everyone will get zapped..

My phone rang around 7:30pm last night. It was my friend Violet, she was really upset. Violet owns a restaurant in the Meat Packing District and her customer of ten years, dropped dead yesterday. She called wondering what the meaning of life is. I wrestle with that question everyday.  She was uncomfortable with how upset she was. I comforted her and told her that she had every right to be sad. The man  ate in her restaurant 3 to4 times a week for ten years.

As I'm wiring this it's coming to me. That is the meaning of life. To feel your feelings and to not be ashamed of them. To not judge yourself. Sometimes the feelings are excruciating, but if you don't feel them the get repressed and when you repressed the bad feelings the good ones have to go as well.

I was having lunch with her last week when a man walked in and V asked him if he wanted his table. Apparently he sat at the same table all the time and we were sitting in it. He smiled and said "no worries."

He died a week later. Maybe he was telling us something. Maybe he had no more worries maybe he was ready to be zapped.

I think the meaning of life it to grow and feel and love and get angry and heal and do it all over again and again.

I think the meaning of life is to accept that we are all going to get zapped, and the sooner we accept it the sooner we can get to the business of living because it's not until you are not afraid to die that you are truly free to live.

Greedy = Needy

For much of my life I was living in oblivion. I have always been acutely aware of what was happening around me but in order to survive I had to squelch my instincts. It has taken me years to dig myself out of all the confusing survival tactics that I used in or to survive. Notice that I said survive.

Somewhere along the way I made the decision that I didn't just want to survive, I wanted to live.  And in order to do that I need to go through some pain.

I discovered that one of my biggest  weaknesses is, not being able to see the dark in people, including myself. Because I am honest, I thought the whole world was honest. But also, being a good girl is another weakness it's gotten me in a lot of trouble.

This weekend I was sitting in Vineyard Haven with my friend and there was beautiful Buddha hanging outside a store. I said to her, "I just had the impulse to steal that.' Now mind, you I have stolen one thing in my entire life. It was a sweater vest, from Filenes, when I was in high school. I did it because everyone else was doing it. It made me sick to my stomach.

My friend was amazed that

a.) I would say that out loud,and

b) that I am that aware of my impulses.

I guess it 's all the yoga and the therapy. Also being an actress. Anthony Hopkins said we all have it in us the good and the bad.

My theory is that it's a choice. A choice to act on the up and up. But the choice gets clouded by the unconscious. If we do not look deep, we will act out of impulse and create circumstances. Then we will be confused by the circumstances. Saying things like "how did this happen to me? I'm a good person."

I found it lately with negotiations, there have been times lately where it appeared that I was in the weaker position, but because of someone else's greed, I won.

In the past I wouldn't be able to tolerate that somone could do something so low level. But now that I am not unconcious and i know that the temption is always there. ( and mind you it comes from a weakness and fear that there is not enough)

I was able to see that they were trying to take advantage of my weakness and get more  in the deal.

They got more alright, they got more of "how could this happen to me I'm a good person?"

If you asked any of these people if they thought they were living a low life, they would be horrified.

But the truth is in the truth. If you live in the dark your life will be small. Simple as that. It literally caves in on you. And not until you have the guts to dig yourself out, will you be able to escape it.

My point is, the answer to life is not to not make yourself vulnerable because someone might take advantage, (because then they win) the answer to life is to be vulnerable and aware at the same time. Then make the conscious decision to take what you need and lave the rest. Admit that you might want more, then decide that for yourself, for you to live in your skin, you are going to only take what you need. Otherwise you get  a whole lot of "how good this happen to me? I'm a good person."  It's not good or bad, it's authentic.

False Alarm

Jesus H Christ, as my mother used to say. I have this old lady that lives next door to me. I help her out sometimes. We live in a doorman building so sometimes I leave my door unlocked. Well at 3:49 am, I was awaken by her, standing over me screaming, SUUUUUUE SUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I had my ear plugs in, so it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. Then it hit me.. OMG she's having a heart attack that's why she would do something so boundary less as stand over my bed and scream bloody murder at me.

My whole body was shaking as I prepared to hear that she was in distress. When I finally figured out what she was saying it was too late to shake off the fear.

Are you ready for this???? The battery in her fire alarm was beeping.

I got up and went to go downstairs to get a ladder. I realized that I was in my underwear and a tank top. I looked around my room to see if there were a pair of pants to put on. All I could find was a pair of shorts.

