They say you never get a true reflection of what you look like even when you look in the mirror. I have a line in my show that I repeat many times about how I wish I could get outside myself walk down the street and see what I look like.  Lol I just laughed thinking about when I first started with my most recent therapist. I remember the day she realized that I thought I was ugly and a looser. She waited a while to tell me that I was an interesting study because most of patients come in thinking they are a lot more than they are and she had to work to bring them into reality.  For me, she said she had to help me realize that I was more than I thought I was.  Lol, I keep laughing, because I'm remembering when the head of Fox casting called me while I was in her office. And another time, when Laurence Fishburne called. After I hung up, I went right back to talking about how I looked like a guy and what a loser I was.  As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I hung on to that, there was something safe about believing that. I call it, being addicted to the intensity of a bad feeling. My mom dressed me like a boy and if I ever did even the smallest thing, like leave the cap off the toothpaste, they wouldn't speak to me for days.  As a kid I internalized this. I thought for sure they hated me.  Then, as an adult I experienced the world like that. I was also taught to never be conceited. Which is pretty funny, because the opposite of conceited, is not life threatening self hatred. LOL.  A few days ago I wrote about the girl who used to steal all my boyfriends growing up.  As an adult I had girls say to me";Sue you don't notice how many guys check you out." and I always thought, that was a good thing because I wasn't being conceited. But, guess what? those girls would use it ot their advantage and take the guys. LOL. Also, I would sit in work meetings and guys would say to me, "oh you want to be  respected for the way you think not the way you look?" And I would sit there stunned, thinking of course, why would I build a career on looks when they go away? and I didn't think I looked like anything. Which sounds humble, but really I wasn't living in the world as who I am. Yes, you are not supposed to take what others say about you to tell you who you are, but there is something to be said about being in reality. I always thought if someone treated me poorly it was because they hated me. (childish)  But recently I've been given the honor of having an 89 year old woman in my life. I noticed that every time I did something nice for her, she would be mean to me. So ,one day, I walked into her kitchen and said, "We need to have a talk"I said, "I'm noticing that every time I'm nice to you, your mean to me. I'm a very nice person and I'm not going to stop being nice, so guess what's going to happen?" She said,"I'm going to stop being mean?"  And guess what ?she hasn't done it since. I am still processing all this so I hope I'm being clear. In the past if someone was mean to me, I would stop being nice................I WOULD STOP BEING NICE............. I would walk away instead of taking a risk, taking that little extra step to put myself out there, to see what happens. She is still in my life. It's soooo deep I can't even express it.  And all it took was a few words, a little belief in myself and an understanding that I'm human and I need people in my life as well. I really believe that people like when you set boundaries with them, because obviously they can't stop themselves. So, when you do it for them, they are relieved.  My guess is that they are thinking, thank you, I had no idea why people always left me....lol  OK, so back to this, what do I look like? Sunday I was leaving my building to go pay a bill,  I walked by the doorman and he laughed. I said what are you laughing at? He said you just have this force field around you. Like this box where people just sense not to cross it.  It's a good one though, it's not stand offish at all."   They tell me all the time the nicest person in the building to those guys. It's because i have that force field. OK, so I go to pay my mini storage bill, I walked in and there was the guy behind the desk and a girl at the counter filling out forms. I paid the bill and said "thank you have a nice day." And the girl says something, which caught me off guard, I thought she said "you too," but I wasn't sure. So I said, "excuse me?" And she said,I was just telling him how pretty you are." I walked out in shock, thinking, really?  But, as I'm writing, it's all coming together. It's the insides that dictates what the outsides look like. It's an energy that vibrates and people notice.  I used to think if I told people what I needed it would make everyone go away, but I find the opposite happens.  If I don't tell them I go away. I always wanted to do  joke about playing hard to get. Where someone tells me the way to get a guy is to play the game and all it gets me is in my apartment by myself thinking , oh yeah, I'm showing them." And and,and, they don't hate me; they hate themselves and sometimes a little love, real love, is all they need. ( more about this tomorrow) Since we can never really see what we look like we have to feel it. And what other people think of us is none of our business some of the time but it is important to match the insides up with what's being put out into the world.  That's why keeping that force field flexible is the key to it all. Not too big, not too small, just right sized.......
