putting myself out there part 2

I just got the nicest message on facebook. I know lots of people are afraid of it, but I've re connected with so many people. It's proven to be the opposite for me. I have had made so many connections with people from the past. Most of them have helped me realize that even though I felt so bad inside growing up, it wasn't necessarily how people experienced me. I always thought I never meant anything to anyone and I'm finding out that it's the complete opposite. Even old boyfriends I would have told you that they all left me and could car less but I'm finding out that the opposite is true with them as well. And you know what? I'm able to feel it now. I am worth it people should miss me cause I put myself out there and I really, really do care and I have a tremendous capacity for forgiveness. I have decided that experience is the meaning of life. Sharing authentic moments with people is the most rewarding thing I can do. And also it's great for my self esteem because it helps me realize that what's in my head isn't always what's real but the only way I can find that out is if I put myself out there.

putting yourself out there without a net..

In February I put together a story telling event called Hope Trumps Fear. I hosted it and started the show off with a story about how I found out who I am through a tremendous amount of hard work. I think the line that got the biggest laugh was "being authentic is exhausting." I didn't mean it to be funny. I really, really meant it. I used to stand on stage at comedy clubs doing my "act" and my insides would literally be pushing to come out.

It was the craziest feeling. I would be on stage getting huge laughs and my insides would be saying I don't want to do this I want to just talk.

My whole stand up career I've been different. The first time I was on stage at my comedy class the teacher was amazed at my honesty.

But then it was as if my past just repeated itself through my show biz career. Others told me not to talk about certain things and that I should have more Jokes.

I listened and the result was my standing on a stage wrestling with myself.

I have had more people ask me why I haven't done a half hour for comedy Central.

Last year I tried. I put together a half hour and the executives came out to see me.

They're response was "Sue is hilarious, but we don't know what to do with her energy."

Ha hahahahaha that was the first time I hear it, and believed and was kinda proud of it.

I used to try to put myself in a box so that I could fit in.

I thought I was weird, or "too much" that's what my Dad told me.

More on this tomorrow................

i would...

Be kind.... that's what I would do if wasn't afraid.  The thing that brings me the most joy in life is remaining kind under all circumstances. And yes it's for other people, but it's also for myself. I find it a true test of love to be able to remain open and kind no matter how mean others can be.

That does not mean that I allow people to be nasty or unkind to me; it means that I try to use my courage to stand up to their nasty with gentleness. And sometimes gentleness can be mean being firm.

The only time I find myself not acting with a generous spirit is when I am scared. And the fear is that I will not have the courage to hold on to myself. That I will give in to the darkness.

By either shutting down completely, or acting out. When I have the courage to shwo up, and treat myself with kindness, it usually dictates how others treat me.

Sometimes I have to pause and wait for the emotions to die down, but then I show up and I continue the conversation. I show people that the light can win. I show them that they have kindness in them as well, because if they didn't, they wouldn't respond to mine.

I would continue to have the courage  to show my own kindness in order for others to see  theirs.

That is what I would do if I wasn't afraid.

what would you do if you weren't afraid?

comments please............

Roger is the man!!

Federer Amazing Shot at the US Open 2009 semifinal

I cannot watch this guy without crying. He is the epitome of class.

A few years ago, everyone was talking about him, saying he was not human.

Uh? It's quite the contrary, it's his ability to embrace his humanity that makes him so spectacular.

He was not always as good as he is now and he knew it. He knew he needed work so he went after it. He worked on his game and got really good.

There are two tennis analogies that I always remember when I am in the depths of despair, filled with fear, thinking that I am not strong enough to make  it.

The first is when a tennis player had a weakness if the try to go around it, it gets weaker, so they have to go straight at it in order to strengthen it.

The second is something that I heard Billy Jean King when she was describing her plan to play Bobby Riggs.

She initially thought she was going  to go at him aggressively, but once she hit the court, she switched her plan. She decided to make him run and run and run, and eventually he tired himself out.

I apply this to my life constantly, being aggressive = stupidity, it's a sign of a lack of emotional strength. You will always burn yourself out and lose.

Also the ability to be flexible and change your plan under extreme pressure show a looseness that anyone could benefit from.

The night before my second audition for the movie "The Fighter" I sat in my hotel room over looking the Charles River and watched last year's Wimbledon's match between Nadal and Fed.

I lay there thinking, yeah they can have their coaches,their families and their girlfriends in the stands but when it comes  down to it, they are the ones on the court.

