…but we are terrified of it. Last night, I was talking to this tough guy from the boogie down Bronx. He was talking about how he wanted to find love, but couldn't, so I shared with him how I've been humbled by my life and how that humility lets the shine comes out so that people are attracted to us. And how through accepting my own humanity I was able to see myself and in turn see others. He said, “I want to skip over all the hard parts and just have it.” And I told him that it was the hard parts that made me soft and going too fast will ensure failure because it's a form of self hatred. I told him that I never made it happen — it happened to me. I had no control over it. The only thing I did have control over was that I never quit and instead of all these things breaking my heart, I let them break my heart open. Now I love how soft I am and in turn it allows others to soften so everybody wins. His face lit up. He said, "Sue, if what you are saying is true then I can do it. You gave me hope and I’m proud to know you." All I did was share my own humanity with him and he chose in that moment to let it happen to him and he softened, lit up and let the love in. And then he made me feel like a million bucks by telling me that he was proud to know me — such a simple thing, yet it made me feel so good. Only love is real, fear is an illusion that we create to deflect the perfection that is our fallible humanity. It is up to us to do the growing. No one can do it for us, but it's not until we put it into action and share it with others that we see ourselves reflected back.
When I was 18 years old I served on a jury in Boston. The person on trial was a young black kid who was being tried for accessory to a crime. The kid who actually committed the crime had already been tried and sentenced. He mugged an old lady and stole her purse. The kid on my trial was being accused of driving the getaway car. Even as I write this, 20 years later, I think to myself, What mugger plans that well, to have a getaway car?
Anyway, before the trial started, the judge looked me in the eye and asked if would be able to make a decision that was beyond a reasonable doubt if I found him guilty and if not, I had to acquit. I answered, "Yes" and I meant it. I am a big believer in the value of my word.
As the trial started, I sat there listening and watching. The DA didn't seem trustworthy (but that wasn't a fact). They brought the old lady in and I felt bad for her (but that wasn't a fact, and the guy who mugged her had already been tried and I wasn't supposed to consider that into my decision). "Beyond a reasonable doubt," I kept telling myself. The cop that took the stand came across as aggressive and racist (but that was not a fact.)
The kid took the stand and his alibi was that he was helping his sister move to Boston College when his friend flagged him down. I thought, His sister goes to college, he's a nice brother (but that was emotional, not a fact). And I'll even go as far as to say I'm a sucker for people — I always see the good (but again, not a fact).
It was up to the DA to prove that this kid was only in that spot to pick up the mugger and he needed to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.
He did not do that.
We sat in the deliberating room and it was 11 to 1: 11 guilty and 1 not guilty. I was the not guilty. They were going to sequester us. The last thing in the world I wanted to do at 18 was get stuck in a hotel with a bunch of old people, especially old people who would be pissed at me because I was the reason that they didn't get to go home to see their families. But I was willing to do it because I gave the judge my word.
They argued with me. They brought up the old lady and I had compassion. Some of them were racist, and it pulled on my own racism, but, again, I kept going back to the facts. It was not proven beyond a reasonable doubt. All the rest was just noise.
They said, "Sue, what if he does it again?" And I argued back, “What if you charge an innocent boy with a crime that he didn't commit? A black kid growing up in Boston who was helping his sister move to Boston College? What if one of your family members were caught in the wrong place at the wrong time? Wouldn't you want the jury to know they were right beyond a reasonable doubt before sentencing?” I argued emotions because I believed the facts.
I also believe in humanity and the consequence that quick judgement can have on a human life which, in turn, affects our society.
I turned that jury around by the end of the day: the vote was 12 to 0.
I was thinking the other day, How did I do that? And it hit me — because there was no doubt in my mind about what was right. All the other chatter was emotions but the facts were the facts.
I have no attachment to the Boston Fire Department. I don't even live in Boston but I am moved to speak up for what I believe and that what's right is right.
The Boston Fire Department and the City of Boston could not reach a labor agreement and both parties agreed to go to arbitration. The arbitrator voted in favor of the fire fighters. In any legal matter this judgement would be binding. Boston needs the legislative branch to approve the budget so the city is using emotions to turn the people against the BFD and in turn the people are calling the city council men in a rage. The city councilmen want to be re-elected.
All I'm saying is what's fair is fair. It has nothing to do with anything but the facts and I still believe that someone’s word is everything. Both sides agreed to accept the arbitrator’s decision. The city can appeal, they can play ball on the up and up. All this lowball oppressive stuff is only going to hurt everyone.