OK I just got back with lunch with a movie guy...... I got down  to Union Square and I realized I had forgotten my phone. I NEVER forget my phone. I was supposed to meet him at 12:30. I got to the Virgin Record store (our meeting place) and right away this guy starts talking to me and my first thought is yuck I don't want to stand here and get bothered. The guy is trying to sell his poetry cd. He tells me how stylish I am and that I have an amazing body.  I say "thanks" and turn my ipod back up.  I'm waiting and waiting thinking what are the chances of this happening the day I forget my phone? All of a sudden poetry guy comes over again, "excuse me, are you an actress?  yes you are you're from that movie Southie and you're on TV all the time." I say "yes " and then he asks me why I'm hanging out. I tell him I forgot my phone and was supposed to meet someone.  He let me use his. Of course I think see Sue, don't judge everyone, they're not all looking to get something.  I called my voicemail and found out that movie guy was running late.  While I"m standing there the poetry guy says that aint cool he shouldn't be late, no woman should have to wait. I said, "If I lived my life that way I'd never get anywhere." And all of  a sudden, his friend's eyes lit up. He says. "you're so right, that ego will get you everytime, embrace that feminine energy."  The movie guy shows up and we go to lunch, but not before I get River the poetry guys website. I told him I would blog and send him a shout out. Dancehard@nativeweb.net. Oh and I had a blouse on today that moved in a way that showed my stomach, only if I leaned in a certain direction. I was on the train and this lady was like "I like it, I like it!" I thought she meant my ipod. She was referring to my belly button ring. Then I was walking into my building and the doorman said "I like your bellybutton ring." I thought it was hidden, do people really look that close?  Then I got inside and thought River probably saw it too and when I saw the missed call on my phone it hit me, that now River has my number. LOL maybe I've been swindled.
That's the Gandhi quote that a lot of people sign their emails with now a days. But, what does it really mean?  How deep does it go? I find for myself, that the only thing I can control in my life is myself.... I just finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird and I fell in love with Atticus. He tells Jem at one point, "people are entitled to full respect for their opinions, but before I can live with other folks, I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience." I wish I could right a sound that expresses what that makes me feel. That line people are entitled, I used to twist that Gandhi quote to hide my control and co dependency. I wanted "people" to be entitled, I wanted "people" to see what they could do with their lives, I wanted" people" to be able to feel love. I did it under the guise of caring about people, but what I really wanted was,to change the world so that I could feel more comfortable. Well, for anyone out there who has control issues you know where that got me. They say a control freak will control themselves right out of a life. What I find that quote to mean now is, simply, to become human. To kill the ego and reveal myself as I truly am. I.. need to feel love, I.. want to feel entitled. Then and only then, will I be the change I want to see in the world.  There was another line where Atticus says, I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." "Mrs.Dubose won, all 98 ponds of her, she died beholden to nothing and nobody. She was the bravest person I've ever knew." That inspires me beyond belief. I don't know why, I can't explain it but having courage has been something I have aspired to my entire life. I want to try, so many times, for the one time I can win inside.  I have always seen the truth but I felt crazy because people would tell me I was. I wasn't strong enough inside to just be me. But, lately I have been doing yoga and taking such good care of myself; doing my show and it's making me so strong. There is a line in my show now about this guy I dated in LA who dumped me out of no where.( he was going through a really hard time) I had to go back to LA a few weeks later to shoot a TV show. The TV show was shot a block away from his house. When I got there, I prayed the entire time. I just asked God to be with me, to let me hold on to myself, to have the courage to not create drama, (sabotage myself) and just take care of myself. Well, as I sat in the make up chair I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't try to take care of everyone to avoid my feelings, I just sat quietly. At one point a guy came up to me and said "sue Costello?" and I said "yes" he said "I'm so and so, I was one of the camera guys on you sitcom ( i braced myself)  and thank you for treating us with so much respect." :) Then this girl  came up and said "oh your sue Costello, so and so (the bf that moved out on me) talks about you all the time."  I was shocked by both things, but I held on to myself I didn't let my ego get to big or let me get mad, I just prayed and walked on the stage and KILLED.... (Pink was in the audience and her band member told me later,  that she was doing my backwards quotes all week.)  When I was leaving the owner of the club was standing with all the production guys and they all clapped. The club owner said "isn't she great ? she's the best when she trusts her gut." Then later that year I was dating this guy and without getting to graphic, I did something very sexy and he said "sue how do you know how to do that?" and I said "I don't know I just felt it in my gut." and he said "do me a favor? always do what's in your gut."  The point of this whole thing is that it's been and excruciating journey to find my gut, to trust it and to stick to it but as you can see the benefits are beyond comprehension. Its hard sometimes to separate what's my gut and what's my crazy but I find if I just sit still and put a pause between any situation and clean my side of the street only the truth will live. I used to think I needed to get other people to see my truth so then I could feel safe. I'm amazed, I used to cry and manipulate or be angry to try to get people to see me. Are you my mommy? and then they would be like, I thought you were supposed to be the mommy and nothing every got done. Now when I want people to see me I look in my gut and show up as a person. I mean think about it, if you have nothing inside you are see through. Like that song Cellophane Man  from Chicago. Both those guys I mentioned came and went, but both of them treated me with respect eventually. and they both helped to bring something nice into my life, and they taught me something about myself. Isn't that a much more beautiful way to go through life? Even the boyfriend who moved out on me. Instead of breaking my heart, he broke my heart open. My friend told me recently that she loves  how pure I am, that I have a very childlike way about me and the craziest part of that is ... the only way I became childlike was to grow up.
