it's just noise

Words used to bother me SO much, so much so, that I shut myself down out of fear.  Lately I've been realizing that people are capable of saying some nasty things, but what does that mean really? NOTHING, absolutely nothing, it's just chatter, just noise, that if you let it, will get in the way of your primary purpose.

Which is to move a head and do something that means something.

I don't mean don't pay attention to people and their feelings.

I have found that if people express real heartfelt honest emotions it's easy to hear but if they are just blabbing hatred because they have nothing better to do with their lives  it's hard to respond to. There is an automatic gut reaction to reject it. Unless you listen to it, then you become just like them.

Who cares really, I mean it's nice when people say that they appreciate my work, but really if I built my life on that it would be built on something that others have power over.

Imagine if someone told you you were aweeome 374 days a year? What would you do on day 365? when they forgot, or were having a bad day or didn't think you were so great that day.

I think the humanity of knowing that you're not the best, or the prettiest or the smartest is where the freedom comes in.

What a relief, now I can get down to the business of getting something done.

Who cares if people don't like you either. That's a price you pay for living in the world. It's  sign that you exist. And obviously are doing something to affect them because otherwise, they wouldn't even bother.

I'm not a baby anymore, as much as I sometimes still wish that the world would adjust so that they would see things the way I see them, the freedom comes when it doesn't matter if the rest of the world sees it.

What matters is that I see it.

If they love you or hate you it doesn't matter because you still have to do the work. You still have to get up everyday and make it happen.

And, it will happen much quicker if you look in instead of out for gratification.

So,, let em talk, let em hate let em love, it's all part of life, just keep your eyes on the prize and don't give into any of it.

Don't let the love take you too high and don't let the hate take you too low.

Be aware protect yourself, and b protecting yourself, i mean let it all roll off your back, don't respond.

Let everyone have their own feeling and you have yours. That is when the true reality is manifested.

Manifest what is inside you, if it's hate it will show and the same goes for love.

show night

So, I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to write about my gratitude. Last week, I walked on stage and I felt fine. I walked off stage and I had a cold. I was sick all week and I'm finally feeling better. There is nothing like feeling better after being sick. Makes me so grateful for my health.Yesterday I went to my firends birthday party and there was a Frank Sinatra cd playing. "New York, New York" I told my friend that we used to sing it at every wedding growing up. We would form a line like the Rockettes and kick and sing. This morning while sitting feeling my gratitude I thought about that. I wanted to move to NYC. I did. I wanted to be on TV and in movies. I am. I wanted to write a show about my life and perform it . I am I wanted an apartment with a view of the water in NYC. I got it. I wanted to feel like myself inside and be able to express it without taking someone else down. I'm doing it!!!

to do lists...

I was standing in line at the grocery store yesterday and there was so much anxiety there. This particular store is always like that. I get the sense that the workers get abused by the management. Also, it's a store on the Upper East side of Manhattan to be exact. Lots of really wealthy people shop there.

I always wonder if that is where the anxiety comes from. You would think that it would be a much calmer place to shop because they don't have to worry about how much they spend on food.

Which has been boggling my mind lately. The fact that food is so expensive is literally killing people in this country. Oh what the hell food in general is killing people.

To little, too much, the chemicals. It's CRAZY to me, because food and water are the 2 things that we need as human beings to survive.

Anyway, I'm in line at the express aisle and this old woman was standing behind me. Her husband came along and screamed at her "you're in the wrong aisle, can't you read?!" and she turned and followed him shaking.

Then there is an old guy in a wheel chair screaming "get me outta here" and of course, all the rich ladies start giving him looks. So, what does his aid do? she leans down and hugs him; which to the naked eye, looks like a nice thing to do.

That aid should have taken him out of the store.

he was the only one with any reason in that God damn place. He just said what we were all thinking, and that aid was hugging him to stifle it .

Because really, what would happen if everyone turned and agreed? If everyone in that store said, " you're right." Get us out of here!  Life is too short to payt oo much for food and to be abused while doing it.

The the whole fiber of this facade would fall apart, that's what would happen.

the workers couldn't hate the rich people, the rich people couldn't act better than.  We would all have to face the harsh reality of " How the fuck did our world turn into this? and I would like a hug, but a real hug, not one to squeltch me."

But no that's didn't happen because people think that it would be too much to handle to much reality. But the reality is that it would be a lot less painful than what we are already doing. I mean really, if it was working, at least somone would be happy.

Since I know I can't change the world I just turned to the woman behind me who had her hands full and asked if she needed help.

We got to talking and she told me that she needs to stop putting so much pressure on herself, that her husband would survive if he didn't have his banana's in the morning.

Then, she proceeded to tell me about a article that she read where a doctor suggested that you make a to do list everyday and then remove one thing.

It makes sense why not set yourself up to succeed, if you don't list it and you get it done then you feel even better about yourself. And id you don't get around to it you are not disappointed.

Living within our means both monetarily and humanely.

loss for words.

So, few  I have a guy friends who ask  girls out by sending texts, and they girls usually respond with a simple,  "K". Then nothing ever happens. I can't tell where the breakdown in communication is, but I'm thinking the whole texting thing is the major culprit.

It seems like an easier way to communicate without having to have a lot of feelings, but in reality, you have to have more feelings, because things get misinterpreted.

I have found that being direct, authentic, straight forward and honest has been the most exhausting  for me  at first. But in reality, it's just tiring for the short time right after you do it , but it's like a muscle, the more you do it, the stronger it gets.

