flexing is way sexier...

Oh boy, sorry I've been away for a bit.  I got a lot going on. I just booked another movie and I shot my hula hoop video yesterday. Today is Sunday and it's raining so, I may stay in my PJs all day drink coffee and read the New York Times.

But before I do that ,I must write about my latest discovery. Well, I always knew this to be true, but I think I'm finally able to put it into action.

Last night, Iwas talking to this guy about how growing up, we used to bust each others balls and how it felt like love.  Then, when I went to therapy, my therapist told me that lots of people connect through aggression. I had never heard it put that way. It's amazing how a different perspective can help in digging yourself out of your own self inflicted imprisonment.

On that day, I decided that I was not going to live my life that way.

When I first started to look at myself ,I didn' t like what I saw. I didn't like that Iwas sarcastic and mean. I also didn't like that fist fighting was always an option.

When I realized this, I put it all down, but then it was like I became nothing. I was in trouble because I couldn't survive in the world with no skin. So I had to learn a  new way of life.

I slowly learned how to get in touch with my healthy aggression and I learned how to express it in a healthy way.

I simple rule of thumb is; to push back when pushed.

Reflect someone else's behavior back to them.

That doesn't mean if someone is sarcastic and mean, be that back to them.

No, it means push them back with something more sophisticated.

A healthy expression of aggression.

I've worked really hard to untwist it. I used to think that love was hate and hate was love.  So now when people try to pull me down into their aggression to keep me close, but I just step off now. I flex my muscles in my legs and walk away.

I leave them with their own feelings of aggression. But, I leave the door open. If they want to come back and connect with me though love, I will always be available.

Also, I have come to terms with where I come from and I embrace it. It's just that I had to re cycle it a bit, to turn out a different product.

True freedom is becoming a wholly integrated person, muscles and all.

don't have time today...

but tune in tomorrow when i write about flexing instead of fighting...peace

oh to be a kid again..

Friday night I was on the train and there was a woman sitting behind me with her two kids. A boy around 2 and a little girl 4. They were a little rambunctious and I could tell the mother was tired.

I went over and began talking to the little girl so the Mom could focus on the boy.

I was listening to my Ipod and the little girl wanted to listen as well. Her mom was nervous that she was bothering me.

I told her "not at all" and put one of the ear plugs in her ear.

I put on Miley Cyrus'  the climb and she loved it, as do I.  We began singing it at the top of our lungs.

She was smiling and laughing hysterically.  I hadn't noticed her shirt beforehand, but I looked down at that moment and saw that it read HAPPY.

When we were almost to the station, she asked me if I would hold her hand when we were getting off the train. Of course I said yes.

As we were leaving the train, she asked if I would carry her, of course I said yes.

When it was time to part ways she blew me huge kisses and I blew her huge kisses as well.

As I walking away, I stopped for a minute and felt my body. That little exchange brought me so much joy. This little girl helped me to bring out the little girl in me.

In the past, I would have been too embarrassed to sing with her. I would be afraid that people would think I was weird.

Then the ricochet affect would happen.

I would tell her to  "shhh" because of my own inhibitions and fear of what others might think and I would squelch her little girl then she would not act like that again and prob grow up and do the same to her kid.

But that didn't happened and I bet you a dollar that if I had done that, she wouldn't have asked me to carry her and blow kisses to me when i was leaving.

Hence, I would not have had the great feelings inside me.

Interdependance is the key to life....

Jesus that’s a tough one. That’s seems to be the key to happiness. The key to freedom. Accepting my own humanity has been the only relief I ever get. As I continue on my journey down this road called life. I am beginning to realize that the only and I really mean the only, time that I am in emotional pain is when my ego takes over.

I was talking to my friend last night about how fascinated I am that most of life is really created by our thoughts.

I have a band on my arm that says" our lives are what our thoughts create."

I got it in a gift bag from a party I went to at Fred Segal in LA. If that’s not ironic I don’t now what is.

My point is that I hadn’t worn it in a while because I didn’t completely get it. But for some reason lately, it’s sinking in. Maybe it’s because I have more courage now ,to slow down, feel my feelings and witness my thoughts.