OK last night wasn't as good a sleep as the night before because I had a nightmare about a girl I grew up with that used steal my boyfriends. As I was lying there trying to fall back to sleep I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday about going back to Boston so I could straighten out what was in my head. Let me preface this with saying that up until recently I would have described myself as someone who came from abuse and remained attracted to it especially when it came to men.  I wrote a whole show about trying to come to terms with my past so it didnt' have to become my future. Well, recently I have had the pleasure of going on a little soul searching mission. It started a few months ago when I was in my friends back yard in Boston. There was a guy that I grew up with there who kept telling me that we made out when we were teenagers. I don' t remember, but he kept saying we made out once and you told me that if I didn't want to be your boyfriend than you weren't going to make out with me anymore.  I said, "good at least I had self esteem back then" Then, a few months later I was at a party in Brooklyn and I saw another guy I grew up with. We have mutual friends here in New York and they had been telling me for years that I wouldn't go out with this guy. Again, I didn't remember. So, when I saw him, the first thing he said to me was "Sue remember when I asked you to go to that wedding with me and you said no?" I said, no why did I say no?"  He said, " because I asked you the night before and you said it wasn't enough notice."  Again, I felt wow, I had good self esteem.  Then, recently, I was in contact with an old boyfriend. I went out with him 22 years ago.  I quit drinking 20 years ago and I always joke that most people quit drinking when they loose their family or they go to jail, but I quit drinking because I got put on probation at McDonald's. I was always hung over so I kept getting my head caught in the drive through window. But, the truth is, I quit drinking because I wanted my life to get better. And for 2o years I told the story of being up at Salem State lying on the couch in my McDonald's uniform. (I had to work there because my family didn't help me financially) And, the girl who used to steal my boyfriends ran by. The boyfriend said,"hey so and so you look great have you been working out?"  and I said "what about me?" and he responded "you look like you have been eating a big mac for the past two months."  Those words affected me for twenty years. First of all, because my self esteem was so low that I had to ask, and secondly, because I had a boyfriend who would say something like that to me. Anyway, about a month later I dumped him, we were making out and he tried to have sex with me and I dumped him the next day.  I quit drinking two years later. I saw him a few times after that and felt like he hated me. Because of who I am as a person no matter how someone treats me if I don't respond in a way that matches up with my integrity I need to fix it. So, I felt bad about dumping him so harshly. A couple of years ago he emailed me and I responded and he never emailed back. I was going to apologize. I had it in my head that he was this nice guy who I had been so mean to because I couldn't tolerate niceness. Well, recently his brother got in contact with me and said that they were all going to come to my show in Boston. I remember thinking "really I thought he hated me?" But, I had so much else going on that I didn't really think about it.  So flash forward to the night of my show, before the show, I run by Starbucks and there is a knock on the window. Now I HATE seeing people before my show. Well it's the old BF and his brother and his friends. I run in, say hi, but don't let myself feel to much accept I did think "he doesn't look that good."  I leave and do my show. After the show I come out and they are waiting for me. I say hi tell him that there is a line in the show about him and that I am sorry but he did say the McDonald's comment to me. (remember I am completely vulnerable because I just ripped my guts out in front of every one I grew up with.)  He turned to his brother and said "would I ever say anything like that?" and I melted.  That one move made me forget my gut and go with he is a nice guy that I hurt. Well we started emailing back and forth and I took that as an opportunity to apologize. I remember reading it to my friend on the phone. She was like "Sue you have to be straight forward, do not hide behind jokes." and i did, i sent it and I cried for an hour afterward. He responded with "don't beat yourself up that was a long time ago."  A few emails later he said, "about that McDonald's comment, I'm not saying I said it but if I did I was being sarcastic. I always say the opposite of what I'm thinking. You are as thin now as you were back then."  He also said he thought I dumped him because he attacked me.(when i didn't have sex with him) which of course made me feel bad. OK, so a few weeks later we hang out and have a lot of fun. I was surprised that it was as nice as it was. Anyway, he was driving me to the train and said something harsh that made me go OUCH. But, of course I was like "sue does it need to be said? does it need to be said  now? Does it need to be said by me?" I decided to wait and if it was still bothering me I would bring it up when we were in a more comfortable situation. Because that's how I roll. The next day it was still bothering so I told him and his response was "don't you think you're being too sensitive?"  