What's better foundation or facade?

Foundation: 1. The basis or groundwork of anything; the moral foundation of both society and religion.

2. The natural or prepared ground or base on which some structure rests.

3. The lower division of a building or wall or the like, usually masonry and partly or wholly below the surface of the ground.

4. The state of being founded.

Facade:

1. The front of a bulding, esp an imposing and decorative one.

2.  Any side of a building facing a public way or space and finished accordingly.

3. A superficial appearance or illiusion of something.

I was listening to a song yesterday about a guy checking his hair in the mirror and I made me think about how hard it is to turn the mirror on the insides.  Someone once told me that anything not built on a spritual foundation would crumble.  So I started thinking about how we take such better care of our ousides than our insides. And how the more we build up the facade the more the more weight it puts on the foundation, and if the foundation is weak it will all eventually crumble.

I was thinking about intimacy, real intimacy. How so many people are afraid of it; they think it's because they are going to be trapped but the truth is that when you allow someone, that vulnerability causes the facade to crumble whether you like it or not. Into me I see. You can never know what a person is like until you get close. And you can never know what you are like and "made of" if you until you let your facade down and test the foundation.

I mean think about it, if you buy a house or an apartment you really don't know what it will really be like to live there until you move in. Yes ,you can have someone over to do tests and inspections, but until you hunker in you have no idea.

It's the same with people, that 's why comparing our insides with other people's outsides will always leave you feeling less than. Until you get close and see how people really live and  how you will respond, you really can't build your foundation. A facade with a facade will never make a home.

Last night I was out with some guy friends of mine. I told one of them that there skin looked way better since he's been going to yoga. And right away he's was like "what did it look like shit before?" I was like you guys you can't take compliment. And my other friend said "I can, lay it on me I'll sop it up with a piece of bread." I didn't believe him.  He's definitely good looking but I've been with guys like that before who say they like compliments but if you give them too much niceness they're own self hatred will push it away even if it's what they desperately want.  They were like "Sue's badass... she's glowing, as usual, and look at how ripped her stomach is." I used to hate when people called me a Bad ass. I thought it wasn't girly enough. But obviously girly is a state of being, since they noticed my stomach. Then, one of them said "yeah she will get all Boston on you, all street, and the other one said yeah but if you got street with her she'll turn all book on you."  Again I used to get so mad when people would say that to me.  I've had famous movie stars tell me that they are afraid of me. Alec Baldwin told me that he's afraid of my brain and my mouth. And Colin Farrell told me that I scared the shit out of him because I"m pretty, funny and I don't miss a f*ckin trick.  I guess now looking back, it's a compliment. It means , that I'm in touch with all of me when I'm in the world. Lol  And pretty much what they all are saying is how smart I am which is CRAZY because growing up they told me I that I was retarded.

I'm a big fan of guys,  one of the guys from last night is going to teach me how to play chess and I woke up to this from another guy,  "you have no limits, trust in God and be gratefu,l i see god in you, walk in the sun light of the spirit and fuck everything else xxx"

Last night I was reading this spiritual book that this woman in her 60's wrote. She talked about how her generation made the mistake of becoming like men to get ahead. And how she regretted not holding on to her princess warrior. We don't need to become men, we need to remain feminine and soft while strengthening our foundation so that their insecurities and facades don't take over everything and vice versa.  It's ok for guys to be soft too, if they are soft with the right person, it will only strengthen the foundation.

I do find it weird that everyone comments on  me, lol but at least its matching up; what's at my foundation is supporting my facade. Front, sides and my back side booty.

Look but don't stare..