They are the ones who have to show up for themselves.

Fed lost, and he handled it with such grace that I took that with me into the audition the next day.

I got the part, but even if I didn't, I would have been proud of myself because I showed up for myself and I would have handled my defeat with the same grace and dignity that Roger did because it's all part of the journey.

If you let the defeats harden you, you get stuck in the past and your not available to show up for the future.

Every time I grow a have a weakness come up that needs to be strengthen and sometimes i  look silly exposing it but the long term gain is so worth a little short term uncomfortableness.

Roger's journey brought him to yesterday, where he was loose enough to he hit a shot between his legs and it was in!!

Who knows, maybe it was pure luck,but the most important part of that whole shot was that he laughed about it.

Because for me, to be that great is not the reward, to be that great and be able to enjoy it and not take yourself so seriously is the true gift!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

no guts no glory

to continue about money... I find it interesting that everything good can be used as a weapon. Sex, love, money, words, God.  The only way it can't be is if it comes from love. And I know alot of people consider themselves loving people,and I can only speak from myself, but  alot of times when I thought I was being "loving" I was really being controlling.

I even think about the point I made in my last post about how I paid people not to beat me. Even that is controlling, or the illusion of control. Because lately I really am starting to believe that everything is and illusion.

Everything but love. LOVE is the only thing that is real and because love it truth if you really dig to get rid of anything that isn't love only the truth will stick.

I'm amazed at how much I have tried to control the outcome of any situation. Weather it be "if I just had money I would feel better" or" if I just had a boyfriend" or "If I just got that job."

LOL in all honesty, all, and I mean all, of my opinions were based on nothing. I literally think I made them up in my head and then pushed them so hard that I usually did get what I wanted, but it wasn't what I needed.

I thought if I was rich, if I was this that, blah blah and, and, and, I had all that all of it, and adulation on top of it. And guess what? I  couldn't feel any of it.

I had to strip away all of it, to get to the root of the problem. Just like an excavator, i dug and dug using different tools along the way, and when i got close to my core i only needed a slight brush.

And like with any treasure, the discovery usually brings money. And I'm ready for it, because it will all be used from a place of love.

$ is an extention of my guts....

Have you ever been around a cheap person? If you have, then you know that it does not feel good.  The level to which you really feel it, depends on how much you are in your body. And of course, how much $ runs your own life. If you are full of fear, then you might hoard your money, if you are insecure and want people to like you, you might spend to much. If you are scared, you might  pay people off so you don't have to set boundaries, by using your words which is how I have operated in the past. I guess its all a lack of boundaries giving too much and withholding. I had a friend who once told me that whenever I'm confused to follow the money.

I bet if everyone really looked at their money habits they would directly correlate with their personal relationships.

I think money needs to be respected, but the only way to have respect for money, is if you have respect for yourself.

Hmmm sounds heavy right. I know. I mean we need money to survive, but where are not supposed to base out survival on it.

Great ,now how do we do that? I'm not professing to be a money expert, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that for me, the closer I get to my authentic self the less the money seems to be an issue.

I am starting to realize my own value and that is manifesting it monetarily And because i know my likes and dilikes I'm not as swayed by keeping up with the jones'. That was all fear based. when i was a kid I wanted one nice thing for Christmas and my mother would buy me 10 shitty things. Now i buy myself one nice thing. The thought that i used to shop every day slays me. I hate shopping now!!! So it' pretty obvious that that wasn't who i was at my core (nature), it was something that I adapted from my nurture.

My whole life I have been terrified of money, so much that i used to pay a business manager 5% of my income just to pay my bills. And even then I banked in Florida while living in nyc!

Talk about neurotic...... the road less traveled says that often times the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have felt if we just faced our fears.

More on this tomorrow... in the meantime I'd love to hear your thoughts about your fear surrounding money....

lonely girl

okay it's Tues and i promisedm but I've been writing the end of minus 32 million words all day so i only got a minute.I was so lonely last night. Whew it was the end of the summer and i felt it. This summer I had a great time. I worked hard and played hard. So last night I let myself just feel it. I took care of myself by going to yoga but i really just let the feeling wash over me. As i was doing that, I was thinking that probably everybody across the country was prob feeling the same way. Energy is a really powerful thing and it was in the air last night. So cool that i can just sit in it because guess what? it passed. today I woke up and had so much energy and the writing just started to pour out of me. So I guess the moral of the story is .. the darker the dark the lighter the light... all you have to do is sit still and feel it!!!