Mind you, my nervous system was still operating as if there were and emergency. I had a thought, that I couldn't be prancing around the building in short shorts and no bra. But my next thought was, no one will see me the guy at the door is a hundred.

Well the hundred year old was not at the door, it was a young guy. He was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. I called his name.

And low and behold, he opened them and proceeded to look me up and down. lol at this point I didn't even care. I just wanted to get the god damn battery out.

I got the ladder and removed the battery.

It took me two hours to get back to sleep.

I know I did the right thing, but would it be too much to ask to have the old lady tap me gently on the shoulder to woo me out of my sleep, and save the bloody murder for when she's dying?

the pant less wonder

Ok now I'm back and in full on work mode. Thank God for that break, my eye was beginning to twitch. That used to happen all the time when I had my T.V show. There is so much going on in my life and I needed to relax. I NEVER used to be able to. I can see now how important it is. To rejuvenate.

I spent two days on the cape with my friends at their house on the golf course.

I got there Thurs. I took a train to a cab to a bus and my friend picked me up. It was exhilarating to get myself from NYC to cape cod and then to Martha's Vineyard and back again.

I found being able to travel like that almost as rewarding as the actual vacation.

Thurs evening we went to watch the sunset on the beach. My friend and I walked out onto the sandbar. We were so deep into conversation and watching the sunset that the water rose around us and we almost had to swim back in fully dressed!

Later we drove to Providence town for scallops. I LOVE scallops, and they were delicious.

The next day I wrote for a while, went for a run around the grounds, then we went to the pool.

Early evening we golfed. I hadn't golfed in like 10 years. My friend was shocked at how good I was. I used to golf with my old boyfriend and I could always hit it straight and long.  I was soooo nervous at first, but as soon as  I got up to the tee, it came right back to me.  I think it's even better now because of all the yoga. Everything is better because of the yoga btw.

Then we had a bbq STEAK and potatoes, another one of my favs. Then off for ice cream and the beach.

The next morning they drove me to the boat. I got to Martha's Vineyard 5 hours before my friends were getting there. I planned this. I needed a Sue day.

I got there around 11am. The boat ride was exquisite. I got a sandwich and went to the beach. After a few hours I decided to walk into town. As I'm walking I hear "Sue Costello!" It's Katie McIntyre, joey mac from NKOTB sister. I went to high school with her. She had heard about the movie and was so excited for me. A few minutes later her sister Tricia called to wish me well too.

Then I went back this big lawn and did a little yoga and read. Next thing I knew my friends were there. I went to the house which was amazing! It was on a hill with a porch with a view of the pond and the marina, with acres and acres of grass.

We went and picked up their other friends from NYC and had cheese and fruit on the porch then off to Vineyard Haven. we got coffee and did a little shopping. We went into one store that had a whole display of every product you could imagine. I told my friend Ashley that I was going to test all of them. And I did we laughed so hard.

Then back to the house for a shower and dinner. The house next to theirs had a shower outside. I was going to ask if i could use it. I LOVE outdoor showers maybe  even more than I love scallops. I decided against it.

We cooked dinner then watched the fire works from the porch. I slept with the windows open.

Sunday we woke up had breakfast and went to the beach. When we were leaving on of the guys was supposed to meet us at the entrance to the beach so I didn't put my pants because my bathing suit was wet.

Well needless to say, he was not there when we got there so I was on the side of the road with my t shirt, no top underneath and my bikini bottoms. My friend here in NYC thinks it's the funniest thing that I wear a t shirt and no pants. She has nicknamed me the pant less wonder.

Anyway he finally showed up and we went back to the house for a private yoga session on the porch. AWESOMENESS!!! Then it was back to the boat for me.

The boat ride was gorgeous, and my friends husband picked me up at the boat. We got Thai food and turned in early.

He drove me to South Station the next morning. Not without a cup of Dunkin Doughnuts coffee.

The pant less wonder flew by the seat of her pants and had the time of her life!

New Yawk Citeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I"m back in the city... I had the most awesome time on the cape and the vineyard.

Tonight in yoga the instructor said that he wanted us to go full on into the pose and then if we didn't like it, we could stop but he wanted us  to  make an educated decision; as opposed to just doing it half hearted.

Which is how I'm choosing to live my life lately.