It's called dristy in yoga.... you are supposed to keep your eyes open the whole time, but open, in a soft gaze.  Also, the word vinyasa means to integrate.  Transmutation-change your DNA- your nervous system. That's what I heard when I first started doing yoga. I wasn't conscious of of that fact that I wanted this when I began my yoga practice almost 10 years ago. But, just like life; bring the body and the mind will follow.  There are 3 levels of consciousness, mind, ego, pure intelligence.  I was a big shopper when I started doing yoga. I remember having thoughts at the time about how I was ever going to stop. I wanted to but i couldn't. I had so much stuff that I couldn't possibly wear it all. Growing up and to this day, my mother shops, and returns and shops and returns. Always at mark down places like TJ Max and Marshalls. She was always looking for something, to get over to get something for less, to beat the system. A convoluted was to get what she needed that never worked. I took on that quality in spite of what I wanted inside. I remember being a child and asking a my mother to please just get me one nice thing for Christmas.  She didn't, she got me a bunch of shit. Because it wasn't about what I wanted, it was about what she wanted or more about what she needed so deparately inside that no bargain was ever going to fill.  So, I learned to just give into her. My needs weren't met, so, I figured out  a convoluted way to get them, I became her. But as  mentioned yesterday, those survival techniques turn on you as an adult. When I first made money, I made a lot in very short time. It was so overwhelming. I didn't know how to spend it. I had lived in deprivation for so long. So like a pendulum, everything that swings one way, will swing the other eventually if you put too much pressure on it. My Mom used to tell us that we didn't belong in fancy stores growing up So, as soon as I had money I wanted desperately to show her that we did belong. Also, I was shocked at how the value of buying something nice. It made much more sense than buying ten shitty things, because it lasted and it was way less time consuming, which left me time to be more creative.  I remember sitting in Amhereins, a restaurant in South Boston with my family. I had on a Giorgio Armani sweater. My mother would not stop going on about it, how expensive it was blah blah. So that Christmas,  I bought her an expensive cashmere sweater set. I thought in my "ego" that I was showing her that we did belong. Guess what? she returned it for 10 shitty things. I realize now, that what I was doing was trying to stop her from being jealous, and to get her to agree with my way of thinking to fill that void. Well my first yoga class the teacher said if you practice yoga, eventually you will not have a need for material things. I was like yeah right.  It's crazy if I walk in to a store now, it literally hurts my nervous system. All I can think is; addicted to the intensity of a bad feeling. Danger disguised as safety. It must have hurt back in the day as well. That yoga teacher was right, it worked. But like everything, nothing is black or white.  So, with my mind, I was able to integrate that  part of my shopping was a way of me trying to not be my past. Almost like  a costume, to pretend that I didn't come from where I do. Then there is the good part of buying those nice clothes; I bought things that I liked,  I still have them, they are still beautiful and I don't need a lot.  I still like nice things, but they don't make me who I am. So, essentially I wear my clothes like I wear life, like a lose garment.

Now to my past. I am going back to Boston to work in a couple of weeks and every single person that I've even been near is coming. It's been so interesting to go back in and re work what I thought was. I think ONE person said something bad about my sitcom and it crippled me. I am so excited that I have practiced my yoga and put down the shopping, so that I have had time to be creative.  To take time to see inside myself.  I'm proud that I reached in  and found the courage  to go back and see that it wasn't so bad. It was just how I felt. It's a coward who stays in the fight, but a warrior who looks for the love. And love is the only truth.  I mean they wouldn't be coming if I they didn't want to? Right? They are all coming to support me and in turn, I will tear it up! Just show them love and how much I appreciate them." Bernard Shaw said it best,"make em laugh and slip it in when they are not looking"  One of the girls that I went to high school with was like "we're so excited and we remember you so fondly." And another girl from my neighborhood was like "Sue I remember the jokes you told over the years and they still make me feel good."  God, being part of the gang was so important to me. I wanted to be just like everyone else and for years I wanted everyone to see me.  I was trying to force it on them, and we all know what happens when you force someone, they rebel and shut down even if what you are saying has truth to it. All I had to do was see myself.   Now I do it through my art. I do what is comfortable for me. And in turn, people see it.  Now I am free to go home and be amongst people that are a huge part of shaping who I am. That's what they teach you in yoga. The community should strengthen the individual. And in yoga, we start in child's pose(birth) and end in shavasana. (corpse pose. )  Just like life, a bunch of births and deaths. I'm ready to let go of the Sue who saw the world through the eyes of her wound.  With death comes sadness. In order to let go,  I need to see that  have been experiencing the world for 40 years thinking something that had nothing to do with who was as a person, or how people saw me. But the bright side, the rebirth, that I don't have to live the nest 40 like that. Now that's pure intelligence.

sometimes i just want a hamburger...

