I was thinking about how much I sometimes avoid writing on this blog. My new discipline is to write first thing before I do anything else. I was thinking about how much it's a metaphor for life.
Communication is the biggest problem in all relationships. People don't say enough or they say too much. People hear things through the eardrum of their past experience. Facebook has taught me a lot about this. I can post something and people will comment and not even read what I write. They're impulse is to react. I realize that that is why most people don't like to put themselves out there. It's a scary prospect.
Imagine being vulnerable and having someone crazy attack you? It's the same in intimate relationships. Someone once taught me that people need to hear things 3 times because their past clouds their present. I have come to realize this to be true. Most of the time if I don't react and say what I'm trying to say, in a calm voice, 3 times, people eventually hear me. The courage that it takes to trust that I deserve to be heard is like no other. But the benefits are astounding.
I always thought why bother? Why bother trying to talk if no one will listen. I realize that I was coming from a childish place. I wanted people to read my mind. I didn't want to have to exert myself to get what I wanted.
Well welcome to the more mature suecostello.com! I will expose myself on a daily basis and if for some reason you read it the wrong way, I'll try to elaborate; if for some reason we don't connect, it's OK too. Live and let live!! I love that saying, i just never realized I was only doing the second part. In order to live you have to be seen and you have to be seen over and over because most people are thinking about themselves.
When I get scared I try to control things and of course, because I can't ,that makes me get aggressive. And then I push away any joy or love I was after to begin with. They say a control freak can completely control themselves out of a life. I know for me when I try to control things I feel miserable and I look miserable, but when I let go and surrender into my humanity and open my heart, life happens beautifully. In a much more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. This doesn't mean people do what I want: it means I do what I want, which means to just get the hell out of the way of everything. I exert myself then I let go. I feel it all — good, bad and indifferent. The more I feel, the less fear runs my life. I used to spend my whole life trying to avoid feelings. I'm sure everyone can understand the romantic feelings. I was thinking this morning how much my desperate needy feelings come up during this time. I used to be aggressive to overcompensate and, in turn, pushed people away. Or I would do the opposite: completely avoid those feelings altogether. Now I can sit still, witness them, and know that they are old feelings and have nothing to do with how lovable I really am. Then I can show up lovable and attract that which I used to repel. Plus the more you get hurt the less it hurts :)
If I give you something, I give it to you from my heart. Therefore you should cherish it with your heart. It is better for everyone involved. If you use it for your own gain it may sadden me, but you lose in the long run because what I have to offer is something very special.
I have always been someone who cared about people and wanted them to feel good but when I was younger I gave into my own insecurities. People would shame me because of my love and I wasn't strong enough to stand up to it with grace, so hid it and became what others wanted me to be so they could feel better about themselves. I would go very fast in everything I did, never stopping to look at things and never feeling worthy to care for myself. I wholeheartedly believe that going fast with anything is just a manifestation of self-hatred.
I am amazed lately as my career is taking off again by what happens to people when it comes to fame. There have been 3 instances lately where I genuinely shared a personal moment with them and they took it and immediately thought, How can I use this for myself? How can I get myself attention with this. They don't get it. They block their own love when they act like that. They actually push away the exact thing that they are trying to attract.
When my career took off earlier in life I didn't see any of this because it all happened so fast. Now the process is slower and it's really hard to see this about people, but it's the only way I can protect myself. Early on I would shut down and not give to people anymore, but I'm the one who suffered from that. I used to think if you can't beat ‘em you might as well join ‘em, but then I was trapped by it all.
It makes me feel free to be open. I thought shutting down was protection, but it wasn't. I wasn't seeing people for who they really are. By being honest and genuine and generous with these people they are showing me who they really are. It's like a huge spotlight shining on them and it's coming directly from my heart.
It has taken me 40 years to finally trust what has always been inside of me. I pushed it down because others didn't want me to see it and I pushed it down because I didn't want to see it. If I saw it, then that meant that I could no longer live in a fantasy world. I had to not only see the truth, but now it was up to me to protect myself and keep myself safe. All I'm really talking about is the maturation process — it seems so simple, but so hard to do. To finally realize that no one is coming to save me, that no one — no matter how much they bring into my life — can be the source of my happiness or survival. And now the drama of immaturity, the drama that I once used to pretend that I had a life, the drama that I used to make me feel alive is gone. It's just me and the Big Guy and that's OK with me. We've done a pretty good job so far. I’m excited to see what else is in store for me.
I can't believe that I have neglected this. I apologize. I've been sooo busy but that is not an excuse. I was blown away by the number of people who read this blog. For now, take a look at this gallery of pics that Bill Brett took of me performing my show Minus 32 Million Words at The House of Blues. I'm back on it tomorrow!
So yesterday, I go to try and see this show. I thought it started at 6 so my friend and I show up and there is a guy sitting on the steps. I ask him why he's there and had the show not started yet. He said, "No, not till 7."
So we start talking and he's keeps asking me what my profession is. Finally he asks, "Are you Hollywood? Cause you look Hollywood." He keeps talking and as he's telling me all about his life I'm thinking, Man, this guy is so interesting. Look at his face — you can see his whole life in the wrinkles and his eyes have so much pain in them. I felt like he just wanted someone to listen so I did.
My friend wasn't as interested I was and I could feel her shifting as he kept talking. After a little while I felt like something was weird. I asked, “Wouldn't someone be here to set up by now?"
He said, "Oh yeah" as my friend noticed people walking in another door.
He said, "Thanks for listening to me. You're very calm and I don't get that a lot."
As we walked towards the other door, my friend and I realized that the show had been going on and he had tricked us.
He came walking in behind me and I asked, "Did you trick me?"
He said, “No no but thank you for listening to me — you made my whole day."
We laughed and I knew he had just worked me. But you know what? I didn't care. I said to my friend, "No one ever listens to that guy, otherwise why would he have to lie and manipulate?” I said, “Call me crazy, but that's who I am. I'd rather lend an ear to that guy and give him some comfort even if he is trying to work me."
I win in the end anyway.