I am beside myself with gratitude for all the people who were so gracious to me up there and tomorrow morning, I will begin to break it all down. But, for now, I want to give a shout out to taking  jump and letting the net catch you.

Carpe Diem

Well I can't figure out how to get onto the full blog so I have to do it on this.seize the day baby!! I am having such a beautiful weekend. I needed it. A few months ago I reconnected with woman that made a HUGE difference in who I have becomeas a person. Many years ago I went through a terrible break up and I was so angry that I wanted to tell everyone and she told told me not to. She said that I needed to act like a woman of dignity and honor. It was the first time anyone had taught me that it I would be doing my self an injustice if I acted in a way that be littled myself. A few weeks ago she invited me to come see her on the cape. I have spent the last two days on Cape Cod with her and her Awesome husband. We watched the sunset and had scallops in Provindence Town last night. Today we went to the pool and then golfed. I hadn't golfed in 15 years and it all came back to me. I hit it straight and long. I asked her if she was surpirsed and she said "no I saw you stand on your head this morning!" Tommorw off to the vinyard for two days why? Because I was invited and I am all about showing up and living out loud today!

i cant blog for some reason

I am on the cape and for some reason my blog is busted. I'm trying this quick press thing. Happy 4th if I don't get it back up!! But keep checking back cause I'm not giving up!!

A sweaty face and a dumb ass

So, yesterday I was waiting for the train at 86th street. I walked down to the platform and this older( fancy) woman was coughing and sneezing and not covering her mouth. I sensed that she had bad energy and moved to a different car door when the train came. Wouldn't you know,  once we were on the train,she still found her way right beside me. And, I was right, she had no spacial awareness and was banging into everyone; no one said a word to her.

At the next stop, this older black guy comes barging on the train with a sweaty face.  Before this, I had noticed a guy sitting, he has a lot of tattoos on his arms and he looked really mean; so mean, that I checked his eye for a teardrop. Which I've been told means the amt of murders committed while incarcerated.

Well sweaty guy walks past him and spit sprays onto his arm. I brace myself, thinking that sweaty face is about to catch a beaten.

Well, I was wrong tattoo guy just wiped it from his arm.  Then, of course, fancy lady sighs so loudly, and moves away from sweaty face. She wanted the whole train to see her disgust.

Then another guy asked him if he wanted his seat. And another woman pulled out a paper towel, a full square of a paper towel; it wasn't even wrinkled. She handed it to sweaty face, all the while averting her eyes.

He asked, "what is this for?" and she motioned to wipe his face. He didn't. I stood there, still thinking, what am I feeling?  This guy is gross, but he's still a human being and is he really doing anything to offend me or hurt me? The answer was no. He was just causing a lot of us to have tons of feelings. Everyone, including sweaty face got off at 42nd street except for me and the tattoo guy. He looked up and asked if I wanted his seat.

So, I was right about the old lady, but wrong about the tattoo guy. At least in that moment. This is what I find to be the biggest struggle. To trust my gut while being open to the possibility that I might be wrong.

Which brings me to my trip home. I am waiting at 14th street and the platform is packed. The proper train etiquette is to wait to the side while people exit the train and then enter. Lot's of people don't like this, (I'm assuming some it it caused by all the feelings provoked) especially the guy standing behind me. He was trying to push me with his body and I stood my ground.

Guess what he did to deal with his feelings of being upset? He pinched my ass. As soon as I felt it, I elbowed him. We walked on the train and he said "lady what's wrong with you?" I said "someone just grabbed my ass."  He had two bags in his hands and replied, ""how could I do that, I have my hands full, and I have a mother and a sister." As he was speaking, he wouldn't look me in the eye, at which point, I knew he was lying.

As I was leaving the train, I told him to keep his hands to himself.  I went to guy in the booth and told him what happened. He asked what the guy looked liked. I responded, "a black guy with a bright orange shirt."

At which point the guy in the booth laughed. I thought he was laughing at me. I held my composure and said "Sir it's not funny when a woman gets groped. He replied "Oh I know, I'm laughing at the fact he is wearing a bright orange shirt. The cops will have no problem finding him." Then it hit me, he had a bunch of perfume in those bags, probably stolen, so when the cops caught him; he'd be in double trouble. HA HA dumb ass.

So the moral of the day is,  I need to trust my gut and not act on impulse. I need to push through the feelings to see what's really going on.

Ignorance is contempt prior to investigation.