While having dinner with my friends on Sat night one of my girlfriends was telling a story about how she is really trying to work on herself and make her life simpler. She was saying that she used to go on dates and do this thing with guys, where she would be so witty that it would trigger competition inside of them to be witty back. She said it was exhausting.  She was saying that she wants to learn how to not do that because she doesn't want competition, she just really wants a hamburger. That is such a simple statement but it's such a complicated journey to get there. Last night, I saw a commercial that said the simpler things get the thinner they get. And I thought wow that makes sense. In our country obesity is killing everyone, even our kids. I thought about how there is such a connection to weight being a result of not expressing ourselves. There is also something to be said about weight being like armor; a way to hide in public. Because think about it, if you are totally without that extra baggage your are vulnerable to people seeing you and being attracted to you.   You would need to be in your body and learn the boundaries it takes to protect yourself which seems exhausting. The weight seems like an unspoken, easier way to tell someone to stay away from you. But, like I said yesterday, its danger disguised as safety. Never mind vanity, I'm speaking purely form a health stand point. But there is also something to be said about what being in shape (i don't mean skinny) does for your sex life.  There are proven facts that sex helps you stay healthy.

I went to the Moma this weekend and while I was there, I just felt what my body felt like while I was there. I was so relaxed just standing there amongst the art. There were exhibits about poop and penis's and castration and sex symbols. Just people letting it all hang out there.  It reminded me of when Christo and Jean Claude put up the gates in Central Park. I didn't get it. I told an artist friend of mine. And she explained to me that I could walk back through them and feel how my body feels. I did and it was amazing. Then I started to want more. I went to Richard Serra exhibit. There were a bunch of mazes. Some were big and towered over me; I felt scared and very small, almost claustrophobic.  Then there were a few that were really small and as I walked through them I felt so big and powerful. This idea of how your body feels amongst certain situations is so intriguing to me. I mean even when it comes to sex. You could be with someone so hot, but if your shut down inside you can't feel it. They say when you are really in love the sex is amazing. Yeah, but it still has to come from inside. This idea that another person makes us complete seems like a nice idea, but for me the danger disguised as safety comes up again. No other person can make you feel anything. It takes your brain and your body to really feel everything. There is something so erotic about being able to feel such feelings even when you are by yourself.  For me that is spirituality. and for me spirituality is your gut. It's what you feel.

It's not black or white, it's not all hamburgers or none. I have a friend who said she wasn't going to have sex with a guy for three months. She's 40. That's weird to me. Also, very withholding. People think if they can do this one thing, it will keep them from being hurt. It's not true, sex or no sex doesn't do alot accept block your pleasure. Why block your own pleasure to protect yourself from someone else?  I mean, there is a thing called sexual anorexia. It's boundaries, that's what helps you hold on to yourself.  And if someone isn't respecting you, you can remove yourself and the sex goes with that. and, if it was good sex then that's even better. That seems way more powerful than dry humping for three months.

I saw a friend of mine the other day who is 9 months pregnant. She said people always touch her belly. I said it's to bad people don't know to ask first. Her immediate  response was "what am I going to say no?" UMMM Yes...  I told her she could kindly say" not right now" or" I've been touched a lot today" or "Im not feeling so well."  She looked shocked and relieved that there was another option.  She literally told me that her belly has dropped and people reached down almost to her private parts to touch her belly. It reminds me of my friends daughter who said "it's my body and I decide what goes on with it." She was six. Her feelings have not buried her alive yet. She knows what it feels like to be in her body. Just like my other friends daughter that used to masturbate in her car seat. So cute.......  They know how to ask for a hamburger.  But, over the years our needs are not met, so we figure out convoluted ways to try to get what we need. Those  things we used to survive worked when we were little, but somewhere along the way they turn on us and they become the reason for our own demise.

Sleep is no escape from self.....