I was saying to friend that I cant’ believe how much of what goes on in life is just feelings, and how if they aren’t felt, they manifest on the outside.

She said she had never really thought about it, but now that I mentioned it, yes it makes sense.

Think about people who thrive in chaos.  It’s because they are not feeling their feeling they are dumping them on everyone else.

They think it’s a relief ,but it’s not ,maybe in the first second you feel better, but in reality you are creating your own hell.

As I am writing this it makes me think about the earth. How we have been lazy and just dumped everything wherever we wanted to and now it’s tuning back on us and if we don’t start paying attention, do our part  to come together, the global warming will literally turn us into a huge fire ball.

Controling the world with my ass cheeks

I really thought I could do that. I really thought that if I just squeezed my ass cheeks together, then I could control everything outside of me.  That would actually make for a funny super hero, becasue it definitely doesn't work in real life. The only good that has come out of it, is that I have a nice ass.  Which we heard all about yesterday. Enough of that, anyway, somone once taught me that a control freak eventually controls themselves out of a life.

I did that, I made my life so small because I couldn't tolerate any feelings, which sounds sooooooo crazy as I am writing this.

I am very happy that I have worked hard to release alot of that control and in turn, my life has gotten a lot bigger and I am much more free.

I got a business email this morning that I knew was going to make me have feelings and as I was reading I was thinking OMG in the past this would have crippled me.

I was so sensitive. EVERYTHNG hurt my feelings and I took everything as a personal attack. I also thought I was the center of the universe. I didn't know it at the time, but that much self loathing is really just self centeredness to the extreme.

It's nice to know that I'm just like everyone else. The way I express it might be authentic, but inside way deep inside we are all the same.

God don't make no junk....

Have you ever really looked at a baby? Why do we love babies so much? Because they are a direct delivery, fresh from God. They are the beginning, they are untouched, unscathed by life and the humans that live there. I have always heard that saying "this wonderful gift called life" and I would think, oh yeah what a gift, because I had so much pain inside. I would think, what is all this for? Is it some sick joke that we were all thrown here to figure it out by ourselves. It's like the blind leading the friggin blind.

But then I I decided to grow up. and open my eyes and take responsibily for my life and realize that, if I am a child of God, who am I to be making shit out of it?

Then I thought about the mind and the body and how growing up they taught us if you think it its a sin, it's real. So I asked myself  "why doesn't that work the other way around? What if i decide that good things can happen?"

It sounds alot easier than it is. To feel that I am worth it in life is sometimes so excruciating that I would rather not do it.

So, I act as if. Someone once told me that if a healthy person gets treated poorly they walk away.  I have decided that I will do that, even if it takes a while for my feelings to catch up.  Even if I don't feel like I deserve more, I will take a different action.

Why? because someone else taught me that if I keep doing the same thing, the same thing will happen.

At first, I would  go really fast and make things happen so I didn't have to feel and that usually ended in more pain.

So now I go slow and take good care. Self preservation can be very lonely, because it reminds me that I am alone in the world and that others are going to do what they do. But i f I lean on God,   and let him guide me and protect what he made, it will lead me back to that child I was when I began.

And  baby needs to be taken care of everyday all the time so I'm have to do it for myself the good news is, I'm not a baby and I have words.

You have a nice ass.........

Ok in honnor of full diclosure I can't begin this post without being honest and revealing the inspiration for it. It's the Bachelorette. Okay, so I watch it.  Part of me watches it to nurture the hopeless roamntic in me and the other part watches it for my brain. I like to find the loop holes. I watch it like a detective to see where I'm being dooped and then there is another part of me that watches it purley, because it turns me on.

Okay, now that we cleared that up, this season there was  a guy who a bit agressive (at least that's how the edited it) and in one scene, he told Jillian that she had  a great ass, while touching her inappropriately.

So, they show that scene last night and the audience is pissed...... The host (what's his face) asked the women if it's ok to tell a girl that she has a nice ass and the hiss.