But, the other way is actually more exhausting, becuase it's like a dull tired, and you never really get anywhere if  you are not direct.

You stay frustrated and wonder why you don't get what you want.

Sometimes I wonder,at least for myself, if I was more comfortable with being in the yearning, always wishing, instead of having.

Which brings me around to my friend, when the girl says" k" is he supposed to follow up?

I'm guessing yes. It takes a lot to put yourself out there, but the results are usually worth it.

I have found that showing up for myself can be exhausting sometimes, but it's the only way that I get what I want.

Ask and you shall receive.

At a loss for words....

I have been out of a research mission. I am absolutely fascinated with what's happening to our world and the English language. And by that, I don't just mean the words themselves, but the lack of connection that comes with a text response like "k" or an email that's only half read.

I read a study recently that this scientist did on kids brains and it said that kids now a days, are not developing empathy.

WHAT?? Like the world isn't on bad enough shape. The study found that because of cell phones, computers and text messaging, the brain is not forming the pause that it takes to care about another human being.

Where in the past, two kids would be playing and when an uncomfortable moment arose, one of them would reach in and pull out some sort of compassion for the situation and come up with something meaningful to say to fill the space. Now they just rely on the phone or the computer.

The computer was supposed to bridge the gap not widen it.

Take a minute today to notice how many personal conversations you have. Also, notice how many texts and emails you write and how many words you shorten.

Think about what  how many feelings you would have to have if you actually spoke to these people.

More onthis tomorrow.

I lost my belt, she lost her husband....

I've been traveling a lot lately and last week, I went looking for a belt that I bought years ago, for like $10, that I later saw at Fred Segal for $150. I couldn't find the belt, and I was so mad, but I let it go. I mean really, it's only a belt and if I'm going to travel and be out in the world, these things are going to happen.

Last night I was talking to a woman who told me that 3 months ago she lost her husband in a motorcycle accident. The two of them had just gotten married a few months before and were going on weekend getaway when the motorcycle they were on, crashed.

She broke a few ribs and a collar bone and he was brain dead.

She had to pull the plug on him.

As I sat with her, I stayed in my body, I said to myself,  "Sue, be present for this woman. Listen to her, don't try to fix her." She is a human being who just went through something so incomprehensible, that to pretend that I have the answers, would be insulting and a block to just being there.

As we sat there, she talked about how she didn't want to live anymore, but she didn't believe in suicide, so she was going to choose life.

She said "Sue, I don't want this to make me bitter."

My eyes filled with tears and I told it was OK to be mad and to be depressed and to do whatever she needed to, and that her joy would come back but I think in order for that to happen, she needed to go through it.

I don't know, I just wanted to sit with her. To listen to her, to look in her eyes and have a moment. to acknowledge a human being who just went through something so beyond me that all I had to share with her was my humanity and my own powerlessness.

That was the connection, not that I had answers, not that I had reasons for why things happen, not to talk.  The connection was to sit there and look into her eyes and feel that we have no control.

When I walked away from her ,I went to the bathroom and cried really hard.

Then I went to work and made people laugh.

Because life goes on, but it's not life unless you are sharing it with people.

When I got home, I looked at the place where my belt used to be and thought that women probably went home and looked at her bed ,to the spot where her husband used to be.

I couldn't believe that  I was so tight about a thing, that because I traveled I lost it, what's my alternative to stay home with all my stuff and not live?

Here was this woman who lost a person, because they were out in the world and here she was, back out in the world, talking with me, having a moment, all the while saying that she didn't want to become bitter.

People are way more important than things, and experiencing another human being through your own, is what makes and keeps us alive until we are gone forever.

But even then, we leave a little piece of ourselves, not through our stuff, but through the experience that the living can carry around in their hearts.

Give it to me slowly..

It has taken me forever to learn that but I'm getting it and loving it all at the same time. Actually I think slowly=pleasure in all aspects of my life. When I go fast with anything I'm not respecting my own humanity and when I don't respect my own I don't respect others.

To plow (, excuse the pun) through anything can pretty much guarantee that it will end badly.

The tortoise won the race yet it's hard to live it.

Going fast seems a way to avoid feelings but in actuality it makes me have many more and ussually they are way worse.

Which brings me to a line from the book The Road Less Traveled that changed my life. It says that often time the neurosis we create to avoid pain is often 10 times greater than the pain we would have to feel if we just went through it.

I know I've written about this before but , the more I live the more I see how important that line is.

To care that much about myself to go slow and let my feelings come up and go so that I can act in reality is about the most amazing thing ever.

There is no money in the world that could make me feel the way i feel when I handle my self with dingity and respect. Which in turn makes me treat others the same.

It comes full circle.

Road Less Traveled... 15.95

Therapy............. a bunch of money.

Me, who was socialized through abuse, having the ability to give and receive love...PRICELESS

My show

I am so grateful to all the people who have seen my show far. Last night, before I went on stage, I thought about how awesome it is that so many people have come to support me. The journey has been long and sometimes so hard, both emotionally and physically, but I am able to feel the joy as well .Last night before I hit the stage I thought about how lucky I was to be able to go on for an hour and a half and say and do what I want. So many performers out there would love to have such a vehicle. In the past I would have seen it so differently. I would have been worried that more people didn't come. Or why did I have to do it all by myself? But now I'm so proud that I'm doing it all by myself because I'm the only one who can do it. I'm completely in charge of myself, always. No one is coming to save me so I've saved myself. It feels so gratifying to be doing something with my life that means something.