I read this passage from the Greek playwright Aeschylus last night before falling asleep. "He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." It made me think about how much more I used to sleep. I LOVED my bed for years and I took a nap every day. I used to think of it as an escape from my feelings, but it wasn't an escape, it was just a brief relief, but really it wasn't relief because I wasn't living my life to the fullest, I was sleeping.  I think of the way I used to treat my bed as like a coffin or a womb. I can't really tell you which, but they are the same for me when it comes to being a grown woman. A grown woman in a womb might as well be a grave.  And like the quote above says, we are never relived of our pain, our pain is the touch tone for growth but we have to go through it. Because the more we avoid it, the worse it gets. It affects out sleep, our bodies, our heath.  If you look at not dealing with your pain as a form of immaturity, remaining a baby in the womb,  its like you are suffocating yourself. And if you look at it like a grave it's the same. That little box might feel safe but it's just an illusion. Its danger disguised as safety, you're killing the wrong person. Kill the ego, kill the false self so the authentic self can emerge. Yes it takes a while and a little blind faith. But most importantly you have to feel as though you are worth it.YOU ARE WORTH IT! Just because you are born, it's your God given right. No matter how bad you feel about yourself there is someone out there who feels worse.When you give birth you have to push and if you were buried alive wouldn't you dig ferociously to get yourself out. And once you were out and you saw someone else buried alive wouldn't you show them the way?  When they asked Michelangelo how he came up with the sculpture of David he said he didn't, he just chipped away at the marble and David was already inside. He also said that the piece of marble that he used had been discarded because it had a chip in it.   The only way out is through.   Everything we do in life has a circle. The circle of creation and destruction. Day turns into night and then day again. Breathe comes in and goes out. We take our first breath when we  are born and we release our last breathe when we die. I have hope that as long as the breath is going in and out, that the creation destruction can happen at any second you just have to believe that you are worth it!

A lovely day and a geography lesson....

Ok, so , Yesterday was close to a perfect day. I woke up, Bogged and then went to hot yoga. I love it!!!  It makes my body feel so amazing. Who knew such a little body could sweat so much?  There's something about being in that hot room with the sweat pouring out of you, that is so spiritual. In a regular yoga class you sweat, but not like this. It's more freeing to just go, knowing that there's no controlling it. As soon as I walk into the room I let go of everything. I lie on that mat and let it all wash over me. So, that sets up my day. I come home, take a shower and all of a sudden the weather changes and it's sunny and breezy out. I meet my friend for lunch on Madison Avenue. We sit outside and people watch. Then we go for a walk around the reservoir. One of these days I'm going to take a picture and post it. I'm sure I won't be able to capture all of  it's peaceful beauty, but it will give  you an idea.  As we are walking, I remind my friend that I have been looking for a pair of white jeans. I say "lets go look today." And wholah!! we find them . PERFECT!! They are the perfect length and and fit my butt excellently.  After that, I go home again change,(put on my new killer white jeans)  and meet a bunch of other girlfriends for dinner. A few that I haven't seen in a while and a few that I see all the time. They all loved my new haircut. (the guy really did do a good job) One of them was so different, confident and lovely and peaceful and  another one looked so sexy and alive. I asked what's new? and she said" I'm moving to Africa". She dumped her no good boyfriend and is moving to Africa to open a wild life preserve. "She's like Sue you have to come visit." UMM, yeah I do.

I leave the girls, with lots of hugs and love and head off to work. I walk in and the club is packed. For some reason it felt like there were a lot more men than usual in the room. And normally, I try to dress down a little on stage because it just feels more comfortable, but tonight I looked a little more sexy than I like to. My hair was down and had on the white jeans. Then, on top of everything, the guy in front of me was filthy. Filthy in a way that's not necessarily funny but depleting. Meaning, he just sucks the life out of the crowd with  inappropriate filthy un funny words. I'm standing in the back thinking, oh gross, now they are all going to be in that mindset and I have to go up there. Well, I have no choice, I go up and begin. There are two couples in the front row and the guys are hot. I can feel them staring at me in a not so "she's funny" way, but more a more lusting way. It ALWAYS makes me uncomfortable but I chug along. The eventually laugh and and lust together. At one point, I ask what they do for a living. They were firefighters from Florida.  So I say "oh you look more East Coast" which makes the audience scream laughing. Because evidently Florida is on the East Coast. LOL This went on for a good 5 minutes. I was trying to figure out if they were f*cking with me or not and then finally a guy yells out "you mean North East Coast." Yes that's what I meant. LOL. I was like "this isn't even real blonde hair" They LOVED it. Something about my humanity and vulnerability made me not so much this girl  (object)on stage, above everybody, but someone who struggles just like them. It really says something about humanity. They all wanted to help me so badly, they didn't make fun of me. When I walked off stage, there were two girls waiting for me. They were 11 and they were from Georgia. They were like "Sue, OK, everything on the east is the east coast and everything on the west is the west coast." Lol They were like "we just wanted to help you so it doesn't happen again." SO CUTE!  I never would have let that happen years ago. I never would have been that free, so that I could even make a mistake. I would remain an object thinking; sure they only like me if I'm weak. Then I would be mad because people treated me like an object! Crazytown.