I also believe that the damage that not respecting the word or the arbitrator will affect society as a whole. If those firemen feel like nothing is right and fair then they will become more and more angry and disheartened. This will cause more drug and alcohol problems and eventually more lives will be lost. The most important being the hope of those guys who climb the ladders to save people will be crushed. This is both emotional and fact. I'm not afraid to say what I believe. You know why? Because I believe it beyond a reasonable doubt.
I have heard for years that only love is real and I thought I believed it but I'm starting to realize that believing is just the beginning. It's when that belief becomes an action that your thoughts manifest it in your life. I believe it works the other way too. I mean if we are all connected on a negative level why aren't we connected on a positive level as well? This is a simple story, but I think that love is simple. Sunday, I went to a brand new yoga place. The class was at 9:45 am. I got there about 9:42 and the gate was down. There was one lone girl sitting on the bench with her yoga mat. I sat beside her and she said, "I don't think anyone is coming and my friend is meeting me here. Do you know of any other yoga places?" Then her friend showed up with such a look of discouragement on her face. She said, "On no, I really wanted to start my day with yoga." I responded, "Sit, let’s wait. I think the teacher is just late." Then I proceeded to distract them with a little small talk and low and behold the teacher showed up! We had a great class and as we were leaving the girl said to me, "Sue, thank you for being so positive, we wouldn't be here if you weren't." I responded, "Thank you for being open to it or I would be here by myself."
OK, so I went to Boston last month to do my show Minus 32 Million Words and before I went, I had the thought, How am I going to hold onto my sexy? I've spent many years working on my body and myself. I am amazed at how much repression I grew up with. How much I thought feeling sexy was a shameful thing. Also, how for a long time I thought "hot" meant aggressive. It took me years to unwind it all. I had to dig out all the feelings that I had repressed. I mean, I had to change my entire nervous system. I remember being in therapy during a really stressful time. I was having horrible problems with my building. There was also a hot guy in the picture at the time. I remember the subject of sex came up and I said to my therapist, I can't have sex with him now, I might get evicted. Her response was, "Seems like no better time."
At first I thought she was crazy. How could I have pleasure while I had this thing going on that made me feel like a bad person? (I was internalizing my apt problems.)
Well, years later I realized that outside circumstances do not dictate whether or not I feel like a good person. How I handle them does.
I realize now what she was trying to say. She wasn't necessarily saying go have sex with this guy. She was just trying to help me see my hang ups.
It's not the sex that I have that makes me feel better; it's how I handle myself when I want to have sex that does.
So this all worked in theory, but I was about to go back to the place where the repression began. It was time to see if I could put this all into action.
I found a black and white photo of a Parisian Lingerie ad. It was just a woman's butt with lacy boy shorts draped over it. I bought it and had it framed. The guy behind the counter was so happy when I went back to pick it up. Obviously he liked my choice.
So off to Boston I go and as my friend and I are unloading the car she pulls out the picture and shows it to the doormen and the vallet.
For the next three weeks that picture sat on the mantle of my hotel room as my inspiration.
As I spent time in Boston I saw lots of guys, many that I had dated in the past or at least flirted with. One was a Boston Police officer. I saw him outside of a wake. He came up and rubbed my arms up and down and told me how great I looked.
Sounds innocent enough, but the rubbing up and down did strike me.
Then as I was standing inside the wake, another guy that I knew from growing up came up to me as said "God Sue, you look so hot,” and then proceeded to say something really sexual and without boundaries. So I left.
As I was walking back into the hotel one of the guys at the door mentioned my picture, and I said to him, “I think I figured out what it is with some of the Boston guys: it's like they are so repressed sexually that it comes out as deviant." He responded, "You're hanging around with the wrong guys."
I thought about this the whole time that I was in Boston. I thought about how we had been taught to shut off the part of us that was given to us naturally.
Then I starting thinking that since I had the info, I was the responsible one. I should share it, but not through words because that would look like judgment. I can't tell people what's going on; it's way more generous to show them. I thought I should share it through action.
So the day before I left, I took that picture down from my mantle, signed it to the boys at the hotel and brought it down to them to put in their break room.
Needless to say THEY LOVED IT!
The next day, while moving my stuff out, the same guy who said I was hanging around with the wrong guys said, "Sue, that picture changed me as a person."