I'm lying on my bed feeling like my enitre world is being rocked.  I have had many guys tell me that I have a great ass and I've liked it. Mind you they weren't touching me inppropriately against my will while saying it)

See the show makes me think. Now I'm thinking that was so set up the way they worded it. The guy even defended himself, he said they had been dating for a month and mind you, the scene was in private, minus the cameras.

She never said "stop talking to me like that or don't touch me."

I sat there in awe that the audience had no problem with her having sex with three guys in one epidode yet "nice ass was way out of line."

I started to go over in my head the guys that have told me that I had a nice ass. They were sexual but always respectful of me. I remember one time asking a guy to talk dirty to me and he asked "how dirty, cause I can get pretty dirty." Lol I responded, "not too dirty." and he laughed and respected it.

Then, another time, I was dating a guy who  left me a message while I was at spinning class. He said I hope you are spinning your ass off, well not off, cause it's a  great ass."

When I was younger guys would refer to me as the girl with the "best ass in Boston."  But that wasn't all they would say. They liked how funny I was and how smart I was and that I was kind.

I used to stay over the" dirty talk " guys house. He would wake up early to go to work and leave me there, and every morning he would leave his Yankee's cap on  his pillow.  I would wake up, laugh and make his bed every time before I left.   He used to sleep on it made, because he appreciated it so much that he didn't want it to go away.  Also, we were on the phone one night talking about Marianne Williamson and he was like "I can't believe how nice it is to talk to you."

And the spinning guy lived in LA so we talked all the time on the phone and he said "sue I have never had conversations like this."

I have no judgement about people and how many people they sleep with but I do for myself. I need someone to respect me and see me as a person and treat me kindly, oh and think that I'm s sexy mutha fuckah:)

I am perplexed by the twisted views of sexuality in this country. It's seems to me to be all or nothing.Everybody is different . Everybody has a right to tell someone what they like and what they don't like. I think that your sexuality is a God given gift to be used to give back to the world, it is not to be used as a weapon.  Exploration is the key to find out what you like. I'm laughing as i write this remembering a time when I opened the door to one of those guys with my lacy short shorts and tank top on and he devoured me.  I told him after, that it was a bit too much for me that I had seen  it on TV so I tried it. LOL it's just wasn't for me. And guess what?  He laughed and that made him like  me even more:)

So just like I watch the show for my heart, my brain and my hopeless romantic I will continue on my venture to see what I like and don't like, using all of me:) and i ask all of you to do the same give back don't use it as a weapon use it to spread the love:)

quitting 5 miles before the finish line...

I read once that Tony Robbins said, that most people quit five miles before the finish line. I'm not a big Tony Robbins person, but I am a big believer in taking what you like and leave the rest, and I have to say, I identify with that statement. It seems like happiness and success is something that would come easy and feel comfortable. I have found the opposite to be true. I feel like the closer I get to my dreams coming true that the anticipation is so great, I feel like I could go to bed forever.

The pressure right before hand feels unbearable. As I'm writing this it makes me think about what it must feel like when you are giving birth.  I have never had a baby, but I'm guessing that after 9 or 10 months, the fear of the pain would be overshadowed by the need to get the baby out.

But then, while in labor the contactions must be so unbearable that you just want to stop. But there is no stopping, becuase the birth process had begun and there is no turning back.

I feel that way about life and destiny. You cant's stop it, but we can help with the contractions.  It's not until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, do we change. And even then, we have road blocks and obstacles.

I am completely fascinated with the idea of self sabotage. I have experienced it myself and I've been on the receiving end of someone else's.

If I had to describe it in two words, they would be self hatred.  I think that inside a lot of  us feel that we don't deserve even the basic of ours needs to be met.

So, when we get close to manifesting what is in our hearts, our mind gets in the way and takes us down. Because just like when you are pregnant, it 's the time in your life that meeting your basic needs and taking extra care of yourself is essential. For me, it' s the only way to keep myself from acting out over the uncomfortable feelings.

Life is like running a marathon. You need to go slow and steady because if you go really fast out of the gate you will burn yourself out. And even when you go slow you have to deal with the pains of self hated that come up. Just like when you get a pain in your side. You have to breathe through it.

And when you cross the finish line, you begin training for the next one.