As I'm leaving the club, the firefighters and their wives asked if I wanted to go back to their hotel with them.:) I guess lusting and laughing is the perfect combination and the thing that breaks all barriers.  OK, so I get home and my phone rings. It's this guy I used to date. He called just to see how I was, how I was feeling and how my career was going.  Isn't that nice? You can just be going about your life and someone cares to check n on you. He says, "I can tell you've been spending time in Boston because your accent is thicker." I responded "yes I've spending alot of time on the North East Coast a lot lately."

6 minutes and some coffee......

That's how I start my day, well actually it's thoughts, then coffee.... I wake up, meditate for at least 6 minutes, that's the minimum.  Then I get up, have my coffee, which I LOVE. I only have one cup a day. I've heard that maybe it's not good for you, but I've tried to quit many a times and haven't really noticed a difference and I love it so much so I figure why block my pleasure?  That's what that few moments in the morning does for me. It helps me separate the good from the bad and the me from the you. I lie there, breathe and try to not think about anything; and if bad thoughts come up a let them pass. Then,I stretch and get up and put the coffee on.  It's so cool because there was a time in my life when I couldn't get out of bed unless I found something to worry about. I would lie there come up with something bad and then get up. It was like fuel, this anxiety. I would think about it over and over until I was so miserable I couldn't do anything. This is how I lived my whole life, I never knew there was another way. Then I found out that obsession is just a block to feelings. If it stays in your head then it doesn't drop in your heart. If it's not in your heart you are half human, no one can see you and you are literally alone with your thoughts.    Pleasure was taboo in my family.I mean, growing up they taught us, if you think it, it's real. They were mostly referring to bad thoughts. But now I ask myself, why doesn 't that work the other way around? What if I just choose to only listen to the good thoughts? It's makes me feel much better and in turn my body feels better and then, I'm more fun to be around. So, now I choose pleasure.I choose to feel instead of think. that's the beauty of humanity. It's what connects us all. We can't connect through our brains it has to be through our hearts why do you think we are the only animals with our hearts on the fronts of our bodies? So, for today, I implore you all to try to only pay attention to the good thoughts. Even if you can only do it for 6 minutes.

Turned upside down and I didn't even flinch!

Yesterday I was in yoga class and it was packed. I did a headstand in the middle of my mat and while I was up there, the girl behind me was flailing all over the place and I knew she was going to fall. You're not supposed to close your eyes, so I had to just try to relax them and try not to pay too much attention to her. I had to be aware in case she fell on me, but if I closed my eyes, I would ruin my own headstand. Well, she flipped over twice. Her feet landed within inches of my face. I didn't even flinch. AHHHHHHHHHH it felt like a million dollars. It was such a  metaphor for life. That idea of being aware of your surroundings but not letting others flailing take you out of your focus.  I said I would write more about the idea of showing people love yesterday. It's such a complicated subject, but I will try.  I guess it goes back to being truley kind, with no hidden agendas. It's about seeing people's humanity and letting them flail to find their way and protecting yourself from it; but not closing your eyes to them, especially while your life is turned upside down.

Yay! I got this email, I don't just write it, I live it, I swear:)

I've been meaning to be in touch with you. We met on the bus when you were coming toBoston - in April I think, for an audition for the Affleck movie.  How'd that go? I
left for Europe - Italy and France - soon after that and am back now. I was
wondering how life is going for you now.  I so enjoyed our time on the ride....you
are so 'bursting at the seams' with energy and joy and that' s really refreshing! 
Drop a line when you can
 
Cheers