Every single guy from that hotel picked up one of my bags and put it in the car for me.
The one who said that the picture changed him looked genuinely sad that I was leaving — so much so that he kinda hid in the corner.
I yelled to him “Don't be sad," and he came over, took his hat off, leaned into the car and kissed my cheek :)
I was on the train this morning on my way to jury duty and it got stuck in a tunnel for 20 minutes. There was a cute little kid sitting beside me. When the train stopped I turned and said, "Uh oh" and immediately I saw terror go across his face. I said, "Ooh did I make you nervous, I'm sorry, there is nothing to worry about." His face softened and he asked, "Then why are we stopped?" I said, “The conductor just said that there is congestion ahead…” (I repeated it because I knew he heard it but didn't understand) “…which means that there are trains ahead of us, and we have to wait for them to move before we can move." He softened a little and asked, "How long?" I said, "I dunno but probably not long." He completely softened and said "OK." I don't know what it was about that tiny exchange but it really moved me. I've been practicing yoga for about 10 years now and I'm always amazed at how you can always go deeper in your practice. The philosophy being, you do the vinyasa so that you can calm your body down to meditate, to be present.
I feel like it's working. Instead of being worried about being late to jury duty I made sure I was sitting and breathing very deeply, and because I was in my body I was acutely aware that I had scared the little boy and was immediately able to calm him down. His little "OK" let me know that I had respected him and acknowledged him as a person.
I was so afraid of how rough I was growing up that I somehow thought that if I moved and pretended, then I could be someone else. I let go of my suit of armor and there was a jelly fish underneath.
I was so filled with fear and I had no ability to function without my old ways.
But just like they say, the unhealthy things you use to survive usually turn on you as and adult. So they had to go. Offering someone out, which is how we asked someone to fight growing up, didn't work in the rest of the world.
Lately, I have really been having some deep revelations about myself.
I am remembering things that people have said to me over the years and how I always took them as bad, instead of good. I had so much shame inside about who I was authentically, that that is how I saw the world.
I let go of all of my toughness because I never wanted to be a "bitch," but I'm realizing that if I take my street smarts and mix it with what I've learned as a person there is nothing I can't do.
It just boils down to respect. I need to have self respect, then I can have it for others.
This guy posted something filthy on my Facebook wall this morning and I deleted and posted on his wall "be nice."
We ended up having a really nice exchange. He said, “I thought you were ‘blue’ so it was OK.” Which is a defense. There is no excuse, but rather than say that, I just showed up with kindness. I said I promote funny and kindness and if you really look at what I do, I do touch on sexuality but I do it in a classy way. He was projecting his own "blueness" onto me.
He responded, “Thank you so much for talking to me and not calling me a jerk.” I said, "Calling you a jerk would not be promoting kindness."
I remember my therapist saying to me years ago, “Sue, people are happy that you treat them with respect because most people just call them an asshole and walk away.”
The reason I don't do that is because I have compassion. There were many times in the past where I talked poorly about someone — not because I really meant it but because a bunch of people were doing it and I wanted to fit in.
Well when that person found out about it and confronted me, I felt terrible because I didn't even mean it.
I have learned my lesson.
I used my inner street cred to show up with kindness. Who knew that would take more courage than being in a street fight?
I am amazed at how much closer it brings me to people.
I have always loved people but was so ashamed that I was who I was, I became like others to fit in. Which is a gang mentality.
No more. I just remembered when I auditioned to do a half hour comedy special for Comedy Central and their response was, "We don't know what to do with her energy"
I was so hurt at the time, but now I get it: my humor is not mean, I'm very proud of that and if it takes me a little longer to get people to see it — so be it.
I'll start with one email at a time.
The first is a bill collector and the second is a camera person for a reality show. I was thinking about both of those jobs last night. The bill collector because one of my friends called me so shaken because she had just gotten off the phone with one. She had called to try to make a payment arrangement on a card that had already been shut off. The woman was so rough with my friend that she gave her best friends phone number and now she was terrified that they would start to harass the friend. She was in a shame spiral by the time she got to me.
Don't get me wrong: I think people should pay their debt, but I don't think it's that simple. I just look at what happened on Wall Street and think they didn't have personal shame about the fact that they swindled the American people by enticing them with the so called "American Dream" and then lent them money that they knew they would not be able to pay back. No, they were not ashamed — in fact, they demanded that the government bail them out for their mistakes. And the government did, with our money. As I'm typing this, I'm literally laughing out loud. I'm thinking it's no wonder the Europeans think we’re dumb.