I said "no," and please don't say that to me. ( my family used to say that to me, they called me Sarah Bernhardt, but it's the loveyness that i have inside that they are all attracted to) ' I said it's weird, we had a really nice time and when I was leaving you said that. He apologized and we moved on.  We continued contact and he asked ALOT of questions like. when I get married do I want a big wedding or a small one?  I remember thinking this is weird, but I answered. He told me that people make fun of him for asking so many questions.  the nest time i saw him he looked as if 10 years had been taken off his life. He looked happy. Anyway, a week later we had another really, really, nice time and the next night he started with the questions. So I told him I was going to get him a radio show because he would be a good interviewer and he responded with "Oh You're being a real fresh pric* tonight" It was said with so much aggression, I had that feeling of OUCH again.  I said, don't talk to me like that. He said I'm sorry I get insecure about the questions and right then I thought, "well if everyone says it to you there must be something to it." Then he said "you were really selfish last night!" (Mind you the "last night" he was talking about was one of the nicest conversions I had ever had in my life.) I thought he's doing it again, being mean after something nice.  So he says he'll figure out what he's doing and we hang up. He then proceeds to not call for a week, punishing me, and then when he finally calls, he tells me he doesn't want to get married or have kids and that I am raw nerve.  The level of aggression was so much I can't even believe I held my composure. I was like Married?? I saw you twice??  I said no.... I asked you not to call me a fresh pric* and you punished me for a week and now your dumping on me that's what is going on here.  Thanks a lot a I really appreciate and hung up. I didn't sleep for two nights. I couldn't wrap my  brain around how someone could be so mean to a person that was nice to him.  Then it hit me...............OMG that 's the feeling I walked around with for 20 years! I thought I had been mean to someone who had been nice to me because I hated myself so much that I couldn't tolerate the goodness. And he did nothing to assuage that feeling. . I realized that it wasn't me, it was him and that he did say that McDonald's comment. Then, I remmebered that he told me that he says the opposite of what he feels, and that he is a raw nerve and that he's sensitive and that he wanted to get married and he is mean to people that are nice to him. And that I dumped him 20 years ago because he was mean to me, and could not be honest about his feelings for me. And that I did dump him because he attacked me, but it was verbally not physically. I mean really, he told me I looked like I had been eating a big mac every day for two months? Who would feel sexy after that? It all started to makes sense, I kept asking him " if I was so mean to you and you hated me, why did you come to my show?"  So, if he called me a fresh pric* and he says the opposite of what he feels and he projects everything that he  is feeling, that who is the fresh pric*? You see when you are a kid you take on the abuse you think it's you. Because how could you live with the fact that the people that are in charge of you are so mean. You wouldn't survive. But as an adult I get to see the truth. No one is in charge of me but me. The wound has healed so it can't get to me. I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.  In yoga they say you need to see the world though the eyes of a child and the body of and adult.  How cool is that? I get to see clearly...... I  am not any one's dumping ground anymore.I am not what people do to me, I am lovey and sensitive and I did not stop being that because of someone else's fear. . FREEDOM.... I know that as adult people aren't perfect, and alot of times they're actions aren't even conscious and that forgiveness is essential; but forgiveness doesn't mean you let people walk all over you. It's a sign of respect to let someone feel their own feelings, and sexy and attractive if you ask me. Remember, don't become your boyfriend's mommy cause then he has to find a girlfriend. You got to stand up to that darkness with light. Instead of stooping down to fear, make people step up to hope.  I wrote a show Called Minus 32 Million Words, because I needed to learn how to use my words so that I was not aggressively withholding my feelings and acting like a child; expecting others to take care of me.  They say communication is essential when it comes to relationships, and that isolation is the number one killer in the country. Imagine walking around life being buried by your own inability to express yourself?  Everybody needs people in their lives, that's why boundaries are so cool, because they are flexible. You can let people in and out of your life, but, sometimes you can't just tell someone not to treat you poorly, you have to show them.  Your actions are so loud I can't hear what you're saying.
