a muscle, the more you do it, the stronger it gets.
But, the other way is actually more exhausting, becuase it's like a dull tired, and you never really get anywhere if  you are not direct.
You stay frustrated and wonder why you don't get what you want.
Sometimes I wonder,at least for myself, if I was more comfortable with being in the yearning, always wishing, instead of having.
Which brings me around to my friend, when the girl says" k" is he supposed to follow up?
I'm guessing yes. It takes a lot to put yourself out there, but the results are usually worth it.
I have found that showing up for myself can be exhausting sometimes, but it's the only way that I get what I want.
Ask and you shall receive.