The credit card companies essentially did the same thing: gave credit to people they knew would not be able to afford it and then charged tremendous interest on top of it.
Now, the way they think they are going to get their money back is by shaming people and emailing them at work. Ummm they could lose their jobs if you do that, then they will have no moolah to pay you back, stupid.
This goes back to my theory that Bullies are stupid. They actually fuck themselves. A person would be more apt to pay back the money if they were treated with respect and by respect, I mean with words and actions. The credit card companies could take some of the responsibility and negotiate with people, especially people who call to make a payment plan. Imagine waking up every day and your job is to scare and shame people that are probably already scared and filled with shame?
When I hung up from my friend and turned on BRAVO, there was a new show on about a couple with 7 kids. I'm sure a lot of what comes across on the TV has to do with editing, but they have to have the footage in order to edit it. The husband was lying to his wife right in front of the cameras. I thought, Here's a divorce waiting to happen. Then I thought, Who would want to shoot this? Who would want to get that close to a family with small children who have no say in the matter and invade their privacy like that?
Call me crazy but I think the world needs to slow down a bit. We need to stop and think about what we are doing and how it's affecting people. Just ask yourself, Why do I do what I do for a living? I know the answer will oftentimes be, "Money" but I don't buy it. Money doesn't make you happy and if you’re doing a job just for the money, you’re not living to your full potential because if you did something that you loved, something that added to the world, you would probably make even more money. I ask you to ask yourself: Am I doing my job because it’s a way to secretly discharge some of my own aggression? Do I have some repressed resentment about my life that I am not expressing? Do I have debt myself as I'm shaming this other person? What if someone videoed my life? Would I be any better? If you can't find it in your hearts to care about yourselves, the big people, care about those little ones. They don't have a shot. They will just grow up as resentful and un-nurtured as the rest.
Tonight do one thing for someone without telling anyone it will make you feel like a million BUCKS!
I've been thinking a lot about how much of the world today is based in fear and from that fear comes a tremendous amount of useless chatter. People are not so interested in connecting in an authentic way. They are more than happy to use attacks and manipulation to keep the connection at bay. It's as if they want to connect but only so much. They want to connect but control how you see them, which of course never works. Because we end up seeing them even more clearly. It’s like they have a sickness but they are allergic to the antibody that will heal them. I can't control how people see me either, but what I can control is the way I react to it. Lots of people from my past have come my way since I've been back in the press. I have gone truthfully to lots of them, shown up with love and they had nothing. They didn't say anything to me, or about how they felt about the way I express myself. They just asked me if I wanted to fight them. These people don't want to have a real relationship with me.
I am a very logical person, so I ask myself, If these people hate me so much, and I'm soooo crazy, then why would they want to be associated with me? If I'm so terrible, my karma will come back and get me. Actually, if I'm so bad, then that is my Karma. I have to be me, which seems like a penance enough.
It wasn't until recently that my best friend pointed it out to me. She said, "They want a connection with you, Sue" and it's as if I hit the slot machine in Vegas.
It made complete sense to me. I'm mature enough to know that everyone is not going to like me or what I say, and I think that is important; I think it's a sign of success. But I never got that it was because they actually wanted to be around me. Because I'm so logical, I couldn't imagine that they would hurt me when they actually want to be around me. But then I thought about it. What else could it be? Why wouldn't they just leave me alone? If they really cared about what I was saying in my show, they would actually see the show and have an intelligent conversation with me. And, and, and if they really wanted to fight me, I was in Boston for 3 weeks. It was publicized where I would be each day and at what time.
So you see, the only logical conclusion I can come to is just like in the movie The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy finally got to him, after walking that yellow brick road through all the dark spots, after she killed the Wicked Witch through an act of kindness, did she get her courage, brain and heart. She finally realized that she was a person who had it in her the whole time. The Wizard was was just a little man behind a big curtain. That's what fear is: a thousand foot paper curtain.
You want to connect, do it through my heart. If you want to spread your fear (which is not real, only love is real) by looking for a fight just to discharge some of your own ugly feelings, I'm not available.
Seriously, it's really simple, but so hard to do. I just go to the people who love me.
I can't stop others from fighting but I can stop being a vessel for them so maybe they can feel their own feelings and maybe, just maybe, see that fighting is not the only way. It adds to the peace on earth for everybody.