 Last night I slept so deep because I had the best massage of my life.  I literally almost couldn't walk after. I was dizzy and happy all at once. I love, love, love to be touched.  I am like a monkey, monkeys die if they are not touched. Anyway, I had the nicest dream.  It was about all these people who had this special ability to fly. The let me in on it. They told me that everyone has the ability but they just don't use it.  All I had to think about it and the next thing I knew I was flying through the sky.  I was thinking about it in yoga today. The teacher was talking about how you need to work on the back of your body as much as your front. The back, he said, represents the past and the front, your future. And I started thinking about how we literally curl forward as we get older. How our past creeps up and takes over us.  I thought about how hard it is to stand up straight and how our hearts on the front of our bodies. It makes sense, you need to be aware of your past and courageous enough to stand up to receive the future. Your back needs to be strong enough to support your front. It all works together to make you a whole person.  I was thinking about how I went back to Boston to do my show. The reason I did it in such a small place was because I was scared. I remembered only bad things coming out of Boston about my sitcom. Who knows though? I could have only focused on that. People could have said nice things as well. So I needed to drum up my courage and go back to prove that what was in my brain wasn't reality. I needed to confront my past so that I can own it, and  fly into the future...... Everybody knows a plane can take off if there is too much baggage.
Dear Sue Costello, When you thanked me after your performance for attending and I told you I was Anne's  husband, my suppressed feeling was to hug you. I found your stripping back the essence of your being a stunning artistic experience, which I have to admit was not comfortable to watch and was even painful, and although had its funny elements, which certainly contributed to its greatness, being funny, for me, was not what it was about......
Dear Sue, I had the priviledge of seeing your amazing show last night! You had me laughing hysterically and crying at the same time; what a journey!! I just wanted to say how inspiring, moving, and hilarious it was!
Hey Sue, The fact is that I was sort of in shock after your show and fear I didn't adequately tell you my reaction. It was more than 'wonderful'-- It was really powerful. Raw. Painful at times. But the overarching thing that got to me was how deeply you revealed yourself. You even LOOKED different in the different segments/time periods. Really an astonishing and moving evening!
was AWESOME! actually don't even know if awesome is a big enough word to describe... i laughed so hard i had to have peed, just a little, and then there were other times couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face if i tried... but have to also admit cutest moment was you not being able to not crack up at "32? i thought you guys ........"
Well, I have to say I woke up very excited this morning. I can't believe how many people are coming out tonight.  And, I can't believe that I can actually feel happy and grateful about it.  Fear and anxiety used to be the only thing I could think of when good things happened in the past. But now, I'm looking forward to getting on that stage tonight and giving my all. One of my friends works with Bruce Springsteen and he posted close up pictures of him on his face book page.  I was blown a way, the guy is 60 something years old and he looks like he puts his heart an soul into every word he utters. My friend told me that there are nights when he thinks to himself , Bruce must be retiring tonight because look at what he's putting out there. And then Bruce gets off stage and says get me a cheeseburger. LOL. It reminds me of when I was learning how to box and my trainer told me that I had to leave everything in the ring. I had to give it my all, no matter what. I apply that to my show biz career and my life. I show up give my all and let go of the results.  The last time I performed my show was in Boston, a month ago, and it was the scariest thing I've ever done. I went home to the people I grew up with and showed them my art. I gave it my all, and believe me, it was not easy. I practically had to perform in a hallway. I heard Leguizamo talk one time about how he started his one man shows and he said he started in a hallway with two people. And really, it's easy to get up in front of strangers on a proper stage? But do I really grow from that? No, I grow from the experiences that cause me the most fear.  I don't deny that I'm afraid, because I learned a long time ago, that if you do that it flattens you. Because if you push down the bad feelings the good ones have to go too. So, now I feel the fear and do it anyway. The result is exhilaration and satisfaction. And isn't that why people watch performers ?They want us to give them all of us, they don't want us to hold back because of fear, that's what they pay for.  So, for all of you coming out tonight, I plan to leave it all in the ring. God, how lucky am I to be able to get on the stage, prance around, express myself an infect others with my pleasure?
Just had to update the day........So, I got the flowers and they are beautiful! And, they were marked wrong, so I got them for much cheaper than they were supposed to be. And,and, and, my little old lady friend who's ususally tight with the compliments just said very softly..."my friend thinks you have a great figure." and i said "oh the one I met?" and she said "obviously." LMAO:)Life is good:)